I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

Do you still have contact with your mum?

No. It'll be 8 years this May.

You sound high maintenance, despite saying that you feel somehow below par.

I'm not. I never share any of this with anyone in real life. I've learnt to mask it very well over the years.

What do you want any of us to say, OP? You have three pages of people trying to reassure you that you're enough, that your DP fancies you, and that you're sabotaging your own happiness, and you just keep coming back and shit-talking yourself over and over. If you're so convinced that you're crap and you're not prepared to listen to anyone saying otherwise, I'm not sure what else anyone can reasonably do to help you. Can you at least acknowledge that you're reading all these replies and trying to take some of it on board?

I guess I want to be with someone who loves me and looks at me and thinks I'm beautiful.

...and maybe you are!! Stop sabotaging it!

Not someone who is looking at me fully aware that they've lowered their standards somewhat.

YOU are putting that on him. He SAID you are beautiful to HIM.

Not everyone is beautiful to everyone. Thank god. It’s far better that we’re attracted to different things

My ex boyfriends, shags, partners vary from short, very slim & dark haired, through to very tall, blonde & built like a brick outhouse and everything in between. Objectively, on paper, I have a ‘type’ but very few of them actually looked anything like that and I was attracted to all of them. I didn’t introduce all of them to my friends because o knew they weren’t ‘keepers’. The ones I wanted my friends to meet were the ones I actually wanted to be with for more than 5 minutes.

HE thinks you’re beautiful. HE wants to be with you. HE wants you to meet the people who are important to him

Why would you let your nasty mother and some wankers from your past ruin that? That would be immensely stupid.

Listen here girly. Snap out of this way of thinking. I did for years and sabotaged everything I did thinking these things. Stop it and live life as you.

My exh fancied my best mate and often talked about wanting to sleep with her and I put up with that for over fifteen years thinking I deserved the hairy nosed creep feeling that way.. I didn't he was just slime and I felt I'd be alone if I didn't stay...

My parents did the same setting me against my sister and always made it clear I should try harder etc. I've spent half my life trying to be what they all wanted and hating what I was.... Tuff shit to them I say now.. I divorced him and kept the best mate who is super skinny and gorgeous and totally different to me but I love her very much and we are just different..
After dating and learning to just love me for me I met a great guy who I've been with now for twelve years and married for ten... His mates all told him to move on and find someone without two kids and someone who was skinny and London chic. He didn't listen and wanted me.

He has moved on from all but the one friend who supported us and went onto to adopt my two children and have another. There were times I wanted to give up and say what the hell are you thinking but that would have been such a waste.

Unless you've chained this guy to you and are holding a gun to his head he is with you because he bloody well wants to be.

Being down on yourself makes you feel unattractive so stop it and embrace your curves (my dh loves mine).

Flaunt what you got and show all these mates why the ex wife and ex girlfriend are in the dust behind you both... They clearly weren't right for him and he has finally found what he realises he wanted..

Don't ruin a good thing. Embrace it and run with it xxxxx

Do you not think its time to move on from "My mum said" or "My ex did.."?
Unless you do, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to make things right for you.
Only you can do that, but you seem unwilling.

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you. It’s obvious he likes you and wants to be with you. Why can’t you see that. He is not “ settling” as you put it.
He wouldn’t want you to meet his friends if he wasn’t serious about you. Why do you presume that you know what other people are thinking? You can’t possible know what they will be thinking. He wants YOU. Don’t give him up. You will be missing out on something great,
I hope you really listen to what people are saying on here.

What do you mean by "doing better"? As in when you keep saying he could be doing better than you?

If you literally mean someone better looking it's insulting to him, other women and yourself!

I didn't have a huge scar and a disability when I met my partner years ago. Hadn't seen him for a few years since in fact. I have the scars and condition now. And I have him. Because he loves ME. So he thinks my scar is kickass and is proud of me. Like I say, I would have fucked all that up before I found peace with myself.

Counselling counselling and more counselling. Also having seen friends on the other side of this, you could pull someone into a toxic relationship yourself this way - a constant loop of need for reassurance vs rejection of compliments and reassurance is unfair on the other person in the relationship too.

Being happy single and liking yourself is IMO the healthiest place to start a new relationship.

The overwhelming majority of people choose life partners for more than their looks. Be one of those people. And want one too.

There was a BIG clue in your 1st or 2nd post.

You we're trying to tell him how you we're feeling and he inadvertently shut that down with his reply.

How about trying again, how how about being more explicit and let yourself be very vulnerable and tell him exactly what the issue is with meeting his friends?

I can really empathise with how you are feeling ( thanks parents!), I truly think it's the deep emotional connection you have with someone that is the real love that makes you adore each other. Perhaps he does truly have that with you?

I'm so sorry OP that your mom and some of your ex's have been so nasty.

Let's play out your scenario for a second: so you meet his friends, and they think 'she's not the same type as his previous girlfriends.' Or like you say, someone might even think "she's not quite a pretty as his ex.'

