Dating thread 154 - in which beards are encouraged.

[Crustaceans]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

@Sunshineandflipflops

If you a miscreant, a place like that is like shooting fish in a barrel. Feels like a cornered market of potentially (no reflection of anyone here) lonely, isolated, vulnerable individuals... who will ultimately likely lead to access to children.

My separated DW got cat-fished for money by a guy who love-bombed her every day with constant messaging. He did this for 4 months solid before money got mentioned. She sent a few grand, in the end. Police not interested.

Thank you vw, so maybe its circumstances and not me. I know he is in a state at the mo sorting finances as the wife is leaving the marital home soon as has met someone else. He owns something in the village that everyone uses so yes,he is busy.
Ok,i was about to give up on him but as I have no other irons and am pretty busy myself,i will just be patient. phew. Thanks :)

@MrDrummer I work in safeguarding so I would be very wary of joining a site like this to be honest, although I guess there are awful people everywhere and we still have to be vigilant.

@MIA12
I'd your still late twenties then you could easily be single for the next 5 years without worrying about time.
So many women don't meet someone serious till late thirties these days.
Anyway those that do want relationships with commitment.
I'd like to know why the rush?
Just why does it have to be rushed.
Insecurity? Worried if you don't see each other few times a week the magic will disappear?
Control jealously? Needy?
Is it not possibly to go slow and steady?
Some people move in so quick. Who wants to live with someone after a few months or even just 1 year?

@kerkyra why did his marriage end? did his wife get fed up with him ignoring her and he is following the same pattern?, a question you might need to know the answer to? Maybe you would only get that from her though as he would have his own justfication for the marriage ending

I have a slightly different view to vwman as I think a guy asking about exclusivity (unless it's on the 1st date) is simply showing that he's keen and if the feeling is reciprocated then where's the issue?
A "high quality man/woman" will presumably be looking for a similar type, and if they find it why wouldn't they also be looking for exclusivity.
It's a bit different if said high quality man is simply shagging around with lower than usual standards, but the red flag is pretty obvious there.
I'm not sure a man asking for exclusivity after what feels like an appropriate time should ever be considered as insecurity and a red flag. More concerning if they avoid the topic imo.

Hello to the newbies and returners. Mary I'm 54 (and holding) and live in London. I used POF and Tinder. I didn't like Tinder because there were too many empty profiles. Actually met Mr BC on Fab.

Regarding drinking/dieting and dates - I really don't drink much so many irons have bitten the dust because going out and getting pissed was their hobby. I divorced an alcoholic, never going there again. It is hard to find a non-alcoholic drink that's decent in a pub - I tended to have first dates in cafes and drank mint tea ...!

I don't find very fussy eaters particularly attractive either. I've never been on a diet but I don't eat excessively which is probably how I maintain my weight. I do like it if men look after themselves, so exercise and eating well, but I really don't want to hear about it.

I've got grown up DC - found it interesting that many men my age had children of about 6 or 7. I completely understand the impact that parenthood has on life, but I'm out of that now, and don't want to go back!

I can read my PMs using MN on my phone? Rarely access MN any other way!

I agree with you @Ant330 as that's how I am. So it confuses me as why a man doing that would be classed as a red flag.

@Ant330 I'm not of the opinion that it should ever be a man's place to demand exclusivity as he is pushing a woman into something she might not be ready for. Men want exclusivity as a result of what they see, the way you look, at that stage they have not committed to you as a person what they are doing is hedging their bets, having you on an exclusive basis until they decide whether they want you.

Kerkyra I would not be happy if someone only got in contact at the weekend. Do you ever suggest meeting up during the week or do you (or he) have kids or other responsibilities which make this difficult?

Am following along with the conversation about exclusivity and men who seem more intense than you are at the beginning. Pretty much described the two month ‘exclusive FWB’ thing I mentioned where I’ve been ghosted/he’s stopped contacting me.

I felt like I needed to put the breaks on at the beginning and then he was the one who disappeared with no warning. Baffling.

