I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

Thank you for all the replies. I am reading them all.

He thinks you're beautiful. That's all that matters. His friends opinions don't matter as they aren't the ones dating you

OP, my DH's ex is prettier than me. Should I be angry at myself too? Can you explain why?

I'm wondering what the fatal error is for a woman to end up with a man who happens to have a better looking ex.

So what if you’re fatter than his ex’s?

I can guarantee you I am far fatter than you. Do you think I don’t deserve to be in a relationship with a lovely man?

It's not about looks really, the most attractive people are secure in themselves, they are passionate about what they are interested in. funny, kind. I'm not saying I don't see an attractive man and think oh he's nice but proper attraction is more than that. You become attractive when you are good enough for yourself. I know it sounds cheesy but the older I get I really think this is true.

Your DP sounds heavenly. You really don't understand what a lovely man you've got do you?
I married (and divorced) a skinny man, when actually what I really wanted was a completely different body shape! As we grow, we realise we make mistakes. FFS Go, enjoy being with this lovely man and his friends. he wants to show you off!

I'm sorry that you feel so bad about yourself. I spent my life feeling like you. I was married to a man who flirted with anything female that moved, and who made it clear that physically I wasn't really his type. I'd look at slim girls and feel sick. He left me for someone slim. They had a very unhappy marriage, and is now in his third marriage, a marriage that doesn't seem to be made in heaven either. I married again in 2005 to a man who has shown me that he loves my curves. The fat arse that I spent years trying to disguise is an absolute delight to him, and I no longer worry about it. I don't wear make up, I comb my hair in the morning then forget about it. I'm happy. In conversations with many friends, I've come to realise that what women think is beautiful is not necessarily what men like. My husband's ex is slim, always immaculate, not a hair out of place. I'm not intimidated by her at all. The point is that he chooses me, he loves me, scruffiness and all. Your boyfriend chooses you. He thinks you're beautiful. Don't throw a good man away because of your own unfounded insecurities.

It's just confusing because it doesnt' make any sense but I can't help how it makes me feel.

Ok let's say you are fatter and less attractive than his exes.

1. What if they don't care or
2. And? Will the sky fall down? Everyone is less attractive than someone. Who cares if you're not model material?
3. Would you rather be a kind partner who makes their partner feel safe/make them laugh or be the sexiest partner ever?

That's even working on the assumption you aren't attractive - but like so many things beauty is subjective. I've been called sexy/cute/beautiful etc. I'm a short, fat person who has quite nice hair. That's it.

You're still focusing on the image. Images often lie. What you need to focus on is whether he makes you feel happy. Does he? If he does, that shit doesn't matter.

Would you tell me that it makes no sense that my dh is with me because his exes are better looking than I am? Would you tell me that I don't deserve him?

Also the rule is if I wouldn't judge someone else for it, I should not judge myself for it either.

I think if your mums the one that made you feel like this, and you’ve felt like it all your life, then it’s probably going to be pretty hard to change.

The guy I’m seeing at the moment is not a looker, not nearly so ‘hot’ as my ex. But who cares, really? I don’t, my mates don’t... are you saying he should, are you saying that he should feel ‘not good enough’ because he isn’t so good looking as some random I used to date?

OP, you are acting bonkers. I think you must know that deep down. You will sabotage every relationship you have if you don't work on your self belief.

What he stated is also fact - it doesn't matter what they think - whether they think you're gorgeous, pretty, plain, normal, funny looking, it also doesn't matter if they think you're amazing, boring or the funniest person on the planet. What matters is you and your boyfriend think about yourselves! He obviously loves you!

Haven't you seen these celebrity crush threads on here? People can't even agree on how to rank beautiful celebrities, let alone normal people! Who cares if Jeff from Swansea thinks that Jennifer Aniston is more gorgeous than J Lo? But Pete from London thinks J Lo is the creme de la creme and everyone else is subpar?

I guarantee you no one will care about the exes, especially not your boyfriend (seeing as they're not together anymore...).

1. you're not going out with them you're going with your bf so who cares if someone thinks you're sexy or not
2. I'd care more about getting on with them as friends
3. the friends are going to be more concerned about you and bf being happy than who is better looking than whoever else

Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful

This is a lovely reply which tells you everything you need to know OP. He wants to be with you because he wants to be with you. He finds you attractive. And he is absolutely right - you should not give a damn about anyone else's opinion. it's only taken me 48 years but I no longer give a fuck what others think. Try it, it's liberating.

