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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:
Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 09:56

oh i dont know anymore - i mean he watches plenty of tv whilst i sit next to him watching something on my tablet or im doing the washing, making dinner etc. so its not like we do everything together at all....he is perfectly entiteld to go to football, out with his mates etc without checking in - its more i just thought when we are together in the house its nice to be togehter to do things

i leave the house and go to work and he has his own time to sit in peace with his breakfast or whatever so i just kinda viewed having a fag by myself in the same way. but perhaps im not looking at it right at all. the consensus here is that im mad and i probably am.

CKCSQ · 27/03/2019 09:57

All the rules and togetherness aside - how come you work full time and are responsible for the kids and for the house?? What hours does he work and what’s he doing for the kids and the house?

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 27/03/2019 09:57

Yeah, my psycho klaxon is sounding. You are controlling to a degree that is abusive. Stop it.

Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 10:08

i dont know its the way its worked out - actually whilst he is working at the moment roughly 10-5pm he isnt actually earning any money, i run a business that i have staff who work for me but (in my controlling way) i find it runs better when i am in the office, and im responsible for the DC as i think men are just not wired like mums and he would never remember to book all the camps, school clubs etc and im the one paying for them its easier for me to do.
i feel like i never stop (not trying to be a victim because i dont think i am ) but didtn realise wanting to be in the garden by myself without him there aws such a selfish controlling way to be, thank you for opening my eyes

QueenEhlana · 27/03/2019 10:13

didtn realise wanting to be in the garden by myself without him there aws such a selfish controlling way to be, thank you for opening my eyes

Well that's an odd thing to take from this thread. Everyone's been saying it's the REST of it that's unreasonable, not the 10 minutes to yourself!

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 10:14

She's just trying to feel victimised. It's emotional manipulation. God knows what she's like with her DP

adulthumanwolf · 27/03/2019 10:15

but didnt realise wanting to be in the garden by myself without him there aws such a selfish controlling way to be

But that's not the part anyone is talking about OP. It's fine for you to have a fag in the garden on your own.

You're glossing over the fact that you want it both ways - you want YOU to be able to do what you want, but you also want HIM to do what YOU want. You then wont let him do what he wants - watch something on TV in another room. It's all about what YOU want.

ravenmum · 27/03/2019 10:15

You are oversimplifying things, presumably to support your argument.

Sometimes not going to bed together can be a sign of an unhealthy marriage, yes - for example, if you have always gone to bed at about 11 pm, but suddenly your partner doesn't come to bed with you and instead stays up til midnight for no apparent reason, every night, making you feel as if he is avoiding sleeping with you.

But if your partner has a perfectly understandable reason not to want to go to bed with you (e.g. you suddenly want to go to bed at 10 and he's not tired), then fair enough.

Now you have a choice - you can keep on oversimplifying things, to prove that you are Right and he is Wrong. (Now that would be unhealthy for a married couple.) Or you can wind down the tension a bit, admit that things are not quite as simple as "Together good, apart bad", and leave your husband to decide whether he fancies hopping into bed with you or not.

You are clearly also fed up of this suffocatingly close relationship if you are desperate for 10 minutes alone.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2019 10:18

all i really want was 10 minutes to have a fag by myself outside - i feel quite suffocated in my own time

So go to bed on your own, let him watch telly wherever he goddamn pleases. Stop trying to control where he's allowed to be and when.

DH and I go to bed together generally, but if I'm tired and go up early, he comes when he's tired. If I'm working and he goes up early I go when I'm ready. Most of the rest of the time we go up together.

There aren't rules and procedures

DaphneduWarrior · 27/03/2019 10:21

“...im responsible for the DC as i think men are just not wired like mums and he would never remember to book all the camps, school clubs etc.”

Have you even ‘let’ him try to be involved with his own kids??

