Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

Halfway through your post I knew you would say he is still in the family Home ie living with his wife. I would definitely not get involved with him until he has moved out and you have seen his place for himself. Far too messy otherwise.

Ideally you would wait till he is divorced although it sounds like you are already smitten.

There are so many threads on here where women are supposedly in a relationship and the man is still living at home and/or not divorced and it has been going on for years.

I think there a number of potential issues here, work for the same company, at different life stages and he is married.

Attraction is one thing but if you put your sensible head on this could be (high likelihood) of a nightmare.
I would he very concerned that he is rushing from a long relationship into another one. Feels like you could be his port on the storm.
His children will be grieving so is it really a good time for Dad to be loved up? I would respect him more if he focussed on them.
Being a step mum can be horrendous, see the threads on this and so many who say they would never choose to get involved with a separated man. You are potentially the OW, or will be perceived to be.

You are in your prime and a great catch, is he really the best man out there? You are unlikely to get a fairytale with Mr newly separated.

Hmmmm. You're 30? Do you want children of your own?

I wouldn’t til he’s definitely moved out and well down the divorce road.

AnotherEmma I am not sure I want children of my own, I am in the fence and definitely not something I see in my immediate future.

This is meant in a helpful way: he has 2 young kids and will likely have them half the time. You better hurry up and want kids because you're getting them all at once.

I'm dating a man who is going through divorce. He moved out of the family home 18 month ago - but goes up there and stays locally to see his DC/do the school run. This involves eating meals in the family home with DC and seeing the exW and attending school events with her (as she is primary carer). He is mid way through the sale of the matrimonial home and purchase of a new one and has his Decree Nisi but financial and Decree Absolut awaiting court and conveyancing is moving at snails pace.

He still has a LOT of baggage about his marriage breakdown and it's not always easy. I'm the second person he's dated since his split but he still has days where he's ranty and angry about what happened. I am waaay further down the line being 6 years out of my marriage but it's all quite tricky at times and not for the faint hearted.

I have to be sure not to be at all critical of exW who I don't know or of any disputes they have re parenting and just be sympathetic to him sometimes needing to vent about his situation.

I can empathise with a lot having been through a split myself an having been very lucky to maintain a friendship and amicable co paretning thing with my exH but think it would be incredibly hard if I didn't have my own sep/divorce experience to be able to relate.

I think you’re at different stages in life right now. He’s got 2 children and is early 40s. If you do get together now and you suddenly want children in 4 years time, will he want to be a dad with a newborn again when he’s pushing 50? Does he want to stop at 2? As he’s newly separated I can’t imagine he’d want that sort of conversation with you yet. It’s good that you haven’t slept with him yet, definitely wait for him to move out and clear his head first.

It just feels a bit insensitive and selfish of him really. He’s leaving behind the wreckage of his family and already has his lovely new romance lined up. Nice for him, not so nice for his ex, children, parents etc.

I also think the age gap and the fact that you work together should also make you wary. This has the potential to get very messy.

It looks like a bad idea to me op. As pps have said , you'll potentially be a step parent (do you want this before you have dc of your own and at such a young age?) and this separation could end up being really messy. You might end up acting as his therapist while he moves on from the ex.

I could be wrong about this , but this has rebound written all over it , if I were you I'd stay well clear.

My STBXH lived in the house with me/DC after we separated for about 2 months. He started seeing a colleague during that time- they go a long way back and she has always had a thing for him. I really don't care but my DC(young adults) and our close friends are really pissed a off. Our whole family and social circle is changing - we have known some of these people as a couple for more than 20 years so it is hard for them too. Everyone sees it (rightly or wrongly) as disrespectful and that his new woman is just a filler as he cannot cope on his own.

This may or may not be true but it is their perception. So ask yourself this - if you do make a go of things, do you want to be thought of in a negative way by his friends? Do you want his DC to think you were an affair partner when they are older and work things out? Everyone will think something was going on before he left and you will be seen in a negative light.

He has a very rocky road ahead and one of two things will happen,

• he will (rightly) prioritise his DC and you will be doing all the giving and may become resentful
• he will feel he needs to consider you and he may become resentful

Your best chance of long term success is to call a halt COMPLETELY until he has moved out, got into a new routine with his DC, got his head round not being married and got some insight into what he wants from life now. Probably 6 months minimum. If you are meant to be together then that is nothing. Separations are always amicable until they are not and you could be heading into a shit storm of epic proportions.

However, as a PP said you are clearly smitten and I don't think you will take any of the advice from here on board(99% of which will be "don't go there). Chances are you will be posting again in a few months about how hard it is with you, him and family strife.

Oh and you work together too , missed that point.

I think you can do better op.

I think it’s very common for men to go from one relationship to the next (often with an overlap) and I just don’t see how that can be healthy.
Regardless of why a marriage ends, there needs to be a grieving process and a chance for self reflection and healing.
My ex husband had an affair with someone in her late 20’s (he is 41) and is now with her and I can’t help wonder what will happen if she wants children down the line (he has had the snip and doesn’t want anymore now our kids are almost teenagers). I also know I wouldn’t have wanted to be with a man with a responsibility for two children and 40% of his time spent with them when I was that young. I was thinking about doing that with someone at the same life stage as me.
I don’t necessarily think waiting until he is divorced is that much of an issue as I have been separated just over a year and am dating. We are waiting 2 years to divorce but I don’t intent to wait until then to start dating!

No I wouldnt.
You work together and he hasnt even moved out yet.
I would hold him off for now.
If he likes you that much he will wait.

Oh dear - your infatuation and loved-up-ed-ness is oozing from your post above. Reading it I could picture you both in coffee shops giggling and touching one another arm and holding eye contact and see your giddiness. He's in his 40s, he's been with the same woman for 16 years, of course he's eager to move on with a lovely 30-year-old who has no kids. You remind you him that he's still young(ish) and attractive, he's still got it, his life isn't over, in fact it's just beginning again after the drudgery of child-raising and the hum-drum reality of a long-term relationship with young kids.

As PPs have said this is messy. You work together FGS - that's a sackable offence in some companies - you have mutual friends (what about his ex too - do they know her - are they going to tell her about your two giddy lovebirds?), he's on the rebound, he's not even left the family home yet, which means he's at the start of the long - and frequently bitter - process of divorce. You say you want to 'be there for him', but you haven't held the hand of someone getting divorced if you feel happy at that prospect - divorce is fucking horrible even if it's amicable. And once his ex finds out about you, expect it to get very fucking un-amicable.

You're playing with fire OP.

I’m not sure why you are so keen to ‘support’ him. What’s in it for you?

You risk getting involved in all the gory details and it is exhausting. The fact he is still at home with the wife and children means there is still a long process to go through eg financials, house moves, child contact etc.

Tbh when I was 30 and single I didn’t have a clue about divorce. Having now been through a divorce myself (particularly messy mind) I would not choose to be anywhere near a man in this situation until it is well and truly sorted.

Another thing you need to be wary of is the possibility that it could have an impact on your professional reputation. There’s bound to be gossip, and the older man dates younger woman after leaving his wife is a bit of a cliche, particularly if there isn’t much of a gap in between.

How do you think his wife will take it when she finds out about you?

If he has a relationship before divorce he is committing adultery even if he is separated. I didn’t know that until I was getting divorced and exh threatened to name new man in the divorce papers even though he had met someone before me!

I predict that if you go ahead with this op , it'll be a mistake that stays with you and teaches you not to sell yourself short in the future.

Or you could skip it , and stay single until a better potential partner comes your way.

Yes, my ex husband is a walking cliché and most people I/we know think so.
I don’t doubt, as an above posted said, that the prospect of a women in her late 20’s with a body untouched by child-bearing and without the stresses and strains of having children would be appealing to my ex, as it would be to your guy.
I used to laugh at the idea of mid life crises but I honestly think it’s really a thing for a lot of 40-ish year old men. They suddenly have a panic that this is it for them and they need to feel young/attractive/free again, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

I would imagine that the majority of your colleagues will assume you were the other woman and perhaps if has had feelings for you for a while, you have been. Do you really want that work gossip because it will stay with you until you leave the company?

DON'T

I wish so so so much someone had told me not to.

If he's emotionally ready to jump into something so soon that's odd in itself I think.

Do you want to move to a village where his ex lives?

Do you want the childcare?

Do you want the drama of supporting him through all the financial negotiations?

Are you sure you won't be subsiding his lifestyle once he loses a big chunk of his income and at least half of his capital?

I would imagine that the majority of your colleagues will assume you were the other woman and perhaps if has had feelings for you for a while, you have been. Do you really want that work gossip because it will stay with you until you leave the company?

Also, this

If he's emotionally ready to jump into something so soon that's odd in itself I think.

How many people are ready for another serious commitment after just ending a 16-year relationship though? None, I'm guessing. The OP is being lined up as the rebound shag. This guy is gagging for it after all those years with one person. When he discovers Tinder (and he will), he'll shag himself silly. The OP is just first in line.

I'll go against the majority and day it might work out. I know of two of two similar cases and both are blissfully happy. The one thing I'd consider is becoming a step-mum. It's no easy and you'd definitely end up being one if things work out.