I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

From your updates it’s clear that this isn’t actually about your partner, it’s about your negative opinion of yourself.
Your mother sounds awful and I would really recommend getting some counselling before you spiral any lower. You can self refer in most areas or ask your GP to refer you.
Your partner sounds lovely and if you feel ready perhaps you could talk to him about some of this? 💐

Your Mum said that? 😢

She set you up for the shitty relationships you’ve had. What she said was beyond awful.

You keep saying you’re not good enough, it’s so very sad. You SOUND really lovely.

I’m guessing it would take a lot of counselling to even begin to unravel the damage your mother and various Ex’s have done, but I think you need to do it.

In the meantime, you need to have a chat with yourself! Your mother and your ex’s...they’re wrong. They’re nasty and they’re wrong. Right now you have a lovely man who thinks you’re amazing, why not believe him? The other way of thinking makes you unhappy. Let HIM help you to be happy in yourself. Why not believe a NICE bloke over the shitty ones!!

You don’t have to meet his friends yet if you don’t want to & I think when you are ready you should do it 1 friend/1 couple at a time. Not all of them at once.

Explain to him that you’re not ready to meet them yet and when you are you just want to meet them gradually in a low key way.

He’ll be disappointed as he’s excited for you to meet them, but IF he cares about you, he’ll understand.

If there was no good answer....then you are setting him up, so you can finish it.

Your mum was awful and sound alike her issue, was with your dad. From the sounds of it.

She is the reason you ended up with horrible men.

It might be a good idea to end this relationship as it's not bringing you happiness. But that's not enough. You need to work on you. Get some help and support.

Oh OP, the technical term for your ex is a twat and it can only be goid that he’s an ex. It sounds like you have a long history of relationships that have done a number on your self-esteem, beginning with how you were raised. When that happens it can mean you literally cannot accept positive feedback - those thoughts and feelings about you as an attractive loveable person have nowhere to ‘land’. It can then feel ‘easier’ to be with those who do what we expect ie reject us. Now you are with a man who thinks you are awesome it’s raising all the sel-doubt and then some. If you can get some counselling it could be really helpful for you over time. For now, try and accept that you have cared for yourself enough to find someone who really rates you - as you deserve.

You’re being very nasty to him. I guess it’s projecting, maybe you think it’s ok to presume he’s an arsehole first. Save the heartache etc. Life doesn’t work like that.

I don't think he's an arsehole.

I don't know. I guess I want to be with someone who loves me and looks at me and thinks I'm beautiful. Not someone who is looking at me fully aware that they've lowered their standards somewhat.

You need to get a grip of yourself. End the relationship and seek therapy to understand why your treating yourself. You will never meet a man that wants to be with you and love you until you love yourself. And you are so far from that

So because your mum told you nasty things you've written off your right to a happy loving relationship?

You need help. You don't have to live like this any more.

*treating yourself like this

I don't know. I guess I want to be with someone who loves me and looks at me and thinks I'm beautiful. Not someone who is looking at me fully aware that they've lowered their standards somewhat.

Except that he’s done nothing to make you think He’s lowered his standards. And by the sounds of it, he could tell you you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and you’ll think he’s lying.

You need to get some help and do some serious work on your self-esteem.

@CampfiresAndBeer
If you don’t think he’s an arsehole. Then why label him as one. Or as just like all other men. Humans are individuals

My ex’s ex was a fucking model on the cover of vogue. I am a fat (curvy) person. I would never project how I feel about myself into him.

Why on EARTH would you think he has settled for you. He either likes you or he doesn’t. And from what he said he does.

Are you fucking this up because it’s the easy option. Like staying in a shit relationship for 12 years was an easier option?

Get yourself to a therapist now. Take this slowly and don’t be an arsehole to him because of how you feel. Because that’s not nice.

He does think you're beautiful otherwise he wouldn't be with you. And he's proud of you, he is showing you off to everyone he knows.

Don't throw away your relationship over this. I know exactly how you feel, I'd describe myself as fat, average looking at best and could make more of an effort with appearance. My OH is quite good looking and I've seen his exes and they are so much better looking than me. It caused a lot of insecurity, and I used to be worried about how people would judge us. But ultimately he finds me beautiful, he loves me and I can see it in the way he looks at me. That is all that matters.

Your OH is with you, not those other women, it isn't that he is settling OP it's that he loves you and finds you attractive and you are the person he wants to be with.

