I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

I know I sound harsh but I don't understand your mindset? So you never take compliments? How have you coped with previous partners giving you compliments?
Do you give compliments?

said that what attracted him to me was the fact that he thought I was less likely to cheat on him than someone beautiful

Jeez OP, no wonder your self-esteem is in the crapper. That’s hateful. Please don’t let this man, who seems to have given you no reason to doubt him, go just because you have dated gits before.
If he was ashamed of you, he wouldn’t take you to meet his friends. You’ve only been seeing him since January. He could avoid this but he’s not doing so. If they are good friends to him then they will be looking to see whether you make him happy. They are well aware that previous relationships of his have not worked. Please give them and your bf a chance. Lighten up a little.

OP this situation sounds entirely in your own head. You're also presupposing his pals are shallow tosspots which, if he's nice, is very unlikely to be true. Just show up, have a jar or two and find some common ground, you'll be grand.

I just don't expect to be complimented. Physical compliments are not something I'd ever seek out.

So what would have been the ideal answer he could have given.

FWIW, I always make an effort with my appearance. Often get called 'glam', I dont judge other people on their appearance.

By the way I say this as someone who's DP has many hot friends a couple of whom he's slept with over the years, prior to meeting me. Just crack on; as soon as you get to know them you'll wonder why you cared so much.

Ffs OP he said he thinks you are beautiful!

Being slim doesn't make you beautiful, being blonde doesn't, being leggy with tits under your chin doesn't etc etc etc... you could be an absolute oil painting on the outside but a complete cunt on the inside making all those outward appearances ugly anyway.

Stop comparing yourself to other ppl or judging yourself by the standards or expectations of others.

If it's working - enjoy it!

You're forgetting one very important thing.

They are both his EXes.

Stop trying to sabotage something good. The person who misses out will be you. He thinks you're beautiful, what more does he have to do?

But he isn't with his exes is he? He's with you. Clearly their looks and figures weren't enough to keep them together. I think you have some serious self esteem issues and should consider some counselling.

In the nicest possible way, people are not interested in you as much as you think they are. You are falling into thinking traps and while all that is going on, your actual life is passing you by.
At first glance you are talking yourself down, and boo hoo hoo I'm so ugly he's only with me because he feels sorry for me shite. Yet in another way it's quite ego centric to be placing yourself as being at the centre of everyone's thoughts.
Maybe you are just mediocre in looks and personality. Maybe he is as well. Just middling. Enough. Plenty.
There's many contradictions here. You want to be adored. That must mean you think you are worthy of adoration. Yet you say to the guy 'your friends will wonder what you see in me'. It's all about you to some extent. If you buy into that idea you will never be in a relationship. Don't buy into this bullshit from yourself.
Bottom line is it's a smokescreen. This cycle of thoughts is a defense mechanism against the real issue. Feelings. Taking an emotional risk.
Can you take a risk that someone might really like you just for your 'you-ness', or will you push them away by building a case to dump them before they dump you? That way your mind wins, again.

You keep saying you don't want compliments but are then focusing this all on looks, you obviously care about how you look greatly. You probably get on better with him than his exes and he obviously likes you otherwise he'd be with you.

Realistically does it matter if his friends think you are less attractive than his exes. Why do you care? It really really doesn't matter, and most people don't like others because of their looks anyway. I mean most people couldn't give a shiney shit about how attractive their friends partners are, I would care more about whether they were kind and got on with my friend.

I think your really making a mountain out of a molehill, your not cut out for relationships because your worried about your looks? It's all a bit dramatic.

No one really cares about your looks, people just become people when you talk to them. Your BF said the right thing there.

Why are you being so horrible to him.
Why are you judging him
Why are you presuming things about him

That’s what you think he is doing to you, and it upsets you. But you’re doing worse.

As a woman over 40 you need to really assess your life in this particular stance. You’re being very nasty to him. I guess it’s projecting, maybe you think it’s ok to presume he’s an arsehole first. Save the heartache etc. Life doesn’t work like that.

How have you coped with previous partners giving you compliments?

I've been single for 4 years.

I was in a loveless/sexless relationship for 12 years prior to that where there were no compliments.

Between the two, I dated the two men I described upthread. No compliments there either. But, tbh, I didn't expect them to so wasn't a problem.

I do give compliments. I worked in a really shitty place a few years ago and morale was really low. I started a 'compliment culture' and, although people were a bit unsure to begin with, it kind of spread and I could see other people offering out compliments.

I'm happy to take compliments on some things but not on things as personal as appearance. So I just say "thank you" and move on very quickly. I'm not rude about it.

Have you ever stopped to think that you NOT spending all your time doing your makeup, styling your hair and getting dressed up to the nines ever day is exactly why he likes you?

My husband of many years has told me a number of times that he is glad I don’t do those things and we probably wouldn’t be together if I held those things to be important.

You should look into counselling to examine where your low self esteem come from.

Do you need a talking to OP . In two weeks time you will have met his friends and all will be fine. Some you will warm to, some you won't.

Sounds a great relationship.

Why have you seen his ex wife and ex girlfriends photos in the first place?

It's such early days, you really need to focus on looking after the relationship you are building, letting him discover all the wonderful unique things about you, and getting to know him at a steady pace.

Don't let other people influence how you feel in your relationship.

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

I'm just going to put this out there. I think he means beautiful inside and out. How is that being settled for?

I think you need to find some emotional balance

I think it would be ridiculous to end it. His reply was sweet, if he'd said "they'll think you're the most gorgeous woman in the world" you would have just felt he was being dishonest. Unless he's a 19 year old frat boy presumably he's dating you as an entire person not just finding the skinniest person he can to go out with.

"Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

This is what matters. Your bf thinks you are beautiful and wants to spend time with you.

Why are you comparing yourself to his exes? They may look beautiful, but beauty is only skin deep. They are his exes for a reason.

You need to improve your self esteem. He wants to be with you and introduce you to his friends. He wants you to be part of his life and friendship group. That’s a major plus. Start looking forward, and enjoying life and this relationship.

If his friends care about him, the only think they will be judging is whether you make him happy. Because you could be the most gorgeous woman in the world, but if you don't make him happy then they will be concerned.

He does sound happy, from what you have said, and he clearly finds you attractive. I'm sure if any of us met you, we would see an attractive woman. However this isn't about what he thinks, or what anyone else thinks is it? It's about the beliefs you hold about yourself. You have some deeply ingrained, negative thoughts about yourself, that, in order for you to be happy, you need to unpick. Who has made you feel so unattractive, and so unworthy of love, and of being desired? How was/is your relationship with your parents, and were did you feel accepted and valued as you grew up? It could stem from the 12 year loveless relationship you were in (I know how difficult that is) but I wonder if you subconsciously "chose" this, because of earlier experiences?

You are NOT stupid and you ARE cut out for relationships. Whether you are at a point to be in a relationship right know? Possibly not, because I believe you need some decent therapy to uncover and let go of all of these negative beliefs you hold about yourself. Otherwise I think you will end up sabotaging this relationship some way or another.

Its very obvious the OP has had a bad time and now finds it hard to trust again. From the sounds of your exes, I don't blame you.

Your self worth is on the floor OP. This may be for good reason and due to your experiences. Of course this will affect how you view relationships.

I suggest that you slow this relationship right down. You know what, you don't have to meet his friends yet if you don't want to. It's ok. It's ok to slow the pace right down until you are ready or feeling more secure.

However this pattern of behaviour that you have will keep reappearing until you deal with the root cause - that you don't feel you deserve to be loved by anybody who is remotely attractive. If you decide to finish this relationship, at least have a go at counselling afterwards. In some ways it might be better to be single and tackle it but it would be a shame to waste something if it is promising.

So what would have been the ideal answer he could have given.

There isn't one. It's not really him or his friends I'm frustrated with. I'm frustated with myself for not being enough.

He thinks you're beautiful, what more does he have to do?

No. He said it to me because it's what men say to women and, apparently, I flinched when he said it - despite saying "thank you". He resolved to continue saying it until I believe it but it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I just smile and say "thank you".

It's all just too much and I can't make sense of any of it.

Realistically does it matter if his friends think you are less attractive than his exes. Why do you care?

Because my mum always told me that no one would love me because I'm not good enough. Or pretty enough. Or thin enough. My legs were too fat. My boobs were too small. My bum was too big. I looked too much like my dad. My hair was a dull colour. Dying my hair made me look hard... I've never been good enough.

I just kept hoping that one day it wouldn't matter any more but it still does.

And he deserves better than this.

YOUR Ex’s were fucking awful. They’ve done a right number on your self esteem
🙁

I understand that it’s intimidating if his Ex’s & all his friends partners are glamorous and you don’t feel you are. But being slim & glamorous isn’t necessarily what attracts everyone. Maybe with his Ex’s he was trying to pick a trophy partner to match up to the group ideal, but maybe he’s now actually grown up and decided that HE is actually attracted to someone more curvy and less ‘fake’.

He knows his own mind. It’s YOU he wants to be with, not any of them.

He’s not settling, he’s found what HE likes & that’s you. He wouldn’t be wanting you to meet his friends if HE didn’t want to be with YOU.

He wasn’t agreeing with you that you’re ‘less than perfect’ he was saying ‘I want to be with you, what they think doesn’t matter’. That’s whether they think you’re a super model or not. He wasn’t saying they will think you’re not attractive enough.

However, I’d advise meeting with one other couple at a time. Meeting all his friends in one go sounds too intimidating for you. I probably wouldn’t fancy that these days myself.

Don’t break up with the poor bloke just because HE fancies you, dafty!

I'm going to be blunt.

Your mum is an idiot and a cruel person. What she told you is nonsense.

In the long run what matters about a person is not how they look because in that case most of us would become unlovable as we age.

What matters most is character and personality.

This man is clearly looking for more than looks. He may well have learned through bitter experience that going by looks alone is a big mistake.

Please consider going to counselling to help with your self-esteem. You really need to get your mother's voice out of your head. It's damaging.

My favourite people aren't the best looking ones, are yours OP?

Your mindset is all wonky.

Wow OP! you have such self esteem issues. You need to seek some counselling for this so you don't rely on partners to define you. This man clearly likes you but you will end up pushing him away thus confirming what you already believe about yourself! A self fulfilling prophecy! I'm old but never been more confident. My looks have faded and i'm now invisible to men however this is exactly what I want. I want to be liked/loved and appreciated for who i am as a human being not what i look like. Your body is just the vessel you live in! Develop self love! This will shine through. Others will see the confidence in you and love you for it, including this man! Don't push him away.

OP STOP.

🛑 ✋ STOP

Change your mindset. He’s with you because YOU are enough. Be yourself.

Why?

Because it seems to be working out brilliantly at the moment. You’ve got a lovely DP who loves you for you.

Seriously some people are as shallow as you make out but MOST people are not. As the replies on this thread seem to be demonstrating.

Try to be kind to yourself and shake off this nonsense.

Don't break it off with him. He fancies you. He thinks you're hot.

But given how your mother and exes have behaved I think you could benefit from some counselling. Their behaviour was very cruel and in all likelihood based on their need to feel in control by making you feel small. Don't let them win.