Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

I would wait at least 6 -9 months when everything is more settled and see how you both feel. But at 30 with no kids of my own I would advise you not to go there. You'd be getting into a drama that will likely be complicated and you'll end up hurt. You're young and there are lots of people put there.

I've been seeing someone for the last 6 months. He'd only just moved out of his family home when we started seeing each other. The reality of the solit and complicated childcare arrangements is making it very difficult for us to see each other. I have kids a lot myself but he is at his ex's beck and call and plans get changed at the last minute. I think he's amazing but if it continues like this I'm going to call it a day because I want to have a least the certainty of a few days a month to spend together. I also would avoid being a step parent. 2 of my kids are teenagers and I would hate to be a step parent to teenagers.

Speaking from the ex's point of view. Same age gaps apply. My ex is very bitter towards me and 2.5 years on, is delaying the divorce, after harassing me for the first 1.5 years. He still says, every now and again, that he still loves me and wants to get back together.

Situation with the children are a mess. He doesn't see the youngest and the teenager is a nightmare and becoming resistant to her presence if she's around when the teen meets his Dad.

In a nutshell, incredibly messy, with an incredibly messy divorce looming.

Do you want to be embroiled in something similar?

He sounds pretty awful to have so little respect for his family that he’s pursuing you whilst still living with them. The toll divorce has on children is horrendous... he’s going to make that worse.

Plus you work together....

Run.

Don't

I got as far as 'I was very surprised at first' and then this jarred with me. I think you may have to not look too deeply. I don't believe anyone can be emotionally available straight after a break up. I would always be wary. I think you have to look at long term gain for short term loss. You have no idea what he wants - it could just be 'fun'. Are you okay with that or do you know you want more? If you support him emotionally, that's unfair on you now that he has told you he likes you and you know you like him.

So he has had a crush on you for some time ...... so basically whilst he was married? All that “friendship” was him grooming you whilst he was still actively trying to make his marriage work?

Nice guy?

No way, avoid, so he had feelings for you whilst he was still with his wife? Classy. Avoid.

Just read some other replies and agree, it's a huge red flag that huge red flag that he would even be ready emotionally for a new relationship so quickly. I wonder if this attraction has caused issues in their marriage if you both knew you fancied each other. I would tell him you will wait at least 6 months minimum for the shit to die down and see what his reaction is. His kids and wife deserve a bit better than this.

• sorry for typos

I would steer well clear.
So many men like him in reality are cowards - they have to have someone else lined up as a back-up before they split from their wives.
When the reality of the split happens (if indeed it ever does), he will very likely go back to his wife anyway for reasons on many levels - children, friends, family and financial stability being a big one.

It's not ideal that he developed feelings for you while he was still married, but I think it is understandable to an extent, as the marriage was coming to an end and he might have been feeling lonely for some time. In that scenario I would proceed with caution. But it's the addition of other factors that make it a no-no. The age gap and worst of all the fact that you work together... if it all goes wrong, things could get very difficult at work. I think it's a bit of a recipe for disaster tbh. At the very least I think you should follow the advice to wait before dating (wait until he's moved out, and wait at least 6 months after official separation, whichever is the latest) if you even go there at all. But you did sound head over heels in your OP, so I worry that these answers are not at all what you wanted to hear?

It just feels a bit insensitive and selfish of him really. He’s leaving behind the wreckage of his family and already has his lovely new romance lined up. Nice for him, not so nice for his ex, children, parents etc.

This. I don't think I could take someone like that at all seriously. His focus should be his children, not a new romance. He is kind of pathetic.

I met the man that is now my do 10 days after leaving my ex husband of 17 years.

The marriage had been over for a while and exh was abusive. I didn't want a relationship.

We are very happy now. But honestly my advice is dont do it.

Dp had separated from his wife 4 weeks before and moved in with a relative. I met him as the relative is a friend of mine.

We got together a few weeks later. It was great. For a few weeks. Then the stresses of our respective exs caused us issues and the grew between us. This was followed by 3 months of shit. Getting stressed with eachother, being arsey with eachother etc. I know I had the 'do I really want this' and 'wouldn't it be fun to be single for a while'.in the end I called it off and I think he was relieved.

We didn't speak for about 10 months. Then, we saw each other occassionally at my friends. We slowly became friends and I remember thinking I wished I hadn't have met him when I did. If we met at this point it would have been better. But I was certain nothing would happen again

Then we became closer and ended up together.

Honestly I am very very happy with him. But we both fucked up our first time around. It was just so nice to fancy someone and know they fancied me. But it got too serious too quick as I think we clung together as we were both going through a similar thing.

