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Original poster

Dating a man who is going through a separation?

185 replies

HannahBanana33 · 22/03/2019 15:37

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

OP posts:
pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 15:58

It's so sad that you think the best you can do is some married creep with kids on the rebound lining up his wife's replacement. What a saddo, he can't even be on his own a while whilst his kids get used to the situation and their lives being turned round or to give himself headspace to deal with what went wrong. People who can't stay single are losers.

MsDogLady · 25/03/2019 16:34

I meant to add: If you do step back, he will understand if he cares about your well-being. If he tries to manipulate or pressure you, that will speak volumes.

Original poster
HannahBanana33 · 25/03/2019 17:19

I meant to add: If you do step back, he will understand if he cares about your well-being. If he tries to manipulate or pressure you, that will speak volumes.

He has told me many time that if this got too much for me or if I felt uncomfortable with the situation, he would totally understand and he would disappear.

I sadly have direct experience with manipulative people with narc tendencies, so I think I'd be able to spot that type of red flag. I don't think he is manipulating me. Of course only time will tell if he is a good, genuine person or not.

You have all given me a lot of food for thought, thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahBanana33 · 25/03/2019 17:20

Actually once I felt overwhelmed with the situation and I told him I did not wish to be in touch with him for a while because I needed space to think. He said he understood and stopped contacting me, until I reached out to him again 5 days later with a clearer mind. So I'd say when I have pulled back he has reacted quite well and respectfully so far.

OP posts:
pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 17:26

He has told me many time that if this got too much for me or if I felt uncomfortable with the situation, he would totally understand and he would disappear.

If he were in any way decent at all he'd never have told you he was 'crushing on you for ages' and started lovebombing and making moves whilst he is still living with his wife! Not to mention, FFS, he's an old geezer with two kids in tow. Wow, he really thinks a lot of himself. Anyone decent would think, 'Crushing on Hannah, but she deserves to find someone nearer her own age who's free and unencumbered so she can have a shot at the family I got to have.' When people show you who they are, believe them.

He needs space to move out and time off from dating. Instead he's so immature and self-centred he can't even do that.

another20 · 25/03/2019 18:06

How long have you been having this affair?

beebreath · 25/03/2019 18:07

Keep well away.

Separation doesn't always lead to divorce.

If you work together you will be blamed for any marriage breakup and be the 'other woman ' .

another20 · 25/03/2019 18:13

he has reacted quite well and respectfully so far.

Not to his children and wife of 16 years tho has he? That is how he treats the people he loves the most. He is not a respectful person - he is playing you.

Verynice · 25/03/2019 18:17

Ex wife

And she's not having an affair. Wind your neck in and stop projecting.

Verynice · 25/03/2019 18:19

He's only 41 ffs - hardly an old geezer.

pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 18:21

No one is an 'ex' wife until the divorce is final. Otherwise, they are still legally married.

And what a spoonie he is! A gal from work! Couldn't even come up with something original.

pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 18:24

He's only 41 ffs - hardly an old geezer.

She's only 30, whole life ahead of her, he's a married old spoonie from work with more baggage than T5 in tow. Gawd, where is the self esteem of some people (his obviously rivals Mt Everest)? No idea why any unattached 30-year-old would even give that the time of day, much less entertain a relationship. Sad.

SkinnyPete · 25/03/2019 18:44

No idea why any unattached 30-year-old would even give that the time of day, much less entertain a relationship

Because attraction is not entirely rational. Everyone has their deal breakers, but they're usually very personal.

PicsInRed · 25/03/2019 18:54

Spoonie. 😂🤣😅

OP, this guy's wife gave him 16 years and 2 pelvic floor stretches, then he shat on her from a great height, with you so when will your time be up? 5 years? 10 years? 30 years? You'll never be safe because he is, at his core, a disloyal person.

Your chance of retiring comfortably with this guy are next to zip. More likely, you'll drop a couple more kids for him, probably unmarried he's not making that mistake again then find that your marriage drifted apart ended suddenly without your knowledge and he now lives with the girl from the office. You've been shipped out to a two bedder to finish raising his 2nd family, on CMS.

pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 19:14

Because attraction is not entirely rational.

Acting on it is a entirely free choice one makes, however. There dealbreakers, and then there are just pathetically low standards. Like a married guy who still lives at home.

SkinnyPete · 25/03/2019 20:34

They're your dealbreakers... But yes, I get your point. I'd be good with separated, but living in the marital home, not so much.

Original poster
HannahBanana33 · 26/03/2019 08:43

She's only 30, whole life ahead of her, he's a married old spoonie from work with more baggage than T5 in tow. Gawd, where is the self esteem of some people (his obviously rivals Mt Everest)? No idea why any unattached 30-year-old would even give that the time of day, much less entertain a relationship. Sad.

As I previously mentioned, I am lucky enough not to be short of male attention. I have been on many many dates in the last couple of years, and dated a two people for a few months each. None of them felt right to me.

You seem to think that the dating world functions in a rather "transactionary" way - my value is x because I am 30, attractive, solvent and no DC, his value is y because he is older, separated and has 2 DC. Hence I should not "settle" for him and it is sad that I would consider a relationship with him (once he has moved out of the marital home of course). But to me, he is the most attractive man on Earth and the only man who has made me feel this way in a long time. I would pick him over all the younger men with less baggage in the world, because he is special to me.

Surely the many women on mumsnet who are separated with DC would like to think they could meet someone who would appreciate them for who they are not and not "settle" for them like they were damaged goods?

OP posts:
Stormyday · 26/03/2019 08:56

Oh dear. I fear it’s too late for you to heed any of the warnings on here.

AnotherEmma · 26/03/2019 09:14

I agree with you, OP, but it's still very complicated and you've fallen for him way too soon. The fact that he's allowed things to get so intense with you so quickly is a bad sign in itself.

Stormyday · 26/03/2019 09:18

I hope for your sake he does manage to ‘disentangle’ himself in the next 4-6 weeks as he has promised.

another20 · 26/03/2019 09:24

we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him........but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

How can he be behaving this way when his family is imploding does he not have any empathy for the devastation of his children - why is his focus not there?

This is not the behaviour of a decent man. He sounds like a total Narc - with the grooming and intensity.

pissedonatrain · 26/03/2019 09:45

You may not think of him in a transitionary way but he probably sees you that way.

grooming and love bombing is a thing

Original poster
HannahBanana33 · 26/03/2019 09:50

Of course grooming and love bombing is a thing, I have been groomed and love-bombed by a man with clear narc tendencies in the past so I am well aware of the dynamics.

I am in no way saying grooming and love-bombing is not a thing, I just don't think this is the case. I could obviously be wrong though.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/03/2019 09:52

What was your parents' relationship like? And how did they treat you?

Original poster
HannahBanana33 · 26/03/2019 09:56

AnotherEmma my parents split amicably when I was 11, they have since remarried and are happy with their spouses of 10+ years. They were very good parents, always put my needs first. I am still very close to both of them and their new spouses, although I live in a different city now so I don't see them often. We speak on the phone most days.

Not sure how that is relevant to this situation?

OP posts: