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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/03/2019 14:55

would he help you or take on more if you asked

motherofdxughters · 27/03/2019 15:14

You're an absolute mad one, OP.

You want free time but he can't have any to watch his shows and you'd prefer him to leave his house rather than watch it in another room. Why can't he watch it with you? Oh, because you're not interested.

DH and I do many things together and usually go to bed together too but if one of us isn't tired/tired earlier, we can do what we like. You feel suffocated - imagine how he must feel!

rvby · 27/03/2019 15:14

You control everything so much that you are starting to break down.

You've made up loads of excuses as to why you control everything- but ultimately - its unreasonable in the extreme for you to be in charge of everything. Do you see that?

You control the whole house
The cooking
The kids and their schedule
You control your business which you could set up to run without you - even if not perfectly- it could run. You want to control this so much that you sacrifice time with your kids!
You control what your h does
What he watches while you're there
Where he sits
What time he goes to bed, citing v weird "but marriage!" rules that you seem to have made up.
Whether he smokes or not. The "but marriage!" rules seem not to apply to this one?

Your h could be doing more childcare, sorting kids etc. He doesn't have to do it perfectly. You could just let him do an ok job and it would be fine. Hed learn over time probably, if you gave him the chance!

What would happen if you stopped orchestrating everything? That's a serious question. What would happen if you just didnt cook, didnt go to the office, didn't whine for him to go to bed at a specific time etc?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2019 15:20

You are making your husband's life, and your own, a complete and utter misery.

Dirtybadger · 27/03/2019 15:35

Why doesn't he do anything? And why is he volunteering almost full time Confused

Men aren't wired not to be able to organise a kids diary. Look at the world. Men are doing just fine

The fag break isn't the issue. The issue is that you are always busy so when you aren't you want to have a bit of time alone and also some time with your partner (TV etc). Stop doing so much (at home) and then you can have both. And he can have both too.

baileys6904 · 27/03/2019 15:35

Are you sure you want to be married???

You have literally told a bunch of strangers he cant be trusted to look after his kids, he works but earns fuck all, he has to go to a friends to watch the TV he wants yar di yar di yar.

If this was a bloke controlling so much, people would be screaming that its abusive behaviour and that they should leave.

So you actually like him, or value him at all?

combatbarbie · 27/03/2019 15:42

Erm........ What!???

NameChangeNugget · 27/03/2019 15:46

There’s hard work and then there is this. Bloody hell Hmm

Warmhandscoldheart · 27/03/2019 15:56

If he goes out to a friend's to watch TV, does he have to be back by a certain time or do you wait up for him to go to bed together? Just curious Hmm

Gazelda · 27/03/2019 16:00

The behaviours you describe sound controlling OP.

I'd be unhappy if I were him.

BUT it sounds as though you are unhappy about the spread of workload between you two. And I think you probably have a point.

I'd be unhappy if I were you.

The fag break isn't the issue, is it? You seem resentful, he seems downtrodden. If you communicated better and exchanged your points of view, do you think you could both compromise to a point where you both felt the other was being fair and reasonable?

HappyLife21 · 27/03/2019 16:56

You find him aggressive in other ways?

And why are you doing all the childcare and housework?

Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 16:59

you know i do kinda see that - i guess i am controlling - i guess i see myself as needing to do these things when in reality nothing will change if i dont do those things.

i only work to provide for my family mostly...so i get sad that my kids go to dance camp etc the whole sch holidays, although my weekends are mostly with them (DH normally at football) and they dont stay out at gparents as we dont have that so id like to think i get quality time with them.

in terms of him looking after the kids, he makes such a big deal about what he has done you think it would be worthy of a medal then he whinges that he has had them 'all day' when its been about 3 hours!! sometimes i just think its easier for me to do myself.

and maybe its not about him going out to watch tv at all. i realise that actually im happiest when im at home by myself and the kids are asleep. actually when i see he is out for the night secretly im happy. not sure what that says.

Mumsymumphy · 27/03/2019 17:30

Still waiting for the OP to tell us she's actually a troll....

NorthEndGal · 27/03/2019 17:33

So, maybe now you will tell us, what is the worst that would happen if you let him watch tv when and where he wants?
What would be so hard about it?!

SouthernComforts · 27/03/2019 18:37

OP's disappeared.. think she was on a wind up Hmm

PerspicaciaTick · 27/03/2019 18:39

The op had a name change fail, she has been replying regularly.

category12 · 27/03/2019 18:57

OP, you'd probably be better starting all over again and actually explaining what's going on instead of the dripfeed and weirdness and passive aggressive stuff - if you communicate with your dh the way you do here, it's no wonder you're in a mess.

So far we have that you work tons more hours than your dh and are the breadwinner, and you do all or the lion's share of the housework and childcare. That's not fair. Why is it like that?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 27/03/2019 19:04

I agree, start again from the top. What exactly is going on?

SouthernComforts · 27/03/2019 20:18

PerspicaciaTick - ah, thanks, missed that as I scrolled through.

cheeseypizza · 27/03/2019 21:17

For the sake of the OPs husband; I truly hope this is fake.

Fonduefrolics · 27/03/2019 21:27

OP do you feel like you have to do everything otherwise nothing would get done? Working, cooking, childcare, housework? I bet you pay for all the children’s activities too.

If you didn’t insist on a shared bedtime would he come to bed with you? Or prefer to sit up watching crappy TV?

Does he sit and watch those TV shows while you’re slaving away cooking his tea and you feel resentful? And if he goes out then at least you don’t have to look after him? Is it like having an extra child?

You’ve hinted at bigger issues here and perhaps not put yourself across very well. My guess is you feel you have to take control of things to try and keep it all together and keep family life afloat. The cigarette thing is you just wanting a little time out but you’re feeling overwhelmed by things

cheeseypizza · 28/03/2019 00:11

Reading the this is riling me up 😂 cow of a wife

Ella1980 · 28/03/2019 00:29

I think it's healthy in a relationship to do your own thing every now and again. I love spending time with my fiance and we are together most evenings but we do things separately too. For example, he goes walking on his own as it's nothing something I enjoy, and I attend a local choir.

One thing I do not allow though are TV's in bedrooms! He didn't like that rule when he first moved in but now he's a convert iyswim 😉

happymummy12345 · 28/03/2019 00:35

I think you are selfish, how can you cope living this way? My husband works long hours. We very rarely have dinner as a family, and his hours mean be often isn't he until midnight, so we don't go to bed together.
All this watching telly in the same room is utter nonsense. There's no need to be so attached to each other.
My husband often works 15 hour days, can you imagine if I was like you?

Monty27 · 28/03/2019 00:44

Crikey.
You both sound suffocating

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