Neither of us were ready. It was an awful time. Exciting, dramatic and exhausting.

Dp only has an adult son. My son got to know dp during the time we werent together but friends, they get on.

But both of is have been parents. We knew what to expect.

I wouldn't get involved with a separating man again. And I wouldn't jump in either.

I certainly wouldn't if there were kids and I may end up as their step mum. I think it would better for the kids if he concentrated on separating the right way.

The work thing is right too. People will assume. And what's worse, I find there always a sexist attitude to this. The woman ends up carrying most if the blame.

Do you want to be step mum?
Do EOW child stuff?
Washing and cooking for his children?

Nothing wrong with doing it, but do you see yourself doing this or do you have rose tinted glasses on..?

I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

He is love bombing you.

What sort of man makes this his priority when his children’s lives are about to implode? He should be live bombing and transitioning his children right now. Do they even know their Dad is leaving - or will they be told in two months time when he leaves?

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time.

This is his version of the marriage collapse and his supposed time-line ..... there might be another version.

The heart wants what it wants and I think just leaving it until he’s divorced will be easier said than done if you like each other this much. But wait til he’s in his own place and the dust has settled a bit.

What do you think of everyone’s comments op?

Yeah I wonder what the wife's version is. Have you ever met her?

I'm married to the guy you describe. He was separated when we met. It was difficult and he didn't have kids. When I look back at my thoughts I was so naive and the same age as you... I thought it was so cut and dried. But he won't ever be divorced in the same way - he had kids and ties forever. I think you should do the grown up thing and move on. It's going to be hard and painful. Do you really want that?

Your best chance of long term success is to call a halt COMPLETELY until he has moved out, got into a new routine with his DC, got his head round not being married and got some insight into what he wants from life now. Probably 6 months minimum.

This. I'd also agree with posts above about how his wife might give a different story to the 'we grew apart, mutual decision' one.

Hi OP, don't.

Reasons :

He's married, he lives with his wife. Walk away at least until he moves out and has settled into his own home for a good long while, actually finalised his divorce and has established a routine with the children (who will no doubt be devastated at their situation).

He's been in a 16 year relationship, frying pan and fire springs to mind. He's love bombing you. I am not suggesting this is intentional, but he may be overwhelmed with the whole "new romance" thing as he's been in a relationship for so long, but take it from me, divorce concentrates the mind and is often messy and painful. You will be right in the middle of it.

Continuing on with the divorce theme, you will end up being embroiled, the other woman (even if you aren't, people will think you are), you could be dragged in, named, your finances called into account etc etc.

You will have an instant "family" that you may not be ready for. Being an EOW "stepmother" to somebody else's kids is quite frankly, difficult (been there, got the scars).

I would like to hear his wife's version of events, because it's very similar to the version my ex-h used on OW when he left me..you know, marriage long dead, nothing in common, living like brother and sister, not had sex for years, none of which was remotely true at all...but he needed to have a narrative didn't he? Of course, she was all "supportive" and "helpful"

It's WAY too soon and if I were you, I'd run like the wind and don't look back (until such time that it's safe to do so). It will be interesting to see how he treats his wife during separation and divorce, how kind he is, how much he puts his children at the forefront...because many don't. I speak from bitter experience.

I am not saying that there isn't the possibility of a relationship in the future, but for now steer well clear. I think you know this really, otherwise you wouldn't be asking!

I read your post thinking that could be my husband, he could be slowly romancing a work colleague to warm him up after he walked out on us this week, I can promise you, as someone said up post, the wife will definitely not see things the same way. Sorry, might not be what you want to hear.

@Twitchingi I am so sorry...I've been there, it's utterly shite, you WILL get through...can I suggest starting a thread here...I underestimated the power of support that I would get from Mumsnet, the vipers on here saw me through and some will be lifelong friends and remain a big part of my daily life. I know the fog you're in right now but I promise you that you will find light again. Sending love and hugs

To be honest, the wife's version is irrelevant to a point. Whatever her version is, he doesn't want the marriage anymore.

Even if he decided to call time on the marriage because he had fallen out of love with his wife, it's over.

That doesn't mean I think being with him is a good idea. I think he has too much baggage .. still in the marital home, 2 kids and an Ex.

There's a time in your life you can be choosy with men... that time is now.

Read the stepparent board and think long and hard about getting with him.

Perhaps cool it fir a while and keep your relationship under wraps for a year or so from when he moves out. The kids will at least be a bit more used to mum and dad seperated.