He's said he wants me to meet them. There is an annual even planned - I'd have to pull out. He said if I'm not comfortable to let him know.

But it's not about any of that.

It's about knowing that I'm not as good as his exes and knowing that he could do better.

And knowing that they can all see it too.

OK, stop, he said you're beautiful and what they think isn't important. Clearly he adores you, that's the only thing that matters regarding the meeting of the friends.

There is some great advise above and like a few ops have said, don't throw away something when you clearly care for this man and he returns the feelings!

Now, let's look at your self love, clearly you don't see yourself the way he does, and I would bet a lot of money your friends and family do too.
I need you to go and look in a mirror, preferably full length so you can have a real good look at yourself.
I want you to pick 3 things you really like about you, this could be your eyes, the natural curl of your hair, your bum, your legs, your smile or look inside and it be, your work ethic, your humour. Literally any three things about you that you like.

Look in that mirror and tell yourself you are an amazing woman you deserve to be loved and you love yourself and you love those 3 things about you.

I do this when I am feeling under the weather, stressed, or just need a general pick me up. Even if you struggle the first time, do it everyday. It's all about working on your self confidence and self love. Trust me telling yourself you love you is a big thing, not many people tell themselves and they really should.

Can't be bothered to read the whole thread , but you need a serious head wobble.

If he likes you. THAT is all that matters. Who gives a monkeys whether you are thinner, fatter, funnier, mor beautiful. All that matters is that he thinks you are the dog's and that you want to be with him .

FFS
WHY ARE THEY EXES IF THEYRE SO PERFECT AND YOURE SHIT

I’d normally be the first to tell you to end things but I agree that in this case you’re getting in a tizz over nothing!

Also, from the point of view of the “friends”, a few of my male friends have dated conventionally attractive but dreadfully dull/annoying women. I was glad when they broke up because I thought the men could do better in terms of personality and compatibility.

You will never meet a man that wants to be with you and love you until you love yourself. And you are so far from that

I've been single for 4 years, had counselling and worked on myself.

I thought I could do it but I can't.

I don't think you're going to be happy in a relationship until you have addressed what your mum did to you. I really believe that you need some decent therapy. Your beliefs about yourself are totally warped, by your mum. You could be with the best, kindest man in the world and it wouldn't work, because you don't believe that you are worthy of love, and of being happy. You have the power to change your beliefs, you have the ability to be happy. But you have to want to change.

Do you still have contact with your mum?

You sound high maintenance, despite saying that you feel somehow below par.

You know what, I get why you feel this way.

I've always been the ugly sister of my friendship group. People (normally gorgeous, thin, tall) tell me how "stunning" I looked and I was thinking "yeah right, what are you after?"

HOWEVER

My dp was a physically very attractive guy when we met. Within our group he was highly sought after, his ex gfs were gorgeous. His family are glamazons. We'd go out and women would talk over me, flirting with him. (He would always shoot them down, in a nice way "Sorry but this is my gf" or "have you met flutter, we're celebrating our anniversary" etc.)

We've been together almost 13 years now. He compliments me and by now I believe him. I found it very hard to at first.

But he likes short, dumpy, frizzy-haired, sarcastic me.
I'm really glad I gave him a chance all those years ago.

You need to work on your self esteem. Chances are he's a really nice guy who likes you for you. Don't get in the way of that.

I just can't think straight.

If you meet a person who only loves you for looks then you’re utterly fucked.
You do know that don’t you

Do you know what your counselling has achieved?

You’ve attracted a nice bloke not an abuser. So that’s a massive positive.

Now stick with it. And stop ranking people arbitrarily on looks, you’re too good for that shit.

Don’t fuck up a potentially fabulous relationships because of your insecurities. This is not about him and his mates’ opinion of you, it’s about you. Have you had some counselling for the number your exes did on you? You might want to consider it.

I’m plump. Well, just fat now. I’ve always been a bit on the larger side. I have a wealth of exes, some absolute stunners and some just normal lookers. The stunners have all moved on to wives of equal beauty. And do you know what? When I have seen them in the years since we broke up, they still flirt with me. Even though I don’t colour my hair, have put on about 2 stone and haven’t bought any new clothes since 2015.

Despite all that, I am cheeky and sparkly and almost always described as being “cute” or “naughty”. It’s not all about the looks, it’s about how you shine.

Don’t be angry with yourself for not being enough. Enough is a completely arbitrary amount set by your imagination. His enough is you or he’d be off finding someone else and not introducing you to his friends.