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Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/03/2019 10:47

Sounds really like you are bored stiff...where is the passion?Wheres the spontinaity? Wheres the fun in your marriage? Chuck the bloody rule book out of the window and just be...and turn the bloody telly off..go out do something together,,,sounds like you need to get back to you and him ,,before parenthood,where you just enjoyed each other....we are mum and dad and highly responsible but the times we arent are the best!Grab your man go out..go for a weekend away..break out of routine and just have fun....go dancing and dont come in til 2 am..go too the cinema and eat chips out of a bag..go for a drive n watch the sun come up anything ..its routine and boredom that will blow your marriage....

adaline · 27/03/2019 10:47

Why do you think you have the right to control his every move like that?

VimFuego101 · 27/03/2019 10:50

Bloody hell OP, you need to unclench.

SouthernComforts · 27/03/2019 10:52

What everyone else said ^

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 10:52

There's nothing bloody wrong with you wanting ten minutes for yourself stop focusing on that! Jesus.

kingfisherblue33 · 27/03/2019 10:56

i work 6.30am-7pm i am responsible for the house the kids etc so maybe im not looking at things right anymore - i just didnt think it was healthy to not go to bed together as a married couple but maybe ive got it all wrong.

Why don't you arrange things so your h does more around the house and with the dc? Why are they all your responsibility?

And re the evening - you are being controlling. Each person in a relationship should be able to do what they want and watch whatever tv they want. You're not joined at the hip and it's fine to go to bed at different times.

downcasteyes · 27/03/2019 10:56

I don't think you sound that compatible. You just seem to like totally different things. A partner should be a soulmate, someone who is 95% in sync with you in terms of how they like to spend time/money, what they like to listen to and watch, what they love to eat and how they like to be in the world. And also someone who can communicate over the 5% where you don't agree in a way that's loving and caring. The whole thing should run on well-oiled wheels, not feel like a friction-filled madhouse. Without that, it's not really a first rate relationship to be honest.

Cherylshaw · 27/03/2019 11:01

@downcasteyes
Have you never heard of opposites attract?

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 11:02

downcasteyes that all sounds a bit Nicolas Sparks

SandyY2K · 27/03/2019 11:03

I agree with him. Too many rules and its stifling. Couples can go to bed when they want.

You're not joined at the hip. It's too controlling.

If my DH tried this, I'd tell him I can do what I like and go to bed when I like...as my childhood is long gone.

Was your mum controlling like this?

whataremyoption · 27/03/2019 11:08

The bedtime/TV thing sounds a bit weird. Wanting to smoke alone is fine, you're entitled to 10 minutes alone. But perhaps if he was watching a show or two in the other room, you would get the alone time you need? It's worrying that you've said he's aggressive. Do you mean physically/towards you?

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 27/03/2019 11:16

Just so I understand, you told your partner he should leave the house to watch a tv show you don't like, rather than doing so in a different room to you in his own home?

If so, fucking hell. You must see how controlling and unreasonable this is? I

He's watching a tv show, not shagging someone in the other room - I cannot imagine living with someone who thought they could treat me like that.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 27/03/2019 11:20

I've read your post again and thought it must be a reverse. But then you cane back focusing on your 10 minute fag and not everyone telling you how utterly entitled you sound. Adults don't "allow" each other to do things, they talk about expectations and boundaries and compromise. You know, like grown ups.

How would you feel if your kids married someone who told them they couldn't watch a tv show in a different room in their own home? Honestly - would you think they were in a healthy loving relationship?

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2019 11:25

If Silly1235 is the OP (and she appears to be) there is a lot going on in your marriage but I get the sense you do everything because you dont trust him to do anything with the kids or the house

That is no way to live

Snappedandfarted2019 · 27/03/2019 11:26

Crazy me and my dh have separate rooms where we watch tv and go to bed separate times, I’m suprised he hasn’t left tbh

bagpiss · 27/03/2019 11:29

Right, ok re the smoking outside, there's nothing wrong per se with wanting a quiet fag, but you seriously need to lighten up on the other issues op. Dictating when and where someone can do normal everyday stuff in their own home is well out of order.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/03/2019 11:30

It sounds like you prefer being in control and have a very ordered approach to life, you have to be in work all hours, you have to organise the children, you have to structure your time at home. It sounds like you don't trust other people very much. I'm not surprised you need 10mins of headspace at the end of the day...something is going to break if you can't let go of the control and let other people step up.

