I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

It's really sad that you still feel you have to end it. Do him one last favour and tell him honestly and in detail why you are ending it. Otherwise he may well think it's him.

Good luck for the future.

So I am going to end it. Not because I think he is an awful man but because I clearly have a long way to go and it isn't fair to drag him down with me

This actually makes sense to me. Better for you both in the long run.

Second mememeplease, although I'm sure you will treat him sensitively. Best wishes for the future Campfiresandbeers

Sorry, yes, should have said, I will tell him the reason. I'll make sure he understands it's nothing he's done.

I'm not going to even mention the message because that's a symptom and not the cause.

This is so sad, for both him and you. Clearly your exes did a real number on your self esteem.

He's going to go from excited to introduce his new partner to his mates to having to start looking all over again because you didn't feel thin enough. Crazy and tragic

That’s a shame.

Your mother was nasty and your Ex’s are wankers who have done such a great job on you that you’d rather listen to them than a lovely bloke.

There’s not much more to be said really if you value your Ex’s opinion more than the opinion of the man who finds you so attractive and lovely he WANTS you to meet his friends.

Your life, your choices. Just remember, it was YOUR choice to sabotage what could be a lovely relationship.

I think you've read his comments wrong and are seeing subtexts that simply aren't there.
I think he's aware of your insecurities about your appearance and told you what he thinks of you. That you to him you are beautiful and nothing his friends say will change his mind. And that is what matters. You can't mind read. You don't know what is in his head - you are assuming, and if he has dated "beautiful women" before , he could obviously choose to date another one again - but he hasn't . He picked you.

Creating a feeling of safety, making someone laugh and feel happiness and calm is far , far more attractive that trailing around after a glamazon whose path through life has been smoothed simply because of how they look. That is the foundation of what good relationships are made of. He's not lying - that makes you beautiful to him. A lot of very beautiful people have sailed through life , having their paths smoothed for them purely because of their looks. Imagine how fucked up they will be when they start to age.Many lack character because of it. Many are very self -absorbed. ( generalisation I know but I have seen this often- I have some drop dead gorgeous friends who are Botoxing themselves off the face of the earth for fear of losing their looks).

Your mother and your ex, qualify as cunts. Many people fall into that category. They win, until you learn to mentally say Fuck it, and Fuck you. My parents were super controlling, they lied to me about being adopted fro years, they fucked me up thoroughly in so many ways.But I am who I am because of that . Because I grew up with challenges. You are not alone with having revolting parents and horrible ex partners. But you are letting them win, still.

Don't break up with this man. He wants you to meet his friends. You are reading things into his words because you are overly focused on personal appearances and feeling of inadequacy.

Everyone has a long way to go with many things. Situations are presented to us over and over again until we change the way we respond. If you standard modus operandi is to feel you aren't in the right place for a relationship and to leave, maybe it's time to challenge that and do something different.

I'm frustated with myself for not being enough.

Says who? Only you! If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't. What's more, these are his friends who will only want to see him happy.

You can't let someone else love you til you love yourself. You need to take some steps to dealing with that. You are so more than enough.

This is your new mantra! I'm chanting it for you - we are all

He is also very kind, loyal, loving, thoughtful, caring, not scared of his emotions, able to be vulnerable.

This wonderful person adores the whole package of you. You expressed insecurity with regard to his friends, and he lovingly reassured you. You said you were worried about them and he merely told you not to worry about them! What else did you want him to say?

It is sad that you have given your power to these two strangers, the cheater and the rebound woman.

It is sad that a mature, stable, fabulous man thinks the world of you, feels an emotional and physical connection to you, prioritizes you, and thinks you are beautiful, but you are determined to block him and treat him with contempt because of his past with two conventionally beautiful [but inappropriate] women.

Instead of seeing your relationship as the blessing it is, you choose to see it as a curse. You won’t be satisfied with a kind, loving man. I fear that you can only be comfortable with another abuser.

Please don't break it off. You sound amazing together. Don't meet his friends yet if it causes you distress but maybe arrange to meet one of them. Go out for dinner with one of them so it's easier and more relaxed.

