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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:
froufroufoxes · 27/03/2019 12:21

Marriage is wanting your partner to be happy and supported. Not wanting them to sit by your side when instructed like a pet.

Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 13:21

clearly im mental as i didnt really think of it all as so controlling - im still not entirely sure i understand. i guess the whole watching tv in another room is as much that im the one that makes dinner so its like you get home from work sit in a nother room watching diff tv but still expect me to make dinner when you want it - so id rather he go out! but he does also watch a lot of his tv when im in the house but doing the cooking cleaning or sorting for the kids. so i didnt think of it as so controlling. obviously it is. otherwise you wouldnt all overwhemingly say so. i guess i have a lot of work to do on myself . thank you

DogHairEverywhere · 27/03/2019 13:28

I don't know if it's just way you're posting, or whether you really don't understand what people are getting at.
It would be considered controlling if you dictated where /if he could watch tv in his own house, if it was a case of you both having some leisure time and you were dictating how he spends his.
You are now saying that you're pissed off that he watches tv while you do all the jobs around the house, and seems to demand that you cook for him to his timetable, which is a completely different problem. Perhaps you need to discuss with him that you would like to share the chores, so that you both get leisure time, that you could both choose how to spend, sometimes together and sometimes apart.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 13:31

Ok you've had a name change fail.

But can you really not see it? It's all about what you want, his desires are totally irrelevant to you. What you wish and think is of primary importance.

If you don't want to make his dinner don't. But I think not making his dinner as way of punishing him for wishing to watch a tv program in his own home is beyond controlling.

And I strongly suspect in this instance the reason you make dinner and deal with thr house is because that's exactly what you wish to do. It's another way for you to be in control. And to exert control.

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 13:36

like you get home from work sit in a nother room watching diff tv but still expect me to make dinner when you want it - so id rather he go out!

Oh stop being a bloody martyr. If you're so arsed about making meals then make that part more fair ie get him to cook sometjmes, but don't think you have to be tied at the hip as some sort of strange payment for cooking a meal.

'Sit with me and watch tv or sod off out of your own house' is what you're saying

I'm severely beginning to expect your a narc and I really really for your kids sake hope you don't develop this sort of strange demanding needy attitude with them too.

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 13:36

Suspect

Isohungy · 27/03/2019 13:38

This is absolutley batshit OP... I don't even know what to say!

DoctorDread · 27/03/2019 13:39

For gods sake stop with the 'oh I must be mental' nonsense. No you're not, but you clearly need to have a conversation with your H about fair division of labour but instead of acknowledging that you just come across as really passive aggressive

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 13:43

I think you're using the he expects me too as an excuse because of the responses on here. It's a fairly typical drip feed to get people on your side, to then paint the other person as the issue.

Quite frankly telling him when he is to go to bed, when he is allowed to smoke, when and where he can watch tv, is mental. Yes.

Do you even understand where you got these ideas of that controlling your partner in this way was the route to a happy marriage?

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 13:44

If he doesnt want to watch TV with you he has to watch it at a friends rather than 8n another room in his own home.

And when you want to go to bed, he has to give you 10 mins to have a cig and give you space.....but then must come to bed when you do?

Sounds like you have rules. He isnt allowed to change anything and must abide by them. Until you change your mind....then he has to advise by your new rule.

Spottyowl · 27/03/2019 13:47

If you work 6:30am to 7pm and your husband doesn't help with the children at all does that mean they are in childcare for pretty much their entire waking day?

BumbleBeee69 · 27/03/2019 13:50

OMG your poor Husband.. imagine if this were posted the other way around a a guy had posted this Hmm

BlackCatSleeping · 27/03/2019 13:50

Are you ever wrong, OP? Just you sound like the sort of person who never feels they are wrong.

Your husband is an adult and partner. He needs to help more at home and with the kids, and he needs the freedom to watch what he wants on TV and to go to bed when he feels like it.

babysharkah · 27/03/2019 13:52

You sound like EXCEPTIONALLY hard work.

multiplemum3 · 27/03/2019 13:52

He has to leave the house to watch telly? What?

Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 13:55

clearly im the issue not looking to get reactions or people on myside (that wont really benefiit anyone!!) i just think thats how i understand it my side or how i rationalise it
and yes my kids are in childcare basically all day (one is at school breakfast clubs and after school clubs) i wish they werent and i wish i didnt have to work so much but its the way it is

Biancadelrioisback · 27/03/2019 13:56

You telling him he can't leave the room / must go to a friend's house / come to bed with you is controlling and pathetic.
Him expecting you to do the cooking / house work / parenting / earning all the money is lazy, pathetic and controlling.

You're both being unreasonable. Hugely. Balance all that ^^ out and you'll be happier.

ravenmum · 27/03/2019 14:00

I don't know if it's just way you're posting, or whether you really don't understand what people are getting at.
I'd say it's either all made up or the OP has been brought up to use straw man arguments, and is acting as if we are saying something stupid to avoid dealing with the point we are actually making, as she doesn't like it.

All pretty pointless whatever.

BlackCatSleeping · 27/03/2019 14:04

But why does it have to be like that? Why is he working when he isn't earning any money? Why can't he look after the kids and you can save on childcare expenses?

Does he not want to take care of his kids? Can he not be trusted with them? Do you feel uncomfortable with the idea of him doing it?

What is going on here?

BambooB · 27/03/2019 14:04

You are controlling as fuck

NorthEndGal · 27/03/2019 14:08

What would happen if you just let him watch what he wants, where he wants, when he wants?
What would be the worst outcome, and can you face it

Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 14:11

i might add he doesn't expect me to earn the money - he just isnt at the moment but he is trying

Angelinthenightx · 27/03/2019 14:19

Just go with the flow ,no more rules will make your relationship better.

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 14:42

Him expecting you to do the cooking / house work / parenting / earning all the money is lazy, pathetic and controlling.

To be fair its OP that claims mums are wired differently I wonder if he does expect it . Or if it's just easier to let her control that too

sar302 · 27/03/2019 14:53

But if he's off watching tv by himself, don't you have a break then? I can understand wanting to relax quietly before bed, but surely you get to do that is when he's elsewhere?