Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

As long as what he is saying is the truth.

Yes strange that, fall out of love with wife whilst nurturing a work crush.

Why is it that everyone assumes the man is lying? Many many marriages are just as op describes and effectively over for years before an official separation because nice people don’t want to give up on their marriage unless really necessary. So although it may seem as though people are rushing into a new relationship after their marriage ends in reality it may really have been years since they felt loved and cared for. I know because this was me. I am very recently separated and have “rushed” into a serious relationship with someone I met only 3 months post separation. But actually my marriage was over a very long time ago so it doesn’t feel like rushing at all. I just would never have cheated on my husband and so would never have looked before actually separating but once husband had moved out I suddenly felt free and single and am loving falling in love again.

So OP I say if it feels right then go for it.

They 're not, they saying wait as there are other people's feeling to consider. He's not even left the home and he's had a crush on op or something? Sounds flakey.

Also why can't anyone be alone, it's so unhealthy to rush from one person to another.

This has got disaster written all over it.

Sounds like he doesn't like to be on his own and has got you lined up.

In 2 years time when the honeymoon period has ended...Step mam Hannah, will be cleaning his house, washing his clothes, helping him through his divorce, seeing to his kids wishing she listened to everyone on Mumsnet.

@toobusytothink I hear what you're saying, but even in those circumstances, you'd exercise caution, particularly if you were going through a divorce and had smalll children. The trauma of that has meant I have been single for 6 years now...no way could I have stepped into a relationship after a few months. Am just about considering it now...but have a FWB and frankly that is enough.

Really? What if genuinely both parties wanted to divorce because they really were unhappy and then one finds happiness with someone else. It doesn’t have to mean the whole step family thing straight away but a bit of good company, sex and kid free fun won’t hurt anyone. Then if it turns into something more serious then those conversations can be had.

@toobusytothink That may well be the case....but OP is clearly very invested in this and should step back IMO. I still maintain it's a mistake and she should back off until he's actually "available" because that isn't actually clear at this stagge

I was Mr Separation going through divorce last year. I'm not completely done yet, but most is.

After about 10-12 weeks of being separated, I'd started putting myself out there and had a few dates. I met someone very special to me and fell for her badly. She's been very patient as I get over my shit. I don't mean emotions crap, as I'd been grieving my XW relationship for years and years. It ain't easy, but it's absolutely worth it with the right person.

I would go for it.

Life is short. Happiness is hard to come by. What’s the worst that could happen...you end up getting hurt? I think it’s worth the risk.

If their marriage has been over for a while I would go for it but keep some boundaries whilst he moves, gets a new routine set up with the kids and starts the divorce.

Keeping things in your terms for a while will give you the chance to watch how things play out and whether you then want to commit. A bit of watching and waiting is good in these circumstances.

My close friend and his wife are separated in the same house before Christmas. She has already started dating. Their marriage has been over for several years.

Every situation is different, key thing is about what you want, your choice and on what terms.

I am not sure I want children of my own, I am in the fence and definitely not something I see in my immediate future.

Can you define immediate? Because if the relationship works out you will effectively become a step parent, with his children partially living with you both. And at least every other weekend he will have parenting responsibilities, and possibly during the week also.

I think id focus more on do you wish this responsibility in the next couple of years, more than if the timing is right.

Hmm, my (soon to be) ex DH got into a relationship 3 months after we separated. We had been together for 13 years.

It was assumed by most people that she was the OW, I don’t think she was but I might be wrong.

She had to cope with becoming an “instant stepmum” to three children. The teenager took an instant dislike to her.

My MIL etc were all very frosty to her. They continued to invite me and the DC to family events, and not her, for some time.

I have always been perfectly polite - but she did try to involve herself in some disputes between me and DH, to do with child contact, maintenance etc. She was witness to arguments that we had on the phone, she had to lend DH money when he was pleading poverty.

Apparently she found it hard when I phoned him up as she thought I contacted him too much. She resented it when he had to “help” me by taking a child to school when the others were sick etc. When we took our DD out for a birthday meal that she asked us both to go to...