I have a close friend who is one of the nicest people on earth. She really struggles to go out for an event or even come to a house party. She is anxious that she people wouldn't want her there. Her husband and close friends have to coax her everytime but quite often we end up just seeing her on a smaller setting or more a last minute thing so she doesn't have to worry in the run up to it. The thing is she's very popular because she's lovely, bright, kind etc so her fears are completely unfounded. I've known her 13 years and that hasn't changed. We all love her so to see her we choose smaller settings and don't take it personally when she bows out of parties (not always, she does come to some and once she's there she loves it). It also all stems from her childhood.

Maybe his ex's were shallow and unkind, and you warm his heart.

Give it a go, as it looks like he is loving his warm armfull of woman

Maybe his friends don't like his ex's? Maybe they weren't nice people.

Maybe his friends will be happy he's with someone who makes him happy?

Maybe he places more value in personality rather than looks?

I've been out with good looking, fit guys before. I also dated a guy who weighed 18 stone who I adored and was seriously attracted to.

Maybe his Ex's are photogenic and in real life are far more ordinary than on their very best profile/going out pictures that they have on social media...

He's going to go from excited to introduce his new partner to his mates to having to start looking all over again because you didn't feel thin enough.

Yup. @Campfires, if you end this because of the lies your inner critic is telling you, your mother will have won. That’s so sad for you and this poor guy who has done nothing wrong. What a waste.

Yup. @Campfires, if you end this because of the lies your inner critic is telling you, your mother will have won. That’s so sad for you and this poor guy who has done nothing wrong. What a waste

She's obsessed with appearances. I think she's doing the right thing by setting him free until she can sort this obsession, if ever she will.

Read your post again Campfires
Taking out all the unneccessary, your partner tells you he thinks you're beautiful.
And you have to dump him because of those words.
Is this because he wasn't gushing enough in his praise of you ? Not falling at your feet in admiration ?
If this were a woman posting about being dumped by a man because she didn't choose the right language in her praise of him, I think the repolies would be a lot different.

Sorry this might sound harsh but I feel a bit sorry for your DP. You sound like you are very self-absorbed. You actually want to end things just because YOU feel insecure? He's done nothing wrong here.
You clearly need to address your own issues here, rather than looking to blame other people (his friends). Who you hadn't even met yet.
You are making assumptions and judging his friends which is exactly what you assume they will do to you - so you are no better surely?
Why did you start dating this guy if you feel he is way too good looking for you?

OP you said this:

In the past year, I've lost 16lb and been going to the gym so I'm stronger and I've lost fat and gained muscle but I've still got a way to go and, sadly, I know from experience that, even when I get there, there will still be people who feel it's appropriate to comment negatively on how I look.

And that's just it. The truth is, it doesn't matter what you look like, no human alive is attractive to everyone. There is not a single woman on the planet that every man will fancy!

I went through years of hating my body for being pale and freckly, feeling unsexy because at the time the media was all about fake tanned, blonde and busty girls.

But guess what? The people I've been with love the pale and freckly look, it's their thing, which is part of why they are attracted to me. Along with my personality because obviously you have to get along too!

I get people I don't know commenting on a huge scar I have on my arm, I used to cry afterwards or have a go at them. Now I just think meh and don't much give a shit because it doesn't matter! At all! Not one tiny bit!

You are going to waste your life ruminating over something that is totally self destructive! I don't know what the answer is and I don't really know how I got over doing the same but I think it was when I had the accident that caused the scar - I very nearly died. And realised I had spent more than two decades hating my body - doing so achieved nothing but attracting people who looked for vulnerable women, pushing away lovely people I couldn't believe would want me, having an eating disorder, constantly obsessing over people's exes, comparing myself etc etc.

I don't mean to be preachy but I hate how much time I wasted on this shit and it took nearly dying to snap me out of it. I will never look in the mirror and think I look amazing, but I now believe that some other people will look at me and think that I do. And some won't, but it doesn't matter!

I really hope that you can learn to make peace with yourself too x

I think someone else hit it earlier on. You'll end it with this nice guy. You'll meet another twat like your exes and you'll feel in your comfort zone of knowing they care only about your appearance --or they actually probably don't, but they know that they can abuse and control you through your insecurity about your looks. Then that self fulfilling prophecy will be completed. But you won't be happy will you.

You are scared to give this guy a chance because it might, just might change the course of your life and that is uncomfortable.

Another pp suggested meeting one friend at a time. That is a good idea.

And yes until you love yourself, you won't allow others to love you. Which is a shame and will continue to be the pattern until you change your own responses to your crap past. Otherwise every nice potential partner is in a no win situation.

So you’ve found someone who is great and you could be with forever, so you dump him for it?

Hum, I’m sorry for you and I think you need to get counseling if you want to change... but I’m not sure you want to change.

You are deliberately self sabotaging so you can be unhappy and alone, because you prefer being that way.

You met someone and started to have a wonderful, genuine relationship, which you don’t want to have, so you have set out to destroy it.

You’ve twisted words, you have contorted reality, made a whole house of cards to self-justify your actions. You’ve homed I’m on a bunch of complete strangers and set them up as the designated ‘baddies’,so you can pretend to yourself that you’re the passive victim in this, but you are really not.

You are forcing everything around you to re-enact some dysfunctional relationship model so you can feel justified in saying ‘see, I’m unloveable, everyone tells me so and aren’t they mean’. And you are so wrapped up in the need to do this to yourself that you don’t even care that you are throwing away something great and different this time. It’s like a form of self-harm, except you are impacting on the guys happiness too.

And then afterwards, you can tell yourself/everyone that the world is mean and nasty and that you will never find someone to love you. Because that’s the role you actively desire to be in.

Because you are “happier” that way. Happier being sad.

The first step to changing yourself is recognizing that you have a problem, and wanting to change it. Until you decide that, you’ll carry on doing this circular type of thinking and behavior about relationships.

Are you honestly happier making to world prove to you over and over again how unloveable you are? Or is it possible you are, well, incorrect?

So this great guy was wrong to trust you.

You are willing to hurt him because he didn’t follow your secret rules. He called you beautiful. He has 2 exes with pretty features. He reassured you when you were worried, but didn’t say the ‘right’ words.

You’ve always hoped that someone would find you beautiful. He does. You’re canceling him.

On the one hand, you say he is loving, kind, and in touch with his emotions. On the other, you paint him as one-dimensional, only able to be attracted to typically pretty women.

Which is he? Deep or shallow? You like to label people. His ex is “better” because she is “beautiful,” even though she cheated. You are “not enough” because you have a natural, quirky, curvy look. No matter that he loves your look.

From now on, when you connect with someone, will you frantically search social media for signs of attractive exes? Will you draw up a checklist of words they are forbidden to utter?

You’ve had a great mutual connection with a genuine, sincere man. A rare find nowadays. Now, because of your need to self-flagellate, you are creating a crisis out of nothing.

I genuinely think it would be the wrong thing to end it with this man OP. Why make yourself and him unhappy - it makes no sense to me. You need to address this problem with him otherwise you could both be hung up on this for years to come. Please give this some more thought xx

@CampfiresAndBeer I know you said you wouldn't reply to the thread anymore, but I just wanted to say that I think this might be the first time I have seen a clear and lucid description of the way I feel, written by somebody else. Particularly the way you say you feel like you have picked through it all in therapy, but it has not changed how you actually feel, but also the feelings about compliments, and an aversion to touch.

I think therapy can give us the "why" but that to unlearn the responses that make us so fearful and feel so unworthy, the only way out is to have positive experiences with other people, which is very hard when everything inside is shouting at you to keep a safe distance away.

All I can add is that I have tried to be more open with people, it has been very difficult, and I have been surprised at the responses, some people really do just have the EQ of a brick, others have been very kind, no-one has been unpleasant.

Maybe if you could allow someone to love you, you could learn that you really do deserve it?

I haven’t read the full thread but I did want to add my two pennies in.

We have a friend who is fun and funny and attractive. His ex-wife and ex- girl friends were very attractive.
He got a new girlfriend who is not as conventionally attractive. They were invited to my party. Where she would meet us and the wider friendship group. She engineered a massive fight with him - I think to avoid us - because of her own insecurities. So they didn’t come.

We just want our friend to be happy. We couldn’t care two hoots about physical attractiveness. We just wanted to meet our friends new girlfriend who he spoke so highly about to us. It was very sad that she felt that way and they missed a great night!

Maybe your boyfriends friends think similarly?