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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:

Silly1235 · 28/03/2019 16:24

i am totally exhausted ive had literally 9 days off work in 10 years - that includes two children and no mat leave still doesnt make excuse of why i have gone a bit potty with these nonesense rules. i think thats what i feel i have no space im either working , house working or looking after the children because i feel he doesnt bring a great deal to my evening i am happy when he is out the house .

my husband would be devastated that i find him so useless and if i try to talk to him i think im a little scared of him as he can be quite shouty and aggressive. i know he desperately wants his work thing to go well as he feels responsible that i work so hard and am a little trapped as its the only income we currently have (and have had for the last 18months)

Quartz2208 · 28/03/2019 16:49

OP this is no way to live something needs to give in this relationship otherwise you will

How can he be devasted he clearly knows he is rubbish

and hold on he expects YOU to cook HIS dinner - why doesnt he

Clutterbugsmum · 28/03/2019 17:21

Silly12358

I suspect your husband doesn't do anything at home is because all you do is MOAN that he hasn't done it right.

You have created a home where your demands, your rules are to be obeyed. And now you have a house, I won't say home because there is nothing about what have written that makes this a home which is a happy place to be.

You need to get some counselling so can stop this behaviour before you drive everyone away from you.

BlueSaphire · 28/03/2019 17:33

It takes two to make a marriage work, it's unfair to put all the blame on the wife when her OH does sod all to help her run the home. She has a full time job and two small children to care for, she doesn't need a third.

I agree that maybe some sort of counselling could help, make him see being a husband and father comes with a lot more give and take and responsibility.

rvby · 28/03/2019 18:24

if i try to talk to him i think im a little scared of him as he can be quite shouty and aggressive.

Oh love.
Is there anyone that would/could take you and the kids in for 2-3 nights?

category12 · 28/03/2019 18:57

OP, have you thought about ending the relationship? It sounds an awful situation and it really does sound like he's nothing but a crushing angry burden.

Dirtybadger · 28/03/2019 19:57

Your DH sounds like a lazy twat to he honest if what you're saying is true.

He cant take a bin out without being reminded and moans about looking after his own children.

Your own infantalisation of men and sexism has reinforced his attitude towards you and his role. I don't know if or how difficult it would be to reserve what has presumably been reinforced for many years (Or his whole life).

He works but doesn't earn anything (still don't understand this?)
Doesn't do any housework
Doesn't do any fieldwork
You work 7 days a week

Why would you want to spend time with someone happy to watch you run fucking ragged? He will have to sort it out when you have a break down.

But to be honest even if he was helping in the house you can't go on working 7 days a week (9 days off on 10 years means you get one day off a year?). You need to sort that out. You don't need to do that to run a successful company and he can't really be blamed by that choice.

cheeseypizza · 28/03/2019 19:59

@Clutterbugsmum couldn't agree more. The OP has changed her tune when she got unsavoury replies about her. No wonder her poor husband can't be arsed with a controlling spouse like her.

cheeseypizza · 28/03/2019 20:06

Hoping this is a reverse.

Dirtybadger · 28/03/2019 20:14

So many typos! Reverse not reserve. And childcare not fieldwork!!

HeavyLocks · 28/03/2019 20:39

And sometimes I got to bed at 8pm just to get a bit of peace and read my kindle. Sometimes he stays up until midnight watching a film

I do this every night

Debsdp · 28/03/2019 20:59

I have a pretty good idea what my husband would say if I asked him to watch tv at a friend's house. He would, quite rightly tell me to stop being so ridiculous. He watches a lot more tv than I do, but it usually doesn't bother me and I spend that time doing something else- reading, gardening, pampering etc. Give him a break before he decides that he doesn't feel welcome in his own home. If the division of household/childcare is bothering you, don't let it fester, do what most people do, and talk about it. If he made you leave the house in order to watch something he doesn't like, presume you wouldn't be too happy with that so imagine how it makes him feel.

Aria999 · 28/03/2019 21:35

@Silly1235

Do you actually like being married to him...?

weleasewoderick22 · 29/03/2019 09:22

only work to provide for my family mostly...so i get sad that my kids go to dance camp etc the whole sch holidays, although my weekends are mostly with them (DH normally at football) and they dont stay out at gparents as we dont have that so id like to think i get quality time with them.

I find this concerning. The ds are in childcare from early in the morning till late in the evening and at a dance camp the whole school holidays? Do you or dh ever see them?

It sounds like you need to look at your work/life balance, then maybe you won't feel the need to be so controlling.

youknowmedontyou · 29/03/2019 11:54

One question, why? What's your job that you cannot take leave? Are you self employed? Don't get paid leave? Why?

youknowmedontyou · 29/03/2019 11:55

Also based on you previous post how did you successfully breast feed if you didn't have mat leave or any time off?

Jessgalinda · 29/03/2019 12:35

OP why so few days off despite giving birth, if it's only been you income for 18 months.

I suspect you have a larger role to play in this.

5LeafClover · 29/03/2019 12:52

Your OP starts with on the whole I would say we are a good team. Can you talk more about what the good team bits look like, because they are not clear from anything else that you've written.

lovemylkids43 · 29/03/2019 12:58

Pathetic ... how does your relationship work or is he just henpecked !!!

Does he just agree for an easy life ...

Poor guy

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