I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

You can't base your self worth on other people. It doesn't work.

No, I know you're right. I'm just confused now. And sad.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that you sound like you suffer with some poor self esteem and possible anxiety.

Hope you are okay. You should be kinder to yourself.
X

I had a mother like you, OP. I’ve been NC with her for a few years now and am still having counselling. You are still seeing yourself through your mother’s eyes; you don’t believe that you’re worthy of happiness and being loved so you are doing everything you can to sabotage this relationship with someone who seems perfectly lovely.

I get it. But it’s time to ask yourself if you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to hear that critical voice in your head every day? If so, keep on going as you are; you WILL be single if you end this and you’ll have a sense of satisfaction in saying “I told you so”.

We only get one life and you’ve come to a crossroads. Are you going to waste your life by being alone and letting your mother and exes win?

Or are you going to take responsibility and decide that those bastards don’t get to be right? Explain to this man why you’re so insecure and ask him to be patient with you? Go to the GP and get help for your anxiety, counselling to work through your mother’s cruelty and start your life from now?

Only you can make that choice.

You seem to mention tall, thin, women with a certain type of face etc as being the only desirable woman and everyone else is second best. Look around you, look at all the really happy, loved up couples who aren't that.

Op I'm surprised you've had counselling because the main thing you should have gained from that is that the fact you think these things doesn't make them fact. I think you need more help with your self esteem because you'll sabotage any chance of happiness until you start to see yourself as someone who's worthy of love.

What a lot of people here won't be able to understand is that the voice you hear as a child becomes your inner voice as an adult but you need to become aware of it and challenge it. You are someone who's worthwhile.

This book is very good, btw: www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=asap_bc?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

Campfiresandbeer

This is my story... I was engaged to a man who was 6ft 5 and absolutely beautiful. Total shit though. Cheated on me regularly. Ditched me. My next boyfriend was also 6ft something, dark handsome etc.

Then I met my husband. He is plump, he is bald, he has eczema regularly.

But fuck me he is so kind and the love of my life. I find him to be the most attractive man because of who HE is. Not because of aesthetics! And I fancy him because he’s passionate and full of positivity and well he’s just bloody brilliant.

It’s not about all that. Honestly. And if people or even his friends judge you on that. Well. Says more about them hey?

They’ll probably be thinking.. oh thank god she’s so lovely, so interesting and will look after our friend...

Be confident Op! It’s so easy to get caught up in how things look in this insta age be confident in his love for you! Just you!

I think you need some help as you are leaping to massive conclusions here and will risk your relationship if you carry on. Have you tried CBT? You can get self help books on it which teach you to stop the train of negative thoughts.

I do know why you sabotage like you do, I have a mother who constantly told me how stupid I was, how ugly I was, how unlikeable I was, how much of a slag I was. I have met a man who I think is out of my league but he loves me. He loves how I look, he loves how I am, he loves me for me. My mum has taken so much of my life (I am 55), I refuse to let her take my future any more.

He loves you for you. In time looks fade, but love based on the person as a whole only strengthens. Try to let him in OP.

If you feel overwhelmed by your words and thoughts flip it around.

And think about it properly for a few minutes, not in a rush or being a bit pissed off as I know some of us seem to be Challenging you but I promise we are trying to help!

I'd love you to really ask yourself WHAT could HE have said in this situation, or any other, to genuinely make you believe you are beautiful in eyes AND the other lovely things he mentioned - make him feel safe (gorgeous thing to say IMO) etc.

Once you realise the poor guy is in a position where simply any answer is wrong (not only has he been honest - because he clearly really does think it - he's even called you beautiful!). You're putting him in an impossible situation when you could be enjoying each other.

If you're unready / unwilling to take responsibility on this it's over already I think. Such a shame.

OP, I hear the frustration coming from some many posters because you refuse to accept they are right; that these are your issues and you are sobotaging a relationship because you are so concerned about yourself not being good enough.

I am going to go against the grain here and say give this man up. He sounds like a really good guy and what are you bringing to this relationship other than self-involvement and lots of prejudgment?

Your history sounds horrible so I can truly understand why you have these feelings and for that I do feel sorry. However, you said you have had counselling but I don’t think you’re in a position to be in a relationship yet. Maybe you need more therapy? Until you are in a position to value yourself and think you are worthy (and trust me you are) there isn’t any point in you trying to start a relationship. Whoever this man’s exes are, whoever his friends are, you are going to find reasons to sabotage the relationship as you don’t feel good enough.

If this all sounds harsh, I am really sorry but I am talking from having been in a very similar place and I recognise everything you say. Focus on yourself, learn that you are good enough and when you are ready, have a relationship. This one seems doomed with your self-sabotaging.

The problem is yours OP. You lack in confidence in yourself and the poster that said you are sabotaging your relationship is correct. He obviously is really into you. He said you are beautiful. Please don't end it for a silly comment.
Come on to S&B and we can help you with an outfit that is a stepping stone to help you feel better about yourself

Forget about this new man. It's yourself you need to be caring for. Can you organise therapy? Because your self worth is round your ankles and it's fucking up your MH

This. Go for therapy.

