Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

My husband apparently told that to his 25yr old work colleague while I thought we were blissfully happy, so I wouldn't believe a word of it. Check his fb profile and ask her before you get involved because she will definitely tell you the truth!

Hello everyone, I just wanted to post an update on the situation. I have read carefully and really taken in the comments and advice I received on this thread. It took a few days for it to really sink in, but ultimately I had to admit that you guys were right on the fact that everything was happening way too soon and too quickly.

Therefore I talked to him a few days ago and I told him that I thought we should park it for the time being, as he needed time to focus on what is going on in his life. I said this was not the time to begin something new, while he was still trying to wrap his head around the end of his marriage. I told him that maybe, in a few months when he is settled in his new life and has adapted to all the changes, we can ridiscuss the situation. Of course there is no guarantee I’ll be single by then, but then that’s life.

He said that deep down he knew I was right, even though it hurt like hell. He thanked me for being honest with me and for being understanding of the situation. So we parted ways, maybe for good, maybe temporarily, know knows. I will keep seeing him at work, but it will be no more than a quick a hi at the coffee machine.

I feel a bit sad now, but I know it was the right thing to do. Maybe this was just not meant to be, or maybe we’ll meet again in the future.

Well done OP. That can't have been easy at all. Do you have friends around this weekend to distract you with some lovely things and kidnap your phone?

Good work Hannah.

Now just ignore any attempts to hoover you back in (he misses you, so sad, can't live without you, looking at places - will you come with him?, just about to move out...any day now...).

Stay strong.

You have done a good thing OP. It will be interesting to see (though of course you won’t know) how he chooses to spend the next 6 months - totally focused on transitioning his children in the family’s new set up or out and about OLD until a respectable time has elapsed to contact you again.....or as PP has said continuing your relationship but at a lower level. This will tell you all you need to know. But v impressed with your approach.

Well done OP

It will be interesting to see if he does actually move out.

Hi all, OP here but can't figure out how to log back into my account so I opened another one to post an update on my situation.

He finalised his separation and moved out in May. Very amicable terms with STBXW. DC shared 50/50.

We have been dating since he moved out and things are very good between us. We live in a small town so dating freely out and about is impossible without STBXW finding out. He was planning to tell STBXW about us by the end of the summer, and was a bit nervous about her reaction.

Surprise surprise, yesterday she has told him she has met someone last month!! So it seems like things have turned out for the best for both ex spouses.

Obviously both our relationship and STBXW's relationship will not be disclosed to their DC anytime soon, so the children are being protected.

Ah this is nice to read! I wish you all the best !

I met my partner around the time I split from my long failing relationship. we are very happy now but it has been an incredibly stressful two years because we weren't emotionally available on any level.