Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

To be honest, you need to think of yourself here and only yourself. You have no loyalty to his ex wife, so sisterhood etc., is not helpful.

The one thing I will say, is having dated a man going through a bitter divorce, it can become all about her. What she's done now, how much money she's spent on lawyers, how she's turning the kids against him and on and on and fucking on. Sometimes you don't get a look in as there mind becomes obsessed on this battle with their exes.

I'm not sure I'd be terribly impressed with being kept secret. He will likely have the children every weekend, or 50/50. He will be out of bounds at those times as you can't be spoken about or seen. That can become very irritating very quickly. How long will you be a secret. Can you anticipate a year of being in a relationship where he can only whisper on the phone to you in the evenings in case the kids wake up, or never be able to make weekend plans with your boyfriend? That sucks a little.

Before I'd make a decision on anything - I'd ask him how he sees this panning out in 6 months, 1 year. If he gets the heebiegeebies at the mention of long-term - well unfortunately you'll have your answer right away.

I suppose what I'm saying is that he comes with a lot of baggage for want of a better word and you may be compromising a lovely happy future with a single man ready and available to commit. Don't sell yourself short. Do you really want to accept being some sort of dirty unacceptable secret? If that's all he has to offer you, is that enough for you?

And all that said, you can't help who you fall for, so if he is willing to approach this by not making you second best to his ex, or his children, then go for it. Expect a lot of scorn from women scorned though. That can get ugly very quickly.

If you get together now so soon then the ex (and the kids) and probably everyone else will assume that you had been having an affair. The kids will never forgive him or you.

Do you want kids? Does he want anymore? Are you happy to have step kids and the complications that brings - read the threads on here, there’s always issues about kids having different amounts of presents as they got more from other family, step mums resenting the fad for rightly paying lots of maintenance, step kids needing their own bedroom etc etc
What if he doesn’t want any more kids? Are you happy with that?
If you do have kids he will already have had his ‘first’ everything or he may think he knows better than you in raising kids.
Do you want to get married? He is less likely to want to/want a big wedding.
He may go back to his wife whatever he says right now.
In 10 years he may get bored of you too once the drudgery of real life and living together kicks in and move on to the next young thing that makes him feel young

You may be very happy together but I would definitely cool any romance until he is properly separated, he is mentally sorted and his kids have adapted to the new normal.

This was exactly the same scenario with my DH, except as far as I was aware the marraige was very much alive. He wanted to "explore this relationship" further with this woman who was ready to accept his kids etc (it didn't happen!) He soon come back with his tail between his legs

I met someone who was in the process of divorcing his wife and still living in family home. In time he moved out, his divorce was finalised and we have been happily married for 9 years.

Each situation is different, I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer.

Hi. Your new relationship sounds lovely, but I think you should wait until he's set up on his own. I can't help but feel like this is disrespectful to his wife. And how can he be giving his children the time they need at deserve during this difficult period, if he's off gallivanting with you.
If you mean so much to each other, then surely you can wait for a bit. And if he doesn't have unprocessed emotional stuff going on at this time, I'll eat my hat. You never come out of a long-term relationship unscathed, even if it was loveless for a time.

Dieu, I came out of a relationship with no baggage whatsoever as it had been dead for at least 4 years. He was like a flatmate I despised and argued with. It was a blessed release when he finally left.

He's not being disrespectful to his wife. It sounds like there was no love lost between them.

Divorce however, can bring out the claws.

I would definitely cool things off at least until he has moved out. Think of his poor wife!!

Jesus wept! You're free and unattached. He's got more baggage than Heathrow T5 and he's old as well. Why the fuck would you want to get involved in this drama and his kids and saddle yourself down with all this? He's not even moved out and he's already rebounded? Who would want to touch that with a 10 foot barge pole? He's one of those creeps who can never be single and take time out on his own and thinks he's some kind of catch even though he's towing an invisible Pickford's lorry worth of baggage.

Get a self esteem!

Don't sell yourself short with this geezer.

FFS. NOPE outta there.

You could do so much better.

I agree with PP that you are settling for way less than you deserve OP. You are young, single and without responsibilities. Enjoy life with someone equally free and unattached!

If you're prepared for the chance of heartbreak then carry on.
The last man I dated who was recently separated went back to his wife 🤷🏼‍♀️
He seemed quite capable of doing all the love stuff but still went back.

The one thing I will say, is having dated a man going through a bitter divorce, it can become all about her. What she's done now, how much money she's spent on lawyers, how she's turning the kids against him and on and on and fucking on. Sometimes you don't get a look in as there mind becomes obsessed on this battle with their exes.

This! I started dating a man who had been living separately from his wife for over a year when we met, and SHE was divorcing HIM, had been dating again herself BUT all hell broke out when she found out about me. It had a massive and profound affect on the course of his divorce, how long and drawn out and expensive it became, it affected his relationship with his child for years..it shouldn’t have, she was divorcing him and had a new partner herself when he met me, but it happened just the same. We made it through and are still together but when I look back I am amazed that we did. It very nearly broke us as a couple and I would urge caution. As one poster said, it really isn’t for the faint hearted. He is only very recently separated. At the very least I would hold off until he has his own place.