The style and beauty threads are great with some ideas about style etc.

If you don't change the way you view yourself it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You will see to that.

@bloodywhitecat I think we share a mother

I wondered right back in the beginning of this thread who had forced this idea that you aren't good enough on you. Doesn't surprise me that you've revealed that it's your Mum
It's shit when the person who is supposed to love you the most constantly belittles you and makes you feel the way you do.
She's done a real number on you. She's really fucked your head up.
In one update you said you just wanted some one to make you feel loved and cared for. He's told you that you're beautiful and in your last update that you make him laugh, you're funny and he feels safe with you.

There is a saying I've seen on here. When someone shows you who they are believe them. He's trying to show you so give him a chance.

He obviously likes you whatever you're like, his exes are exes for a reason. He's choosing to spend his time with you.

Don't talk yourself out of what sounds like a good relationship.

Doesn't matter what his friends think either, if they're judging you on looks their opinions are worthless.

Be who you are, doesn't matter what you weigh, whether you wear make up, if you spend time styling your hair, or what you wear. What does matter if how you treat other people.

Good luck and just enjoy every moment :)

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I was in my forties when I realised that what I had looked for in man for most of my adult life including physical attributes was really not anywhere close to what I really wanted. What I really wanted was someone who was a really good kind person, genuine, caring, right through them, who made me feel really happy. Definitely not the list of specific physical attributes which I am really embarrassed to admit I had there in the back of my mind affecting how I saw men....

What I am saying, not very eloquently, is - if he is a good guy and emotionally mature he will know what he is looking for, and if he digs you, he digs you. How pretty you are is not really important, and he will see you as beautiful even if objectively you are not (and you may be - we don't know - it doesn't matter - it isn't the point).

If you have found a guy like that, hold on tight, because not all guys are like that! Read what Yann Moix had to say about women over 50 for example! (Not that women should care).

Rather than be insecure about yourself, focus on him, making sure he is the man for you, and that he is genuine. If he is all that, embrace the fact that he likes you for what you are. If he has dodgy reasons for liking you (such as because you won't cheat...) then you can bin.

And do some work on your self esteem so that you don't trip yourself up. Been there!

Somebody I know fairly recently got divorced because after years of being unhappy the spouse finally had enough and took up with a partner from the dim and distant past who made them happy. The abandoned partner was furious and disbelieving because, objectively, the new partner was less conventionally attractive than them BUT the new partner was still attractive and their ex-spouse is now very, very happy with this person they love, respect, get on with, have fun with, share similar political views etc etc. It's not all about looks so forget that. Your partner sounds good to me, don't sabotage it.

my word I feel for you OP. I went through a stage of my life thinking I wasn't worth anything. Probably coming from a broken home and a absent father. I met my current DP 20 yrs ago and didn't quite understand why he was with me. He was an attractive bright doctor and why would he want to be with me.....it took me a long time to understand that he simply loved me for me. I was anxious meeting his friends thinking they would think I was not good enough....but this was my own anxieties not theirs...we have been together since and all his friends are my friends. I have no more confidence issues and realise its not a competition....we are who we are whether we are gorgeous, plain, tall, small sexy etc who cares......anyone who judges based on looks isnt worth my energy and anyway my view is we are all gorgeous

Your mother sounds like my Nana - I cottoned on quite quickly so I'd just let her comments go over my head but my mother took every nasty comment as gospel because she was so desperate for my Nana's approval/love. Do seek someone to talk to about your upbringing with, your mother was terribly cruel.

Thanks, never but I don't really need that. Well, I do but I'm not sure it's something the S&B boards could help with.

Xenadog I think you're right. I've spent 4 years working on myself and having counseling and on removing negative people from my life etc. I thought I could do this.

I haven't seen my mother for 7 years and I only really started to realise/understand that she might have been wrong about 4 years ago. But by then, I had 40 years worth of stuff to unpick.

This really isn't about judging him or his friends. It's about the facts. The facts are that I am less attractive and fatter than his exes. That's just a fact.

That is the problem. And that's what I'm 'angry' about.

Not that they will all be able to see it. That's it's there to be seen in the first place. I'm cross with myself.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Please try to see yourself through your DP eyes. You make him laugh, that is a very attractive quality to have. He said he feels safe and happy. What more could you want?

Maybe his ex's were vain/vapid stupid airheads who only cared about hair and makeup types, which gets old very quickly. Also the majority of Men prefer a woman to have actual curves, and not have bones sticking out.

Looks is the initial attraction, after that it is personality that sticks. Imagine spending your life with someone you found utterly boring, who you couldn't have a laugh with. He clearly finds you attractive otherwise you wouldn't be dating now.

Please get some more therapy, your "mother" sounds awful, who would do that to their child.