I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

Who cares what they think though?! And do people really think like this? Maybe I’m just a munter with an ugly husband and ugly friends, but I can’t think of a single time a friend or family member has introduced me to a new partner and I’ve thought very much at all about their looks. If you’re happy and he’s happy that’s surely the most important thing?

You are sabotaging this relationship.

He didnt say anything wrong.

You seem to fishing for him for compliments and he hasnt responded.

If he had said 'what, they will all think you are gorgeous, slim etc' you would be complaining that he was lying.

I mean this kindly, but this is all about you and how you feel about yourself

But he is right. It doesn't matter what they think. And they might initially judge you for your appearance but if your relationship is a decent one, they'll be horrible friends if the continue to do so.
Thing is, everyone has a past - will you judge yourself by all the exes??!!
It sounds like you are very insecure about your looks...looks fade what's inside does not.

The clue is staring you right in the face - ex wife and ex girlfriend. Can’t have been so perfect else they wouldn’t be exes

Relax, be confident and be who you are

Hi,
I’m sure others will come along and say what I’m about to but more eloquently.
I really feel for you, it’s horrible to be in the place you’re in, but I think a shift in perspective might help.
If you’re currently feeling as though splitting up with someone you really like over this is your only option, then you have absolutely nothing to lose by having a chat with him about it. If he’s as lovely as you say he is, he’ll reassure you and look out for you when you go to meet his friends. Also, has it occurred to you that theses exes are just that. Exes. Maybe he’s got to a place in his life where he”s realised that going for conventionally pretty partners and basing a relationship on that isn’t working for him. I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re physically unattractive, maybe he’s now looking to make a good, satisfying relationship with someone he fancies mind, body and soul. Wouldn’t that be ace? Can you consider giving him the respect to have a chance to show you that he’s not a shallow arse (I can’t imagine he is from what you’ve said). You don’t know, his friends might be lovely and totally relieved that he’s got together with someone who’s fabulous and has more about her than just surface beauty - good luck lovely xxxx

I wasn't fishing for compliments. I hate being complimented. I was trying to let him know that I am worried about it.

I wouldn't have expected him to say I was gorgeous and slim because that would have been a lie.

I think we've been getting on so well I just hadn't really thought about it much until now. Knowing something is the case and then having it 'proved' are slightly different.

Just angry with myself for not being enough. And angry with myself for allowing myself to forget it for a while.

He wouldn't be inviting you to spend time getting to know his good friends if he was didn't think you were beautiful and want to be in this relationship with you.

I think you need to start believing in yourself a bit more, especially because he has tried his best to reassure you!

He likes you for you remember!

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

You're not stupid or any of the other horrible things you call yourself. But you have got into a rut of self loathing.

Re-read your OP and consider how you'd react if this all came from a friend or relative. You'd be horrified. You'd feel a powerful impulse to reassure her.

Forget about this new man. It's yourself you need to be caring for. Can you organise therapy? Because your self worth is round your ankles and it's fucking up your MH.

New man finds you beautiful. He desires you. He's not an idiot, I assume? Why not consider that he's right about you and you're wrong?

@OP why are you so down on yourself! It doesn’t matter what your DP’s ex’s looked like. He loves you for you and by taking you out to meet his friends and family he clearly not ashamed in any way about you! You need to believe you are deserving of a decent man and a decent relationship (because you are!!). His ex’s are ex’s for a reason! You are naturally pretty without the need for enhancements! Also who cares if you are a few pounds heavier that you would ideally like! Your DP doesn’t! Beauty is more than skin deep as the saying goes and looks fade! If you are a lovely person that matters much more IMO!

You’re being really weird.

Sorry! I know that sounds harsh. But...you are.

All this talk of not being cut out for relationships and being second best. That’s a whole lot of mountain out of one tiny molehill.

And you’re being unfair to him as well as yourself. You’re assigning motivation to him that he hasn’t displayed.

He thinks I’m not good enough. He knows his friends will hate me. He’s just settling with me.

The poor fucker said a NICE thing to you. True, too because his friends aren’t in a relationship with you!

You’re also pre-judging people whom you’ve never met and who are likely to be very lovely. But you’ve condemned them to being horrible without even giving them a chance. And then you’ll start to see things that aren’t really there; thinking they meant one thing when they said another, thinking they’re “looking at you funny” etc.

I mean of course you don’t have to end it! That is just so ridiculous!

If his ex's were so amazing and perfect, he would still be with them. But he's not, he wants to be with you. Please stop sabotaging your own life.

Whatever his reply, I think you would have found fault with it regardless. His reply to you sounds lovely and caring. It certainly doesn't mean that he doesn't find you as attractive or less worthy than his ex-partners. You're reading too much into it.

Oh OP, don’t finish this relationship just because what is basically a bit of paranoia and low self-esteem!

Maybe you AREN’T as classically gorgeous as his exes but you have to remind yourself that they are his exes for a reason! Maybe he realised that looking classically beautiful (and by that I mean someone that EVERYONE would consider to be good looking) isn’t the be all and end all. Maybe he has realised that it’s the attractiveness that matters to him and he’s obviously attracted to you or he wouldn’t be with you!

Also I see plenty of women round here who have that very high maintenance Kim Kardashian look day and night. Some men may not see beyond that and just think “wow!” But what’s underneath all the slap and hair extensions and fake tan and veneers? Could be someone who’s a bitch or who is self-obsessed or who simply just spends hours getting ready and then checking makeup constantly when out on a date and needing reassurance they still look good.