And? That is one quick impression, but that isn't what any of them will care about. I mean, come on - who cares about how good looking their friends' partners are?! How you treat him, how happy you make him, whether they like to hang out with you and him. Those are some of the things people care about.

So you might not be as pretty as his ex's and they might notice. It doesn't matter nor does it mean he is settling.

[rolls sleeves up]

Grow up.

You aren't the little girl who was let down and abused by her mother.

You aren't the young woman who was abused by her ex tapping into her feelings of being an abused little girl.

You aren't the adult woman who was cast aside by a complete cunt tapping into her feelings of being an abused little girl.

You are a fully grown woman who is perfectly fine and whose boyfriend finds attractive in looks and personality.

You're tarring him with the same brush that people previously in your life have justifiably earned. You are telling him that he is an abuser, just like them.

Nobody is ever going to be good enough for you because, at present, you are looking at them and seeing them all as abusers. Even though you're phrasing it as them being too good for you, what you are doing is telling them they aren't good enough, because they can't say the right thing by giving you a compliment, they can't say the right thing by not saying anything, they can't say it without words by loving you, they can't do anything right. So they aren't good enough for you because they can't fix the bit of your head that is more comfortable with still being the abused little girl.

My mother was awful (and said many of the things you repeat). My exes were fucking atrocious. But my DP even if he is a bit of a dick when it comes to practical things is not responsible for them, is not like them and if he finds me attractive and both loves and likes me as a person, then he's right, I am fucking awesome. He actually worded it as 'you know those Tom and Jerry cartoons with the little mouse dressed as an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Imagine those words are being said by one of them. Ping the nasty little rat off your shoulder and get on with being gorgeous'.

I am not going to let those abusive cunts in my past steal my future from me. They tried. I'm still here - and that will piss them off far more than whimpering 'nobody loves me, I'm ugly, say nice things, no, don't say nice things because you don't mean them, say other things, no, they're wrong, too, SAY THE RIGHT THING, NO THAT'S WRONG, I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL THE SAME, YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER ABUSER WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT'.

Every time you punish him for saying something nice, you're rewarding those abusers. Why the fuck should you do that?

It's about knowing that I'm not as good as his exes and knowing that he could do better

So, what you are saying is that the only thing that matters to everyone is being slim & glamorous?

Well, that’s me fucked then. I’m short, fat, heading south & getting on a bit.

Quite a few other posters claim not to be slim & glamorous too...so clearly many of us aren’t worthy of good men.

Except we are. Many posters have said they’re not slim & glamorous but their partners find the beautiful/sexy/attractive. Don’t you believe them?

And knowing that they can all see it too

Maybe, if you give them half a chance, they’ll see an attractive woman who is putting a very big smile on their friends face and think you’re fab.

Give people a chance.

Except that he’s done nothing to make you think He’s lowered his standards. And by the sounds of it, he could tell you you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and you’ll think he’s lying.

Yes youre right. Because it's not true.

I'm angry with my self. Not him.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. There's nothing I hate more than people giving me 'compliments' about my looks. They are blatantly lying to my face and it gives me rage.
I also would not believe anyone who would want to be with me, because if I went along with that, all the other person would do is string me along until someone slimmer and prettier came. I know I will be single forever and thank God for that.

I wouldn't go to meet his friends. Enjoy what you have while it lasts but don't make plans for years ahead. That would be naive in my opinion.

WHY are you angry with yourself?

Sounds like your mum might have caused this issue op, my mum did this to my sister. They had a nasty divorce and she singled out my sister for abuse because she looked too much and acted like my Dad. It leaves a nasty scar. I would look into counselling in your area. Maybe see if there's anything through your gp.

Good luck x

Have a look at the first few posts of the stately homes thread.

See if you recognise your mum in there.

Every one likes different things .
You should not compare yourself to the other women or exes .
I think you need more counselling. My mother said something to me recently that was not very nice . I kept quiet. Inwardly thought “Jeez Thanks Mum ! “
I am sure you have many qualities that make you attractive to your present partner.

@MitziK speaks the truth. Far more articulately than I ever could. I want an angel AND a Mitzi on my shoulder now on any low confidence days!

Seriously OP life is short, enjoy it!

You might not be slim or very glam or whatever but you can still be beautiful!

WHY are you angry with yourself?

For not being good enough. For being bothered that I'm not good enough. Because it matters.

But actually it doesn’t matter. If you really stop and think about it. It just doesn’t matter

I am sure you have many qualities that make you attractive to your present partner.

I don't know and I don't want to ask.

He says I make him laugh and he feels safe and happy when he is with me.

But you are good enough for you, you need to be happy with yourself because people can leave for all sorts of reasons. You can't base your self worth on other people. It doesn't work.

So, what you are saying is that the only thing that matters to everyone is being slim & glamorous?

No.

It just doesn't make sense.

Oh.. who wouldn't want to feel safe and happy?
My time of having someone who made me feel that way was the happiest of my whole life.
Nothing compares to it.