I’m not sure what this woman expected though. We had only JUST split up and no-one, including the children had time to adjust to the new normal. There is bound to be a period that is difficult during a divorce. Two years later we are still not divorced and my ex has told her it is because I haven’t signed the divorce papers (that is not bloody true 😂)

I’d think carefully if I were you, about the kind of man he is, it is really thoughtless towards his children that he focusing on you at the moment, instead of providing stability for the children.

Being a step parent is VERY hard. You say you’re on the fence with wanting your own DC, yet you’re considering being a step parent

Once the ‘romance’ has worn off, you may see things quite differently.

Also, my ex DH has the younger children every other weekend and one night in the week. Not extra during holidays.

But his girlfriend (no DC of her own) is “exhausted” by being “a busy stepmum” (her words, not mine.) Think carefully about this man’s children and if you want to be the one helping to bring them up.

I was you.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't get involved but I didn't have Mumsnet back in the day!

I was 100% in my prime. I had a great job, my own home, car, lots of friends, lots of male interest, etc. I ended up wasting several years waiting for him to commit. He never did. He worked long hours. His kids came first and he never quite let go of his wife. She didn't want him back but if she did, he would have been there like a shot. The whole situation had a very negative effect on me.

By the time I got shot of him I was mid 30s. It took me a couple of years to meet DH. We got married fairly quickly but have never had children (never happened).

At 30, if you want to get married and have kids you need to find someone who has the potential to commit to that quickly (i.e. no baggage). Time marches on. Do not waste time waiting for someone who probably won't want to give you that commitment any time soon.

Also, the age gap might not seem a lot at this age but keep this in mind. I work with older people and there are vast differences between 65 year olds and 77 year olds.

As for stressedoutpa

I waited for him to sort himself out post separation and then found out I have insurance cancer at 33. I don't blame any else for my choices, and I am actually really relieved NOT to have had DC as that would make all this a gazillion times worse, but it has been really difficult and he hasn't been able to support me because of the demands of his family.

Obviously that's an extreme situation but life has a way of coming up with curve balls, so you need to live on your timescale not someone else's.

why do people assume dad is even going to want her to play step mum or introduce her to the kids?

ExH and I have been separated nearly 2 years and I am only just tentatively thinking about maybe starting some kind of casual relationship with someone.

I have NO intention of introducing anyone to my kids for a long time and am certainly not looking for a step parent for them.

OP, in my opinion I would at least cool the immediacy of falling head over heels into this until he's moved out and settled into some kind of routine. The upheaval of that is likely to make things very messy.

By all means, be there, be a friend, but dial back the lovey stuff until his boats stopped rocking quite so much.

Folf I hope you're right. It just seems a bit much when he's so emotionally involved and hasn't even moved out. Plus him living in the same village as kids and ex will be tricky unless he always sees OP at hers

@HannahBanana33, are you coming back to the thread?

It may sound as if we are all negative and cynical but I was similarly naive when Ex had a first wife.. believed the "grown apart" story since that can happen. He pursued me and I ensured we did not get together until divorce done. I was still naive as I trusted people. Are you known for being tender hearted?
Looking back I realise he showed no compassion to his Ex. Guess what, after the love bombing he became abusive, just disagreeable about everything. He would say we grew apart.

Know your worth..do you have your own place, good job etc? Be warned he might be looking for a soft place to fall. Often it is unconscious with these characters, he just can't be alone and will do or say anything to get together with another person. Do you feel you and him are so similar, if so watch out as that is warning behaviour.

Often it is unconscious with these characters, he just can't be alone and will do or say anything to get together with another person. Do you feel you and him are so similar, if so watch out as that is warning behaviour

Yes! This whole soulmates etc thing. I didn't know that was a common pattern- should do some reading

I agree with the posters above, look at the compassion someone gives their wife and kids. If he is compassionate he can wait a bit. If not, then wonder how you might be treated when the dopamine wears off.

Good luck op.

why do people assume dad is even going to want her to play step mum or introduce her to the kids?

Because generally people wish to live together when a relationship becomes serious and generally the parent wishes partial custody of their kids, so this means them coming to stay in their home. It is very very difficult to never meet children who live with you fifty percent of the time and have no responsibility or interaction with them. In fact it's impossible. So unless they are both happy to never live together and only ever see each other two weekends a month or whatever, then it is highly likely the children will play a part in their relationship if it becomes serious.