I started going out with my dh when he had just split up with his girlfriend of over 5 years. They kept telling me how stunning she was but they didn't like her and how she treated dh. I'm happy to be not stunning and a nice person. We have been married 18 years. You sound like a nice person. That's what counts. X

But op, you do realise that adult love isn't about picking the most conventionally attractive person you can possibly find? Even if you were a 23 year old supermodel, you understand that there would be women out there who are more attractive than you? God you only need to look at the Relationships topic to understand that men cheat on and leave women for less conventionally attractive and bigger women often. Human attraction doesn't work the way you seem to think it does

This is the beginning of a poem by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They may not mean to , but they do
They fill you with all the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.
It's not your fault that you mother failed you, she probably had her own difficulties but she was cruel to treat you the way she did.
4 years is no time at all to reverse all that was said to you when you were younger.
You'll get there in the end op but don't let this be an end to what could be a lovely new beginning.
Look back on all the lovely things he has said and try not to let your mother 's voice in your head be negative any more.
Easier said than done, I'm much older than you and I really hope you can get rid of those negative thoughts quicker than I did.

Listen to him!! He likes you the way you are. He thinks you’re beautiful.. Stop worrying and putting yourself down.

Perhaps his “perfect exes” were royal divas, pain in the asses that his friends couldn’t stand? Perhaps you’re going to seem like a breath of fresh air compared to them...

My best friend rarely wears make-up. When she does, she looks stunning, properly picture perfect. But that's not when I'm jealous of her. I'm jealous of her on the majority of the days when she wears no make up at all. She doesn't have perfect skin, she's just normal, like us all, but doesn't care to wear make-up, she's comfortable just being barefaced, not just comfortable, confident. It doesn't put her up or down. I envy her bare face. Do not assume that people who wear make-up / look conventionally pretty look down on you for being bare faced / plain, a lot of us envy your ability to own that 'look' and not feel that you have to put on cosmetics to be comfortable.

I'm convinced that you ARE projecting your low self esteem onto your partner, you are judging him as superficial because he's had conventionally pretty exes. That's obviously not all that he's about or he'd never have gone for someone who's not conventionally pretty for his next relationship. And incidentally you're assuming that all those two exes had in common was their beauty, and that's why he liked them. Maybe all three of you share a characteristic that he finds irresistible (a love of smooth jazz, a charitable nature, who knows) but maybe the reason they're his exes is because you have something more that they lacked? Maybe they'd have been perfect if they weren't as high maintenance with their looks?!

The bottom line is you DONT KNOW, so you CANNOT judge him and ruin this because of your own insecurities. Jesus, talk to the man before you kill this. Yeah, some more therapy would probably help you, but taking a leap of faith might be just as benefits

but why aren't you seeing what you do have and they don't.why is curvy bad.this society of fat shaming is ridiculous.
what if the world said 100 year ago that blonde and slim was fuck ugly.and curves were wowww.how would you feel now.this ingrained crap about whats beautiful is what ruining men and woman all over.
who says your curves aren't as good as her flats.
change your mindset to seeing yourself as as you are and beautiful for all the things you do give to the world.what do you give to him is why he is with you now.thats why they are exes.
why is plump worse than slim.really ask yourself for the explanation of this belief.

Did you even read MitziKs post?

Not listening to sound advice is an unattractive quality. Beauty and attractiveness is simply not about looks or how slim or fat you are, that is a very shallow viewpoint to have.

This is meant kindly but I agree with PP it sounds like you'd be best getting professional help for your self esteem before dating again.

Being self centred isn't attractive so stop it. So you are not Kate Moss (even she has problems) it's how you feel about someone, not what you look like. It's how you feel about yourself, you can keep working on that. Just meet them, or explain you are not ready. Get over yourself and give it a chance. Good luck. Be happy. You are just having a wobble, it will be fine.

Because my mum always told me that no one would love me because I'm not good enough. Or pretty enough. Or thin enough. My legs were too fat. My boobs were too small. My bum was too big. I looked too much like my dad. My hair was a dull colour. Dying my hair made me look hard... I've never been good enough.

Well then your Mum's a nasty psycho/sociopath - and since you've been NC with her for quite some time, it seems you worked that out for yourself too.

I could write lots of earnest things here and fill up lots more space but why bother when

Fuck her. She's wrong

.. will do just as well.

Stop worrying, let the relationship unfold whatever way it does, he liked you and fancies you, go with the flow. Like all relationships, it might work out, it might not, who knows. Everytime I thought a relationship would just repeat some (not good) experience I had before it worked out differently, that's life.

If his exes were so fabulous, how come they're exes.

You need to undo the programming from your psycho nasty unmother.

Incidentally the girl I knew at uni who did the most pulling of boyfriends, platonic friends, and love interests for most of the girls in our group (she had so many, she had surplus!) had good skin and attractive features but other than that was very very far from conventional figure beauty standards eg v small boobs, very pear shaped, short hair .. that girl could've pulled in roomful of devoutly religious celibate priests. It was her confidence and bubbliness and charisma.