Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 154 - in which beards are encouraged.

999 replies

Crustaceans · 09/04/2019 19:13

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

OP posts:
MIA12 · 15/04/2019 11:25

Sorry to hear you’ve had the same experience Lily my guy also didn’t want me dating other people after just our first date. I don’t think they can handle the thought of it. I read somewhere that women multi date to avoid over investing and getting hurt, whereas men do it to see what’s still out there.

I hate the kid in a candy shop mentality on online dating. In RL it’s not so easy to meet people so you give things a proper go. Online it’s too easy to think the next opportunity is just a swipe away.

I’ve also come across his profile so he didn’t delete it while we were together. I’m not massively bothered as I really don’t think he was using it, but shows the mentality they have of always being ready to look elsewhere. They don’t want to put all their eggs in one basket but are very keen for us to do so.

I hope your current iron sorts out what he’s looking for and doesn’t mess you around. Really not on to be leading you down one path if he’s still interested in playing the field. You’ve done the right thing laying your cards on the table and asking him now.

MIA12 · 15/04/2019 11:27

Cross posted with you Lily glad he doesn’t seem to be messing you around and I don’t blame you for being on your guard this time.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2019 11:33

MrSAS said to me when I last saw him that he "doesn't care what I do in my own time, I just care what you do when you're with me", which is what led me to wanting to check out if we are exclusive or not. I'm still not exactly sure other than he's only sleeping with me...which isn't really the same thing!

Lovemusic33 · 15/04/2019 11:43

Dating is giving me a head ache, I wish there was a easier way of meeting people. Mr No hair started sexting me last night, I wasn’t impressed so just ignored his messages, I think it’s a bit off to sext someone after a first date? He’s now messaging asking if he can pop in for a coffee because he’s working near by, I have said ‘no’ because my kids are on Easter holiday, I think he’s now a bit pissed off.

Mr Young (FWB) messaged me this morning inviting me over for fun, I was very tempted, I might cave in by the end of the week and go and see him.

It’s just so hard to find what I’m looking for when I have my dc’s 6 days a week, I don’t want to introduce them to anyone unless I’m sure it’s going to be long term. I don’t want anything really serious, I don’t want anyone staying over all the time (if at all), I want someone local who I can eat out with during the week and someone I can spend my child free day with but it’s hard to find anyone that wants the same sort of set up. I don’t really want a FWB, I want a relationship but nothing too full on.

lifegoes · 15/04/2019 11:50

Tinder does only update when you open the app. You have to manually change it in settings if you want it to update all the time.

But he could also be checking on you @LilyRose88 and he could be getting notifications and not replying. The guy I was meant to be meeting Mr Stalker was on and it would change from and to work. But then he would ask me where and who I was talking to. So I assumed he checked up on me.

LilyRose88 · 15/04/2019 11:57

Sunshine I think in your circumstances I would assume that Mr SAS was sleeping with others.

Lovemusic I was a single mum for years and there was no online dating in those days. Like you I struggled to find someone to spend time with and sadly ended up with a few guys who weren't very nice, as I just accepted what they offered me rather than being more discerning.

MIA12 I think Mr Outdoors is a genuinely nice guy but I have had some bad experiences with guys - even ones who start out seeming to be nice - so I do have my guard up. I have decided to trust him and see where the relationship goes. I will look again at Tinder and see if it can auto update the location without being opened. And if I am in any doubt I guess I will just have to ask Mr Outdoors what the heck he is doing Sad.

vwman · 15/04/2019 12:16

I will give you a bit of a clue, any man who considered himself to be a catch will not be worried about committing early on. It is only those who think that every other man is better than them and a better option that will bring up exclusivity. It should be a red flag.

lifegoes · 15/04/2019 12:18

@vwman so if a guy brings up being exclusive early on is a red flag?

If that's the case, what does that say about us women who want the exclusivity as it helps with trust?

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2019 12:20

@LilyRose88 He says not and also says that he has only slept with 2 people since his divorce last year (me being one). He has also sent me his recent sexual health test results so who knows. I know that I have slept with more people than that since I separated my my ex husband at the same time though!

LilyRose88 · 15/04/2019 12:27

vwman I wonder if that is true for all men. Looking back my ex got me to agree to be exclusive after date 2 and well before we dtd and as I said earlier, I suspect he wanted to go exclusive while he decided whether he wanted a LTR with me. He did love bomb me although at the time I didn't realise that is what he was doing, so there were quite a few red flags.

Mr Outdoors didn't ask me to go exclusive, and only told me that he wasn't looking elsewhere when I explicitly asked him this morning.

