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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:
Prequelle · 27/03/2019 09:08

This is a ridiculous way of living. Why do you have such a rigid routine?

And it's absolutely ridiculous to be so against watching tv somewhere on his own in his own house.

I couldn't live like this. Just because you're married doesn't mean joined at the hip. It's needy, demanding and causes resentment.

hospitalbagfrenzy · 27/03/2019 09:09

What pp said

LuluBellaBlue · 27/03/2019 09:10

Wow!!! You are seriously hard work, controlling and yes - confusing!
Do you just make up random rules to push him and see how far you can go and what you can make him do?
Sorry but you sound horrible to be in a relationship with.

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2019 09:11

Yeah you do seem needy
I don't think that you should have to spend all your time at home together just because you're married

Bringbackthestripes · 27/03/2019 09:11

You don’t want him to watch a tv show in another room yet you are miffed he doesn’t want you to smoke alone?

He can’t do his thing the way he wants yet you want to do what you want. Sounds very one sided.

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 27/03/2019 09:11

Crikey you sound like you're being hard work. He's a grown up - he's allowed to watch telly in his own home at a time of his own choosing, especially as he's being highly considerate to you about it.

I don't get smoking just before going to bed together, but then I'm not a smoker.

You're both entitled to want a bit of time without the other.

Is this a reverse? I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't really realise your being unreasonable.

whifflesqueak · 27/03/2019 09:11

I would gently suggest that this is all quite mad.

millymollymoomoo · 27/03/2019 09:11

Too rigid in my view

I’ve been married 13 years - we often watch different things in different rooms ( why make him go out!) and go to bed at separate times

It’s about balance. Making sure you do things alone and together

I would hate your regime

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2019 09:12

I want I want I need I insist I want

That's basically what you just wrote.

You want him to watch your show or leave the house. What's the issue with him being in another room?

You want him to follow you to bed but he mustn't follow you outside.

Do you also control mealtimes and what order you use the bblthroom in?

Honestly you sound controlling.

It's his house. He can go i it wherever he wants.

The aggression from him obviously isn't good but you'd nerd to expand on that.

Sexnotgender · 27/03/2019 09:13

Why the hell cant he watch his show in another roomConfused he has to go to a friends house if he wants to watch a show you don’t want to watch? That’s utterly bizarre and incredibly controlling.

Unless you’re going to do a massive drip feed and say the show is zombie hookers get dismembered or something like that.

Champagnebrain · 27/03/2019 09:13

It's all mad and smoking will kill you!

gamerchick · 27/03/2019 09:13

Erm you are joking right?

No OP he doesnt have to go to bed the same time as you or follow your evening rules if he never gets to watch what he wants. Telling him he has to apart from the bit you want to do alone would make the nicest person resentful. Release the stranglehold on him. He needs to start standing up to you a bit more imo.

Unless this is a reverse coz I'm struggling to believe this is seriously.

Dieu · 27/03/2019 09:13

Bizarre.

MarvinMarvinson · 27/03/2019 09:14

I think you are causing arguments over little things because you're not addressing big things. You both work but you have main responsibility for the kids. He's 'aggressive'. You need to address these and then you won't feel resentment over the entirely reasonable things he's doing.

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 09:14

On thinking, this is borderline abusive whether there's intent or not. This level of control isn't normal.

HilaryBriss · 27/03/2019 09:15

So if he wants to watch something that you don't, he has to go out to a friends house to watch it?

And if you want to go to bed at 10:00pm then he also has to - even though he may not be tired - just because you want to go to bed together?

Wow, I'm surprised you are still married tbh.

bagpiss · 27/03/2019 09:16

You sound very controlling but I can't get past the smoking thing, do you mean you're smoking inside, in your bedroom and you have kids in the house? If so, that's disgusting.

Gazelda · 27/03/2019 09:17

Is this a reverse?

Regardless, I could live like this. I enjoy spending evenings with DH and we generally watch the same tv show. We usually go to bed around the same time.

But if he, or I, want to do something differently, we'd get in and do it without any grumble or whining.

Your set up is very odd to me.

Middlrm · 27/03/2019 09:19

Hi op,
You may not have not explained everything correctly but looking at what you have written, it does suggest it’s your way or the high way.

It’s not a bad thing to have rules and boundaries but maybe he doesn’t like the programmes you do but feels he has to watch them with you? I would allow for him to watch tv in another room ( within reason not all night every night of course you still need couple time ) to allow him space and the enjoyment of a programme he likes ... the same that you would like to have 10 mins to yourself with a cigarette.

Does he have to go to bed when you want to every night? If you can’t invision going to bed alone and him joining later ( or maybe he wants to bed earlier ) would it be an option to go to bed when he wants to a couple of nights a week?

As a team work together and perhaps flex to each other’s needs a little?

I have no doubt that you look after your family very well and your dh but is it all
On your terms or do you give concessions that you don’t always 100% agree with?

As I said you probably missed some bits and I am reading into it wrong, as you are clearly giving it some soul search to come on here to ask... but honestly think about the rules and who made them and make sure your not taking over too
Much ... everyone needs room to breath and have their voice heard every now and then x x

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2019 09:20

Bagpiss I read it as she does outside for 10 minutes and he's not allowed out there. He's theoretically allowed out in his own at a time she designates

TheVanguardSix · 27/03/2019 09:22

Do you shit together as well?
OP! He’s your husband, not your conjoined twin. Give him some elbow room. Give yourself some elbow room. This is totally unhealthy. Reminds me of DH’s grandparents. One needed glasses. One didn’t but wore reading glasses to appease the other. One didn’t move across the room before the other. This isn’t a ‘team’, this is controlling behaviour.

FriarTuck · 27/03/2019 09:22

Have you considered that he may be 'aggressive' because of all the rules he has to follow?

wishingforapositiveyear · 27/03/2019 09:24

You sound suffocating , do you not get sick of each other?!

notacooldad · 27/03/2019 09:25

It sounds as mad as a bag of frogs!!

Langrish · 27/03/2019 09:26

Strange post. Whatever, seriously hope you’re not smoking in bed, whoever you’re doing/not doing it with.

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