Silly1235 · 27/03/2019 10:21

im really not trying to feel victimised, i genuniely didnt understand that saying i want a fag bymyself and us to go to bed together was such a big deal - i can see the tv thing now and i should be more relaxed about it - i really didnt see it as being so controlling and selfish. (as he does watch plenty of what he wants in the house whilst im doing other things).. im not happy in my life so perhaps its more about that.

purplepears · 27/03/2019 10:22

My friend acted exactly this way with her DH. They carried on for 16 years. They looked like a happy couple. Almost to be envied.
But it was a very organized, planned, rule driven lifestyle.
He wanted to make her happy I think, she wanted him to follow her plan and therefore that made her happy.
One night out of the total blue at a friends house when she was telling him they had to leave he exploded. Said he hated her, her rules, her control.
And refused to go home with her.
He never did go back except to collect his stuff.
Divorced now, he's remarried to a lovely easygoing lady. She's alone still but dating.

QueenEhlana · 27/03/2019 10:23

i really didnt see it as being so controlling and selfish if HE doesn't want to do it, and you do, and you make him do it, then it's controlling and selfish. THAT'S the bit everyone is trying to make you see. You BOTH get a say in what works for you.

Callistone · 27/03/2019 10:25

Too. Many. Rules.

Seriously. You watch what you want, and he can watch what he wants. You go to bed when you want to, he goes to bed when he wants to.

Unless you're completely ignoring each other 100% of the time, why on earth wouldn't you have separate interests? Confused

And don't get me started on the fact you would rather he went to a friends house to watch that TV show.

DogHairEverywhere · 27/03/2019 10:25

This does read like a reverse, but assuming it's not, then i think you do seem to have double standards going on here. You want 10 mins outside, by yourself - perfectly fine. But you won't allow him to watch tv in a different room, or go to bed at a different time to you? Can you see that your rules don't allow him any time to himself?
I don't think just because you're married you have to go to bed at the same time every night. Of course, you have to find time to be intimate, but that doesn't have to happen by applying strict bedtime rules.

madcatladyforever · 27/03/2019 10:25

This is insane. You need to learn to chill out.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/03/2019 10:29

OP I just wanted to say we have been married exactly as long as you..Thing is we are total polar opposites.My dh is a complete night owl and I really am not! Thing is my dh works shifts and his down time and the days off between swapping shifts run totally weird to my routine with the kids.The time we have together is limited but we try to make the most of it together...but I cannot abide the motoring.war,auction kind of crap he loves but I love him and he has as much right as i do to watch what he likes.I go to bed when I am knackerd ...he can stay up if he is on night mode til the sun comes up..and its all fine.We dont think any less of each other...we are secure and having our own space is really helpful to both of us...all you need is honesty,respect and understanding that you are both individuals free to choose....forgot where I was going with this...!!!!

BlackCatSleeping · 27/03/2019 10:30

But you are also controlling about him being with the kids too.

cheeseypizza · 27/03/2019 10:30

Wow! Soo weird! You are so controlling.

Hotpinkangel19 · 27/03/2019 10:33

You actually sound like a nightmare! Your poor DH!

ravenmum · 27/03/2019 10:34

Stop pretending that we are saying you shouldn't have a fag by yourself, OP. It's not making you sound any more reasonable.

Joebloggswazere · 27/03/2019 10:38

Now there’s a name swap to contend with!

Cherylshaw · 27/03/2019 10:39

What the hell TV show do you not want him watching in the house!?
Is it not also his house?
You sound really controling and a bit unhinged, you demand he spends all evening with you but when you want a break he should be ok with it? He's probably just saying that to show you how unreasonable you are

CKCSQ · 27/03/2019 10:40

Perhaps you need to look at why you’re doing everything for the house and the kids? You do sound very controlling and you say you’re not happy with your life. How about letting your DH step up and shoulder some of the burden? Stop controllingtv watxhing and bed time and smoke breaks and think about why he gets to watch tv while you make dinner. And why you work full time and earn the cash while he works 10-5 earning nothing. Wouldn’t it be better if he pulled his weight in some way, he might feel better for that, less like a spare part who just does as he’s told.

Also you’ve changed name half way through, it helps if you don’t as your posts as OP are no longer highlighted.

anniehm · 27/03/2019 10:41

That's a very strange way to live! Everyone has different tastes in tv, different hobbies, different sleep schedules. Rather than have ridiculous daily routines, have set times a week you do stuff you genuinely both enjoy together eg film night, a particular programme etc. You are building resentment by being over prescriptive