Another question for you all, I was describing the one-sided text convo I had last night to a work colleague. She reckons some men do it for the thrill. They like to see that they can string you along with minimal effort. Made me feel a bit sick actually. Are there people who are really that mean??

I just thought he must be really boring. He’s a Brit too (I don’t live in the UK) which somehow made it worse.

Thoughts?

@vwman

I will give you a bit of a clue, any man who considered himself to be a catch will not be worried about committing early on. It is only those who think that every other man is better than them and a better option that will bring up exclusivity. It should be a red flag.

Got to say, I can't agree with much of this statement. Maybe having a guy who considers himself a catch is a red flag in itself, to some?

I have never gone into any dating situation as "I am better" or "worse than" any man. I am on a date... with a woman... if either of us doesn't think we deserve to be here, then wtf are we doing?

@vwman

I'm not of the opinion that it should ever be a man's place to demand exclusivity as he is pushing a woman into something she might not be ready for. Men want exclusivity as a result of what they see, the way you look, at that stage they have not committed to you as a person what they are doing is hedging their bets, having you on an exclusive basis until they decide whether they want you.

Let me make this crystal clear: You do not speak for me, here.

@MrDrummer but you are not the sort of man who is treating women on here badly are you?

@vwman

No, but I have been exclusive early on in my dating/FWB/LTRs. It's never been "demanded", either. It has been mutually agreed. Last LTR is was agreed I think on date 2 or 3 and before we DTD. I have never multi-dated apart from when I had two dates back to back, and I made a choice of which to pursue after the second of those two.

You came across as speaking for all man. There are a million reasons why a bloke might want to be exclusive. No doubt you speak of one of them, but not all.

I did suggest meeting last Wednesday eve for an activity but he txt back saying had his ds,then I txt yesterday morning and he said he was sorry but was out all day doing activities with ds(sport related) He seems to be consumed with work in the week and then goes to the pub at the weekend,this is where we met two weeks ago,then we met the following eve and the weekend just gone he came to mine for the eve. I know the wife quite well and know she has been having an affair for years,though I didn't know the husband at all(just seen him about).

But doesn't seem to to want to jump in to my knickers? we've only kissed,so maybe it's the company he wants.

I don't think he has had a relationship with his wife for about ten years which is why I am making excuses,does he even know that if you like a woman you need to txt abit! I don't think he knows how to date? Or am I just being stupid here?!

@kerkyra

I think he has too much on his plate to be honest, plus the "getting into knickers" part there could be a few reasons for that. He might feel he may suffer from Jesuis' MrCornish's problem. DTD then knowing I have to face the wife later on (even if it was over) would definitely put me off my game, I am sure.

I have to say that I asked Mr Baker to be exclusive on date 3. Not because I knew we were going to be long term and I don't think he did either. The first 6 months (at least) of any relationship is getting to know one another. Exclusive isn't the same as love. Literally means not multi-dating shagging 🤷.

@kerkyra yes it is possible that his wife has ripped his soul out and his work during the week and drink at the weekend is his distraction, its not your job to cure anyone

I'm with you on that @ItsAMiracle2015

Ok,thanks Drums. I've been meeting all these good looking twats and stumbled on village man,who, although hasn't fallen from the ugly tree,isn't that hot or my usual type(but has something I really like).....and I still am having problems!

Need to have a think what I need and want and put me first

kerkyra just to give you some perspective in case the man is like me.

I split up with my husband a few months ago and crammed my life full of stuff to distract me. Then I started old and joined this thread and I have to say without this thread I would have no idea how to date. I still don't really and am baffled at the moment by a man who yesterday bombarded me with texts including pictures of his lunch.

So it's possible without this thread I would be just like that man!

True vw
.Thanks.

Usually I am very impulsive and impatient,but i'm going to follow my gut on this one and wait.
Will let you all know when(if)he txts. Thanks stealth, I really believe he just needs to breath and get his life together and it could be a slow burner. He says he's terrified of pof and hasn't met anyone.

Thanks all x