Am i making too many rules?!?

[Collins123]

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

Collins, yes I do think you are being unreasonable. Your husband should go to bed at a time that suits him not you, he should be able to watch TV in his own home without your permission.
Give and take more and you may find your OH will be better tempered himself.

I think we've finally gotten to the crux of the issue. You seem desperately unhappy in your marriage.

You, your DH and your DC have a right to a happy life. If it's not together it's no one's fault, it's just the way it is.

I disagree that the OP sounds desperately unhappy, but it's hard to get a clear picture.

I think the key is communication. Speak to your husband, OP, and listen to how he feels about the household rules. You also need to tell him your point of view about things too.

I think it is unfair that you are doing so much in the house and he is doing so little. You need to have a better balance. There is absolutely no reason he can't cook dinner, do housework, and take care of the kids. Plenty of men out there do these things.

It doesn't matter how a bunch of people on the internet feel about these things. He has told you that he isn't happy, so you need to listen to him.

The OP makes Arnold Rimmer seem laid back and reasonable.

Grow the fuck up

OP, the title of your thread is concerning enough. What on earth makes you think it’s right for you to impose “rules” on your partner? What if he were to turn it right back on you and say that you must obey his rules? Would that be ok with you?

You say you’re a “good team”, but you’re not a team at all because you’re not treating him as an equal. You’re treating him like a child. Ffs, you even impose a bedtime on the poor bloke! Again, would it be ok for him to tell you when it’s time for bed?

Harsh but true: dishing out orders for your partner to obey is controlling and abusive. Being unable to watch TV or go to bed without your partner is needy and pathetic. Sorry OP, but you will drive him away if you continue like this.

Maybe start again with what the real issues are? I couldn't follow the incoherent mess.

Do you both work full time?

You said he worked but brings in no money. What does that mean?

@silly123.....you posted this quote below which I think reveals more about your situation than your first posts (under the name Collins123). I don't think a lot of posters have seen your updates due to your name change hence you are still getting a hard time based on your first posts - I don't think you expressed your real issues/ feelings very clearly in those. It sounds like he is actually a bit of a selfish/ feckless arse and you are taking on the lions share. I wonder if you wanting to go to bed at the same time because "that's what couples do" is actually you trying to feel like a partner rather than a skivvy? Is it a cry for intimacy? I know towards the end of my relationship I preferred the nights my DP was out the house as I didnt have to face his disengagement from me but I still craved his attention. I think you need to really think about what is going on under the surface, including his aggressiveness.

"you know i do kinda see that - i guess i am controlling - i guess i see myself as needing to do these things when in reality nothing will change if i dont do those things.

i only work to provide for my family mostly...so i get sad that my kids go to dance camp etc the whole sch holidays, although my weekends are mostly with them (DH normally at football) and they dont stay out at gparents as we dont have that so id like to think i get quality time with them.

in terms of him looking after the kids, he makes such a big deal about what he has done you think it would be worthy of a medal then he whinges that he has had them 'all day' when its been about 3 hours!! sometimes i just think its easier for me to do myself. "

and maybe its not about him going out to watch tv at all. i realise that actually im happiest when im at home by myself and the kids are asleep. actually when i see he is out for the night secretly im happy. not sure what that says.

perhaps i havent explained myself well and i am clearly controlling im understanding that .

but yes its not i dont trust him to do the housework or the children - its all the moaning that comes with it - i would rather just do it myself. and if i dont do it it wont get done - largely he has two jobs in the house - one of them is taking the bins out but they are mostly overflowing until i either nag at him or do it myself and if i ask him to do it he basically shouts at me. i mean if he goes away he would leave the bag that he used to go away with outside our bedroom door for weeks if i didnt move it (but i kinda thought that was just a man thing!) men are from mars and all that..

i go out at least one night a week with friends, when i go out he still asks me whats for his dinner - i still prepare it for him or have arranged something for him to just put in the oven

he sits and watches plenty of tv whilst im putting away the washing or whatever he conveniently comes up to help as im doing the last sock normally!

so whilst i said he cant go into another room to watch tv i mean it as i want the time alone to not have to cook his dinner if we arent even watching tv together

i might add i wouldnt mind if he went out 5 nights a week, its not about needing him - i work long hours and i dont talk to him all day so when i do see him from 7-10pm its nice to want to sit and talk together - although he is basically on his phone the whole itme anyway.

i dont think im particularly happy with my life i have a super stressful job and not sure if that makes me more controlling?

im not looking for sympathy or to blame anyone im just looking for advice from other people thank you for your time

i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep

Control aside, just on a practical level wouldn't it be better if he watched TV in another room, leaving you to sleep in peace if you are so tired?