PicsInRed, excellent post.

Until you have been through the cycle with someone who love bombs then you do believe that this is the man of your dreams, soul mate stuff.
Maybe you will have to go through it to understand it. I am not sure if MN had been involved I would have listened..I hope I would but can't say for sure. Our relationship was fully in the open and he appeared to adore me, we were so similar and had fantastic sexual chemistry. I did have some niggling doubts but like you thought I had spent my life being sensible.

You have doubts as you posted here. One way to break the spell is to start saying No, not cruelly but just often enough to see what his reaction is. Be busy with work or friends. Question him hard on how his wife and children are coping, see if he has compassion for them. Ask how the children reacted to the separation, are the school involved and supporting them? Ask him what he loved about his wife when he met her? Ask if they tried counselling, if so for how long. What did he feel he needed to change to make the marriage work?
This will get you both out of the affair bubble and into real life. Ending a marriage is brutal and painful. If he is not showing signs of it then there is an issue with him.

I doubt he is a good man though, as hiding you is deceptive and I promise he will also deceive you at some stage.
It won't be for a year or so but it will happen.

Hi,

I wanted to pop a post up on here aswell, I'm dating a separated guy and let me tell you I've got in essence the "ideal version" it was amicable, they've sorted finances, they live apart, they've got a 50/50 childcare agreement, they are both dating other people etc and it's still hard. Theres still small arguments, or upset feelings, things that could have or would have been etc... I sometimes wonder what the hell I was thinking. I am similar in so much I am totally smitten with him, but in hindsight I half wish I had met him long after he was actually divorced and had managed to deal with all those feelings.

Read carefully OP, I note you said you want to help support him, but just be careful you don't lose yourself doing that or allow your own feelings, wants and needs to be totally buried...

Also the children aspect is very very hard, have you dated a man with kids before? Especially one with older children?

I really do hope it works out for you but take on board what everyone has said and give yourself time to assess the situation properly.

Sorry meant to say *tread carefully, not read carefully x

He is a smooth operator, his behaviours sound highly manipulative - his lovebombing is a massive red flag - he has been grooming you and could be a narc. This isn’t the real him.

Why isn’t he a broken man with a shattered heart because his family has disintegrated? He is just looking out for no1.

If you have spent significant time socially in this couples presence over the years and worked closely alongside him did you sense or see a marriage in trouble and a man in distress?

What would you call the situation now ? An exclusive relationship - just not had sex yet?

Marriages end for a reason, or many reasons. Right now he’s hiding his true self to woo you and line you up as a back up so he’s not alone when and if the divorce comes through.
You’ll find out who he really is when he lets his guard down in a year or so and you’ll then realise why they divorced.

possibly i would for a quick flirtation if i fancied him that much but wouldn't get into a relation or more serious dating so quickly after separation and while he's still living in the marital home. too unfinished at this point.

Been there done that and would not do it again. I think I was an emotional crutch and a distraction. It ends once they are 'out' of their marriage

Hi everyone, thank you very much for all your contributions. I totally understand why some of your comments were a bit on the harsher side, as I stated previously I would probably say the same if a friend were in a similar situation.

I think that holding back and not spending time alone with him until he has moved out sounds really sensible and quite achievable. I don't think of myself as an OW, although I appreciate that other people might look at the timeline with suspicion.

I don't think of myself as an OW, although I appreciate that other people might look at the timeline with suspicion.

Until he is divorced, you legally are the other woman. I dont think it's an issue, if you know he has separated. But some people would be bothered by that.

He is a very dishonest man who is asking you to be complicit in this.

He has fancied you for ages - whilst he was married. He has been disloyal to his wife, children, marriage family through this time.

Whilst still living in the family home he has persued and love bombed you.

You are the OW having an affair with this man - it is either emotional and/or physical currently - although you seem to believe that not yet having had PIV sex absolves you of this.

He has asked you to keep this secret - so you are lying and complicit.

He wants you to keep this relationship secret for 6 - 12 months - our of respect for his wife!!! He wants you to do this so HIS reputation is not obliterated.

If he had any respect for his wife, children, family at this horrific time he would be focusing on supporting their emotional fall out - but he is using his headspace and time with you.

If you had an empathy for young children going through this you would step away now and not cause them hurt.

Hippogater and Lifebegins50 have particularly salient advice.

You have had well over unanimous 100 responses from many people with deep and bitter experience. Listen to them - keep re reading the thread whilst you watch and wait through his transition period - different things will resonate and make sense at different times.

You are likely setting up an unstable emotional structure here.

You have emotional intimacy with a married man who is still living in the marital home. He has selfishly approached, love bombed, and lined you up as his support and ego boost before he is even out the door. He must have been fairly certain that you would reciprocate.

His ‘crushing on you for ages’ would have put more distance between him and his wife. She likely noticed that he was even more disengaged.

@lifebegins50 has given excellent advice. Bring this down to earth to catch a glimpse of what he is made of. Change the dynamic and see how he reacts.

This family is going through a huge emotional upheaval. Being his support system under these circumstances is no way to develop an equal partnership and puts you at a disadvantage. I would absolutely back off until he has been out of the house for some months and has worked to help his children settle.

Personally, I would not trust this man.