DoctorDread · 27/03/2019 11:31

Sounds like your need to control manifests in several areas of your life, masquerading as a narrative that puts you in the role of long suffering wife and mother married to a useless man who can't possibly be trusted to do anything to your standards.

If you never give him the chance to do anything and play the martyr then you create a self fulfilling prophecy. And bollocks to men not being wired 'like mums'. What a ridiculously stereotypical statement designed to fuel your need to have everything your way.
Of course you're entitled to 10 minutes to yourself but stop martyring yourself and talk about sharing the load a bit more.

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 11:34

@Collins123

OP everyone needs a bit of there own space.

i feel quite suffocated in my own time
This ^^ your 10mins in the garden smoking is yours.

Him watching a different TV programme in a different room in his own home, and going to bed at a different time to you, is his.

Whose idea to do all the childcare even though you have such a full on working day?
im responsible for the DC as i think men are just not wired like mums and he would never remember to book all the camps, school clubs etc and im the one paying for them its easier for me to do.
(it sounds like yours).

What do you mean he works 10-5 but doesn't earn any money? Do you mean that literally or just that his income is less than yours?

You do sound dismissive.
i leave the house and go to work and he has his own time to sit in peace with his breakfast or whatever
and

he would never remember to book all the camps, school clubs etc and im the one paying for them its easier for me to do.

Why are you unable to trust him with some of the childcare, given his hours are shorter than yours? Is he really incapable or is this something you actively prefer to control?

The two of you need to operate more as a team with more equal input and responsibility in how you run your lives. He needs to step up and, if he really doesn't know what he should be doing help him and then you need to step back and let him get on with it.

Perhaps it's time for the two of you to sit down together and have a calm and open discussion about your different roles and expectations in this relationship and see if you could work towards a more positive and mutually acceptable outcome. Otherwise there will always be this friction between you.

madcatladyforever · 27/03/2019 11:37

Micromanagement of everything in your life.

Either you will have a massive breakdown or he will erupt one day, leave and never come back.

FlagranceDirect · 27/03/2019 11:41

i just didnt think it was healthy to not go to bed together as a married couple but maybe ive got it all wrong

You have. I don't know any married couple who even consider the issue at all. It might happen that they both decide at the same time that they're tired enough for bed - but normally I think people, married or not, decide for themselves when it's time for bed. It's not a sign of an unhealthy marriage. Feeling like you both 'have' to go to bed at the same time for fear of upsetting some universal rule is a bit unusual.

In a typical evening, dh and I will watch a couple of things that interest us both (we rarely watch live tv). Then he generally has a catch up on direly uninteresting ( to me) Nordic noir stuff - so I go off and potter around in the kitchen and listen to radio 4/5 whichever has something interesting. I'm quite happy to do this. It's my peaceful part of the day. Then he'll either tell me he's off to bed as he has to be up earlier than usual, or I'll call through to him that I'm off to bed. Sometimes this happens within a 5 minute timeframe, but more often doesn't. Neither of us even think about whether we're allowed to go to bed, or if the other is going to be somehow offended.
And thank goodness for that!

theworldistoosmall · 27/03/2019 11:44

I couldn't be in a relationship where the other person wouldn't give me autonomy about what I watch, where I watch, when I sleep and smoke. I would find it too controlling. It would cause arguments because I would feel like I was treated like a child and this would lead to childish behaviour on my part and he would tell others when I acted out that I was aggressive. I possibly was because I was frustrated at the situation. Even having a regular conversation would lead to heated arguments on my part because he couldn't/wouldn't understand how stifling everything was.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 11:45

But it's not just demanding going to bed at the same time, it's demanding he can't even go and watch his tv program in another room, you're even dictating to him to leave and watch with friends, I mean seriously, how can you even think that's healthy or,,,well, acceptable behaviour,

He's a grown adult, it's his home too, he needs to be able to do as he pleases, not live under some weird set of rules that he has to abide by like a reclaritant teenager.

ButtMuncher · 27/03/2019 11:56

Nothing so weird as folk I suppose.

Shefliesonherownwings · 27/03/2019 11:59

Wow, not only is that massively controlling, it's also hugely confusing for your DH. On the one hand you're saying you must be together in the evenings, watch the same things, go to bed together and then you're saying he can't go for a smoke with you.

There's nothing wrong with wanting time on your own for 10 minutes but you must see how you're giving out mixed messages. Not to mention the dictating about him having to go out to watch a TV programme. What gives you the right to tell him to leave his own home just because you don't want to watch something. You need to ease off the control or you're going to lose him. I'm surprised he hasn't left you already.