Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

You're obviously going ahead and pursuing this relationship op , I genuinely hope that he has been completely honest with you and that his intentions match yours.

Please don't be afraid to post more if you need to though.

I guess the lovebombing worked for you then because you seem to really enjoy all this drama. This guy moves out and he's still a married bloke with two kids from work. A guy who's carrying on an emotional affair with some gal from the office whilst still married and living in the marital home who's already lined up a replacement before he's even out of it. He didn't even wait till he'd left after sixteen years with someone to make sure he had another bird waiting in the wings. He's followed The Script to the letter, too - we drifted apart, don't make each other happy, love each other like friends blah blah blah.

It's incredible how many people fall for this claptrap.

Can I be honest OP, if I could keep every relationship at the coffees, lunches, mini breaks level , I would be quite happy with that. It’s the entangled lives, work schedules, kids, ex’s,in-laws etc that complicate things and often lead to issues. The simple dates thing is easy peasy, the follow on is the hard bit. It’s like wedding days, women build them up so much but it’s one day, it’s the next30 years you need to have in mind

He doesn't sound worth your while. Personally I wouldn't get involved with him at all. Barely separated and you'll still have to put up with him at work if it ends? Nah!

DH and I split in October. It was my decision. The marriage had been pretty dead for a year. We are amicable. He moved out pretty immediately. We have a good parenting agreement. Our divorce came through yesterday.

I am still a long way from being ready for a new relationship. I THOUGHT I was after a month and downloaded an OLD app. I quickly realised it wasn't good timing.

I suspect he may think he is ready but I'd question if this is just a knee jerk reaction to being suddenly adrift from his marriage. I'd step back for 6 months. If it is meant to be it will be after 6 months.

3 months OP isn't enough time. Trust me it won’t last if it’s a rebound for him. They were married and he will still have emotional connections and bonds in his head. Even if it is mutual the mental processes that follow need to be dealt with and then he can be free mentally to find someone else and be mentally present. Trust me you do not want to be with a Emotionally unavailable man. And every time in 40 years some dude was separating trying to coerce me into relations with them said this. And that there was no affection blah blah blah be wary.

Get another man OP. He is technically damaged goods and will be in no way ready for anything real anytime soon. Stay friends and move on. Do you really want to go through with this, it sounds like a bad idea to me. The crush admit is something ive seen a lot of in my time also, they don’t change same old excuses, if he did then the fact he tried to fix his marriage when he fancied you said it all, Your young free and single and bagpuss wants a piece of that lol. Please don’t waste your worth with this guy. You will regret it, you only live once don’t settle for a crap life :D

If he stays single no FWBs and all that crap then give him a chance but make him prove himself first. Save you a lot of wasted time.

All this chancer is thinking about here is his own self and you're also going to be in the fallout.

This has DFS written all over it; disaster from the start and I also think you've been lovebombed.

Is he more senior to you in the workplace as well.

Attila no he is at my same seniority level and in a completely different division so we never work together.

How did your parents divorce affect you when you were 11? It may have been “amiable” for them by the time they decided to split - but how was it for you at 11?

Have they told their children that daddy is moving out!

That was supposed to be a ? not a !....

There are none so blind as those who won't see. It's an emotional affair, with a married man. This is the person he is. And well, so are you.

Another20 my parents' divorce was not a big trauma for me, I think I cried half an hour and then I was off playing at a friend's place. I suppose my parents handled it very well.

However I totally understand that divorce is a very traumatic event for many children, so I don't think my experience is very common.

Do you think that that is even possible? You could be dissociated.

It sounds to me like you have had some great advice from a range of people with a lot of life experience of this situation, so I hope you will exercise a lot of caution.

I have also been married 15 year and if Dh and I decided to split amicably and then I found out he was seeing someone straight away, I would change my view of the split and believe he didn't put effort in the marriage because of an emotional affair. It would be easy to then become bitter and make life hell for everyone.

I would really ensure that your lives are detached for at least 6-9 months after he has moved out, this is to protect you at least and also the relation ship long term, if that's what you both want.

My child was fine initially, too. In fact, he was excited about some parts of it.

It took a few weeks, but he began to regularly burst into sobbing tears, clingy, anxious, questions, questions, more questions, more sobbing.