Like lifegoes I wonder what it says about a woman if she wants to go exclusive. Personally I would want to be exclusive if I am having sex with someone, but that is because I am not looking for a FWB situation.

MrDrummer · 15/04/2019 12:29

@Sunshineandflipflops

www.datingafterkids.com

I spent 12 years of my career in public protection, guarding against the very worst of society. Any kind of site designed for IRL contact that is specifically aimed at people with children makes my stomach turn.

I personally wouldn't go anywhere near this with a barge pole.

LilyRose88 · 15/04/2019 12:30

Sunshine yes I remember now that you mentioned that you had seen his sexual health checks. I know that I have become cynical since doing OLD (and probably should have been cynical when I was younger and dating the old fashioned way!) but I would only assume exclusivity if someone explicitly said that they were not looking elsewhere. And even then I might reserve my judgement until a bit further down the line.

vwman · 15/04/2019 12:30

lifegoes a high quality man will have his choice of women as will a high quality woman have her choice of men, remember rule 3 and 7. Its just an observation that sometimes people are so desperate to be in a relationship they will grab hold of the first person they think might fit the bill, down the line they realise they are not and it just leads to more hurt and pain.

Matchedandmuddled · 15/04/2019 12:33

Just back from coffee - all good but no butterflies, maybe need another date with him? He has beautiful manners and his house is stunning .... long story how I ended up there but nothing apart from a handshake happened!

On another note been trying to login to plum dating ... @MyOldBrainStoppedWorking and have got to the part to add my mobile and I have tried every variety but says it is invalid....will persist but also trying to watch GoT!!!

lifegoes · 15/04/2019 12:35

@vwman I do get that point entirely.

But like @LilyRose88 I don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others.

for me it's not about a relationship as such being committed. It's about being exclusive (which yes can be the same thing) but for me, if I'm sleeping with a guy I won't be sleeping with others.

Lovemusic33 · 15/04/2019 12:44

I think it works the same for men and women, if someone wants to be exclusive early in then it’s probably because they are worried about the other person finding someone better. For me if I’m sleeping with someone I want to be exclusive, I don’t like the thought of him fucking other people. I’m not sure if it’s a red flag, more a sign of insecurity which most of us have when dating someone that we barely know.

vwman · 15/04/2019 12:45

@lifegoes ultimately it comes down to what is the man's motivation in going on a date with you, for a relationship or just for sex. What would happen if you said to them that you do not dtd until after the 6th date whether that were true or not? I can tell you the guys who just want sex will not be interested in a 2nd date, its an easy way to pull up the weeds as the liklihood is he will not be sleeping with anyone else either

LilyRose88 · 15/04/2019 12:52

vwman I do always tell guys that I am not looking for anything casual before I meet them. That does weed out those who are upfront about wanting FWB or ONS.

On the first date with someone I still make it clear that I won't dtd for a while, as I have found that some guys chance their luck, almost as though they like a challenge. I don't have a particular date limit, but it certainly won't be the first or second date. With Mr Outdoors it was the 4th date, but he said that he was happy for us not to dtd if I didn't feel ready to.

vwman · 15/04/2019 12:56

To coin a phrase from carpentry "measure twice, saw once"

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2019 13:01

@MrDrummer those were my thoughts too to be honest. I know lots of people on OLD do have kids but not sure I’d want that to be the focus or only common ground when meeting people.

lifegoes · 15/04/2019 13:03

I do love your insight @vwman

I do make it clear I'm not looking for a FWB I have on some occasions slept with a guy early on but it has never impacted the continued relationship.

I think it's hard with OLD and starting out as I don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others. If I get that vibe I will just walk away no questions asked. But yet OLD throws up that it's hard to judge. I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket but yet I wouldn't keep looking for others if I'm meeting a guy.

Happy0952 · 15/04/2019 13:04

delurks Hello everyone. Long term lurker who just signed up to fab. Thank you to those who recommended it. Went through two irons and then met MrKind. Our first meet is on Thursday.

LilyRose88 · 15/04/2019 13:04

MrDrummer my kids are grown up but like you, I have serious reservations about a dating site purely for people with children.

kerkyra · 15/04/2019 13:08

vwman if a guy is really into a woman,will he make it clear?
Village man seems to just remember me at the weekends and I hardly hear from him in the week.

So frustrating when he is half a mile away.

vwman · 15/04/2019 13:21

@kerkyra what does he do for a living? perhaps he is obsessed about his work, the issue perhaps might be that he gets his kicks from finishing that project, getting that promotion, when he finishes that there will always be another work goal. If that is the case you need to decide whether you would be happy about being second to his purpose and passion in the long term