If you need to be firm in your job, it can be hard to drop the persona when you get home, but if you're aware of the issue then that's already a big first step towards solving that problem.

Are you saying that you want more of his attention? That you just feel like a housekeeper? Is that why you want him to come to bed and not to go in another room to watch TV - because him sitting in another room just emphasises how he is not interested in you?

Are you able to communicate this to your DH?

I think you have so many marriage problems you are holding onto the idea that going to bed at the same time makes everything ok

He is lazy and doesnt do anything, you dont mind if he goes out. You have marriage issues. This bit of control is your way of trying to prove that you dont

all i really want was 10 minutes to have a fag by myself outside - i feel quite suffocated in my own time

This is exactly how your dh feels when you insist on doing things together all the time. Only his is multiplied because you are happy with everything except the smoking. He is unhappy with everything except the smoking.

You can't have one rule for him and another rule for you.

You are suffocating him.

Sorry I was just reading mainly the ops highlighted threads. Missed the name change. I did wonder how I'd missed a few bits that people were talking about.

There is obviously a lot more to this story. You need to sort out the other issues op. Controlling him tightly won't be enough.

Off topic but

downcasteyes

I don't think you sound that compatible. You just seem to like totally different things. A partner should be a soulmate, someone who is 95% in sync with you in terms of how they like to spend time/money, what they like to listen to and watch, what they love to eat and how they like to be in the world.

My dp and I wouldn't pass your compatibility test. Yes, we have similar fundamental values but we are definitely not in sync with the rest of your post.

I think 95% is too high a figure mememe - if I had those expectations, living in a foreign country with a different culture I'd be doomed to spend the rest of my life as a cat lady.

Exactly raven.
My dh and I are more like Jack Spratt and his wife.

Confusing weird post. You say you feel suffocated and want to smoke alone but you equally won’t ‘let him’ watch tv in a different room . So strange.

It sounds tough and he sounds useless. If you had put that as your OP then you would have got very different answers.

Why not start a new thread in Relationships and explain what is going on.

You've got a 2&5 year old, you work from 6.30am to 7pm then do all children, house work etc... and you're worrying about 10 mins for a fag?

You've got MUCH bigger issues in this relationship!

Op, if he does nothing but make your life harder, expects all the care and attention to go one way (his) and doesn't even support the family financially, what's the point of him? Why are you with him? What's he bringing to the party? It sounds like your life would actually be easier as a single parent.

Does he actually work and bring in any money?

@Silly12358

Your last post gives a completely different picture to your first post.
Maybe it's time you both sat down together and reconsidered your roles in the house.
It's not fair that you do everything and he does sod all, he has got into the habit of expecting you to do everything, and you do, the result of that is you resent him and that's manifesting itself in silly little rules which are unreasonable.

The bigger problem is he is lazy, selfish and obviously takes you for granted.

yes he is a bit lazy so i find myself almost forced into the controlling responsible adult mode

when my first was born (i was still working full time) he was out the house 8-7pm so i naturally fell into the role of being responsible planning parent. i was breastfeeding so he slept with earplugs 6 nights a week - and i would express enough in the week for him to do a night and i could sleep - he still sleeps with earplugs in 6 nights a week. if i challenge him on it he says i can too - but we have two small children and i believe that one of us needs to be able to hear them should they need us -

he is very intelligent and probably more than capable of doing most things but since he never listens to anything he doesnt do the task at hand at all or moans about it so much its just not worth him doing it anyway. he is on his phone. always.

he has started to do a few more things like put away the kids milk bottles in the morning !! but its still my mental mind that has to think about when the washing needs to go in, do the food shops, make all weekend arrangements etc

im not sure if my wanting to go to bed together is to help us or me feel like part of the same team.

in the evening i really dont expect him to be joined at the hip with me , im not really sure where the idea was borne that i wanted him out the house to watch his tv just sometimes he annoys me and i want him out my way!

@Silly1235
Glad you posted more and explained more context.

He has you over a barrel tbh. My ex was like this... he made life so miserable if I asked for his support, that I just took everything on. It's really hard, that kind of situation.

You are probably sleep deprived and exhausted which makes you a bit muddled, hence asking for strange things like him leaving house, the smoking thing etc. Its so easy to get things out of proportion when you're chronically exhausted.

Can you get some space. Are you in touch with parents? Is there anyone in your life who takes care of you I have a sense there is no one.