It's still like this. OP, you may have been "fine" after half and hour, what about after half a month? Half a year? That 1st Christmas? When Daddy started a shiny new family?

Travelban I agree with you that I received really good advice here. I am very grateful for everyone's comments, you have given me a lot of food for thought.

The general consensus seems to be to park this for a while until he is in a more stable place, and then explore it if we both still feel the same about each other. I will talk to him when I have a chance and suggest we do something like that.

Park it.

Put park it properly. With a good long break.

It's what I did. And I didn't even know dp until after we both left our marriages.

Because if after a few weeks you think 'oh he hasnt gone off with someone/ is still interested it cant rebound' you will be wrong.

He probably will still try to be in touch and have that connection.

But you wont know if it's really until you have a proper break. Let him sort himself out. If he goes out having one night stands or a fwb, you know he was only after one thing from you. That tells you, all you need to know about him.

He's in his 40s, he's been with the same woman for 16 years, of course he's eager to move on with a lovely 30-year-old who has no kids. You remind you him that he's still young(ish) and attractive, he's still got it, his life isn't over, in fact it's just beginning again after the drudgery of child-raising and the hum-drum reality of a long-term relationship with young kids.

God yes, this!!!!

Yes park it. Or don't. But have no expectations of the future.

It's still like this. OP, you may have been "fine" after half and hour, what about after half a month? Half a year? That 1st Christmas? When Daddy started a shiny new family?

This is very unfair. Op has made it clear that she has no intention of rushing in with the kids or a new family. Children do need time to adjust but mums and dads do deserve to happy too. This can be managed sensibly and sensitively. Op sounds like she is pretty reflective.

I really wouldn't bother. I doubt he's properly moved on from his marriage. It will get messy, as separations and divorces often do. You will spend time comparing yourself to his ex wife and getting frustrated and insecure about why he has to drop you often for his kids/when his wife is ill/when she has a work trip or weekend away etc.

You could find someone great without being at different stages in life. I'm divorced with kids and wouldn't consider a newly separated dad.

Intheriver the problem there is that many people say that. They also say they wouldn't rush into a relationship with a recently separated man.

But in a couple if months when he has continued love bombing her and convincing her he wants her to be part of his whole life people end up getting involved in the kids. They get swept up in believing its forever.

Intheriver that quote from a PP was asking about how the OP herself felt at those points when her own parents divorced when she was a young child.

But in a couple if months when he has continued love bombing her and convincing her he wants her to be part of his whole life people end up getting involved in the kids. They get swept up in believing its forever.

This. Anyone who is already pursuing an emotional affair with an eye to a physical one before they are even moved out of the shared home with kids is a straight up player with zero respect for the spouse or the kids.

Children do need time to adjust but mums and dads do deserve to happy too.

Not at the expense of those children and jumping straight into another relationship is pretty much the definition of that.

A person who pursues an emotional affair is a player, and those who engage with it are just the sidechick.

Not at the expense of those children and jumping straight into another relationship is pretty much the definition of that.

I don't think that is the case. I think many judgements are being made on this thread. Nobody really knows what goes on inside a relationship.

But hey ho, the OP has had lots of excellent advice and actually I have been in agreement that the relationship should be put on hold. I just don't agree that two adults can't pull this off IF they take time and care to be sensible. We can agree to disagree.

OP, I've been reading this thread since you posted it as I am dating a man who is also going through a separation. It's been hard to read a lot of the posts but I actually agree with most of them , despite them being the opposite of what I am experiencing.
I'm 6 months in to a relationship with a guy who has separated from his wife but isn't divorced and are still living together. Their house is on the market, and has been for about a year but it hasn't sold. They have separate bedrooms and separate lives. But they have a (nearly adult) daughter who still lives at home and DP's life revolves around her. As it should. His wife and DD know about me and they both accept that he has a new partner. I've met his mum, his daughter and his friends. But at the end of the day - he still lives in the family home with his family and despite the separation they eat together every day because they want to keep things as normal as possible for their daughter for as long as they can. DP knows once the house is sold she will live with his exW and their time together is limited.

It's hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I do wonder a lot if I would have got together with him if I knew then what I know now. I don't think I would.