Whereas someone who isn’t in to all that glamorous look may have a certain something that men find attractive. A confidence, twinkle in the eye, way of carrying themselves, a laid back way about them, they’re funny or interesting to talk to. Or enjoy a good meal instead of picking over salad etc Or maybe their hair is naturally lovely or they are curvy and soft looking rather than a bit scrawny.

Real beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Listen, OP, if you have a man telling you you’re beautiful (and he means it, it’s not just to get into your knickers!) then don’t be analysing what his text meant. Just take it for the compliment that it is. Men generally don’t have all these double meanings in texts I don’t think. So no need for you to read anything else into it other than the compliment that it was meant as!

Maybe he’s got to a place in his life where he”s realised that going for conventionally pretty partners and basing a relationship on that isn’t working for him.

But I've had this before. One just went off sex really quickly because he just didn't find me attractive enough and the other one went cold on me when I turned 40 because I was then 'too old'. The one who went off sex quickly later said that what attracted him to me was the fact that he thought I was less likely to cheat on him than someone beautiful (because I wouldn't have the opportunity).

Both of them said they were at stages in their lives when they were looking for something 'real'. I dumped both of them.

I don't want that again. I want passion and love and to be adored. I don't want to be who someone settles for. If I can't have that, I'd rather be on my own.

If I look in the mirror with no expression I am plain. My nose is to big, my eyes are a different size, so look wonky, I have a wobbly chin and my teeth are crooked. And my arms and stomach are too big.
But I’ve also seen myself in a mirror when I’m talking, animated, happy and I’m bloody gorgeous. My smile is infectious and my eyes shine. And that’s the real me.

He’s sees the real you and that is what he wants. Do not let your self doubt get in the way of this. Deep breath and take the plunge!

Just as much as you wouldn't like to be judged by your choice of ex-partner, please don't do the same to him.

My friend had a few ex wives/gfs who were slim, fake tanned, blondes who wore loads of make up but he's head over heels and very happy with a 'plump' dark haired lovely woman who doesn't wear any makeup. He wouldn't compare her to his ex partners and neither should you or his friends. Insecurity is a terrible thing please don't let it destroy what you have with this man you like.

wasnt fishing for compliments. I hate being complimented

Why do you hate compliments?
Sorry but you're being Hard work! How will he ever win if you have this attitude?
Personally I couldn't date someone so difficult.

OP, it almost sounds like you WANT him to have said something hurtful (which he didn't, by the way) so you can use it as an excuse to end things with him. Why, for God's sake? I think you've managed to convince yourself that he's going to dump you and you're planning a pre-emptive strike.

Can I ask about your previous relationships - have you had exes who ran you down, told you that you weren't good enough, that you'd better not leave them because nobody else would ever want you etc?

The urge to self-sabotage can be very strong but you have to be rational about this and base your actions on the things he has really said and done, not the weird malicious shadow-version of him that only exists in your head.

“Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful". “

He hasn’t ‘proved ‘ it by saying this.

He has just stated a fact as he sees it, rather than addressing your agenda and going into ‘they will love you’ . His point is not ‘they might not think you are as slim as my exes but that doesn’t matter’, his point is ‘whether they think you are drop dead gorgeous or look like a screwed up dishcloth are both equally irrelevant because it’s what I think that counts”

Why are you being so shallow as to assume that he and all his friends only care about looks?

Sort your self esteem out. You are sabotaging your own happiness and neurotic insecurity is exhausting for a partner.

OP, you should be focusing on whether you like his friends. Your opinion is the important one here. Stop behaving like a terrified intern about to appear before a severe employer for a job interview for which you are under-qualified!

Personally I couldn't date someone so difficult.

Well that's why I need to end it.

I just don't expect to be complimented. Physical compliments are not something I'd ever seek out.

Then you’ll be ending the relationship purely because of your own poor self-esteem and insecurity.

I've always felt unattractive and still believe myself to be a "type" as I'm pale with freckles and very dark hair. I'm 32 and finally at peace with my looks.

Two of my DP's exes are models, both getting great work and conventionally attractive. And FWIW, really nice! It just didn't work out with either.

He wants me, he loves me, we both think the other is fit as fuck, we respect each other and we are planning a future together.

All of that is a combination of yes maybe looks / being someone's type visually, but sexual chemistry, having a laugh, being proud of each other, being truthful and respectful etc.

A few years ago I would have sabotaged this relationship solely because he's dated really good looking girls before and I'd assume I couldn't match up, so would ruin it to prove myself "right" - utterly illogical!I can't believe all the happiness I would have missed out on if I had done that!

And on the other end of the example spectrum, someone pointed out to me that my narcissist exes wouldn't have wanted me on their arm to show me off if they hadn't thought I lived up to their standards. Despite saying shit things behind closed doors.

Anyway, if you're happy with him and he's a gooden then please Don't do it to yourself - enjoy being with him

Oh OP - he isn't 'settling' for you at all!! Just because you think these other women are more attractive than you that doesn't mean he thinks so or that his friends will think so! And even if that was the case it really ISN'T about looks, it's about the person you are 100 per cent. Please don't let your self-esteem issues ruin what could potentially be 'the relationship'! And don't tar your new boyfriend with the same brush as your ex boyfriends. I think you need to have a frank conversation with him and if he is as nice as you say then he will put your mind at ease. xx

Why are you being so shallow as to assume that he and all his friends only care about looks?

His female friends and partners of his male friends are all of a similar ilk. The women are all attractive and glamorous so I can only assume that is important to them.