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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i making too many rules?!?

194 replies

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:06

Sorry for the longness....So a little background, i have been with DH married for 8 years and together for 11 years.

We have always gone to bed together, eaten together and watched tv together of an evening - on the whole i would say we are a really good team.

However, more recently (i work full time and am mostly responsible for our two children 5 &2) he likes to watch a bunch of tv that im not interested in - he wants to go and watch this in another tv room which i dont want him to do - i would rather he go out and watch with his friends this one show and not in another room in our house.

Fast forward to i am feeling more tired and run down and want to go to bed around 10pm, im happy for him to come and watch tv in bed whilst i sleep. this has been happening for the last few months and mostly he has been coming to bed with me.

However, i now want to have a smoke before bed, by myself for ten minutes and i dont want to share that with him, i am happy for him equally to go out to the garden and have a quick fag but apparently im totally selfish that i wont share a fag with him but expect us to share going to bed together.

He told me that im unreasonable and that there are too many rules and he feels restricted - i mean arent i just asking to go to bed together?

I might add he is going through a hard time at work at the moment, and i find him quite aggressive in a lot of other areas.

I dont know what to do - i dont think i am forcing too many rules but this is also how i view a marriage i beleive we should go to bed together and mostly be together of an evening if we are both in?

Please help!

OP posts:

Happyspud · 27/03/2019 09:27

Gosh Mumsnet give you a view into peoples lives sometimes and it’s very surprising how some people live.

I think you would both benefit from making decisions about your free time yourselves and not demanding each other falls into line with the other.

Langrish · 27/03/2019 09:29

Oh, I correct myself, you’re smoking in the garden, ok.
Just that he’s not allowed out there to smoke at the same time .........

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 09:30

Oh my, you know he's a full grown adult and not a child don't uou? Telling him where to watch tv, when, when to smoke, when to go to bed. I really don't know how he lives like that, I really don't.

whitesoxx · 27/03/2019 09:30

notapizzaeater · 27/03/2019 09:30

I hate football but I don't send my hubby out to watch it. If it's on it's on I'm an adult so can leave the room if I wanted to. He doesn't particulate like real housewives but I do he watches it with me as we are a couple and it's give and take, equally either of us can go and do other stuff as that's what adults do

Bookworm4 · 27/03/2019 09:33

What have I just read? OP this is nuts!! He's to leave the house to watch a different tv show when you have other TVs in the house? I'm surprised he's not left you and your craziness.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/03/2019 09:33

Of course you're not making too many rules OP. You need at least another 15. What leg does he put into his trousers first?

Original poster

Collins123 · 27/03/2019 09:34

maybe im the mad one then - all i really want was 10 minutes to have a fag by myself outside - i feel quite suffocated in my own time, i work 6.30am-7pm i am responsible for the house the kids etc so maybe im not looking at things right anymore - i just didnt think it was healthy to not go to bed together as a married couple but maybe ive got it all wrong.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2019 09:35

All very odd. My dp goes to bed early, I go a couple of hours late. He watches TV upstairs, I watch something different downstairs (or vice versa). And we're very happy together, just not joined at the hip. Are you his mummy, maybe?

adulthumanwolf · 27/03/2019 09:36

YABU! Why can't he sometimes watch what he wants in another room? Why do you care? It's his home too.

If DP told me I couldn't watch something I wanted in our home I'd tell him to jog on. Sometimes he watched rugby which I don't like, so i'll go read upstairs. Sometimes I watch old Buffy DVDs which he hates, so he'll go on his computer in another room. Sometimes we will watch something together.

Are you generally quite bossy/controlling?

LorelaiRoryEmily · 27/03/2019 09:37

Wow some people are weird!

adulthumanwolf · 27/03/2019 09:38

And sometimes I got to bed at 8pm just to get a bit of peace and read my kindle. Sometimes he stays up until midnight watching a film. Sometimes we go to bed together at 10.30.

Who cares? Why do you have to be so strict about it?

gamerchick · 27/03/2019 09:40

i just didnt think it was healthy to not go to bed together as a married couple but maybe ive got it all wrong

Yes, my husband generally goes to bed around 8.30 -9 if he doesn't fall asleep in the chair first because he's up at 4am. Should I go up with him at that time... To my own seperate bedroom? We're very happy together.

The world won't come crashing down if we follow our own body clocks as long as people are respectful of each other and not wake the other up.

Bookworm01 · 27/03/2019 09:41

@Collins123 I work shifts so it's very rare dh and I go to bed together, indeed to have an evening meal and watch TV together is a treat. I like it that way, because I appreciate him much more.

Also, it's healthy to have your own interests. Whilst dh watches football, I stream TV on my tablet. He likes going to the pub and football matches, I like going to museums and art galleries.

If you are joined at the hip like this, one if you is going to go mad and explode at some point.

Prequelle · 27/03/2019 09:43

maybe im the mad one then - all i really want was 10 minutes to have a fag by myself outside

And that's fine. Stop trying to come across as a victim woe is me I only asked for this. practice what you preach and 'allow' your partner the same freedoms. If he wants to watch tv somewhere, he can. If he wants to go to bed later then he can. You're suffocating him.

Still18atheart · 27/03/2019 09:43

Yabu. I never see the point in going to bed together just so you can queue up to brush teeth and stuff.

As for the tv thing that’s just bizarre. Everyone has different tastes in tv. Deal with it

SeaViewBliss · 27/03/2019 09:45

OP can you explain why you want him to go and watch TV somewhere other than his own home? What’s the issue with him watching it another room?

QueenEhlana · 27/03/2019 09:45

i just didnt think it was healthy to not go to bed together as a married couple but maybe ive got it all wrong

What is healthy in a relationship is what works for BOTH of you in the relationship. If your relationship is so flimsy that you can't be in the same house without being in the same room, then you need to rethink it entirely.

You say you feel suffocated, and want 10 minutes to yourself. What if he feels the same way, but needs more than 10 minutes? What if he fancies staying up a bit later one night? You know he can still love you, and not want to be with you all the time!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 27/03/2019 09:48

The secret of our long and happy marriage is NOT having to watch the same crappy TV as each other.

Langrish · 27/03/2019 09:48

“i just didnt think it was healthy to not go to bed together as a married couple but maybe ive got it all wrong”

My husbands up at 4.45, I’m not up until 6.15. Blowed if I’m going to sleep at 9pm too.

I get wanting a bit of time to yourself: so go for a walk round the block to clear your head or have a long bath. You can’t banish your husband from various rooms or the garden.
You do realise that’s completely unreasonable now don’t you?

SkinnyPete · 27/03/2019 09:49

Your working hours plus dealing with the majority of the DC activity and housework sounds a bit grim though. Is it really that unevenly split?

lunar1 · 27/03/2019 09:52

You sound like a real pain in the backside. Why are you so controlling? I can't see anyone putting up with you long term if this carries on.

MummyDummyNow · 27/03/2019 09:54

You sound like a demanding 5 year old.

OP you are two different people, you will like different TV programmes and want to go to bed at different times. Just because you're married, you are still separate people in your own right. Maybe just relax all your rules.

Samind · 27/03/2019 09:54

do and I get up at different times, sleep at different time. We have tv in living room and bedroom. If one doesn't like what others watching, there's another tv to watch. We have dinner together but that's it. We work round each other. It's no wonder you want a smoke to yourself when you do everything else together.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 27/03/2019 09:55

I can't remember us ever having gone to bed at the same time other than when sharing a hotel room on holiday.
Been together 47 years.

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