Dating a man who is going through a separation?

[HannahBanana33]

Hi all, I am a regular here but I have NCed as I am concerned I might out myself. I would love to hear some opinions on my current situation from the wise people of Mumsnet. Apologies for the long post head!

I have known this man for a few years. We work for the same company and also our social circles overlap so we have several mutual friends. We have always got on very very well on a friendly level. If I have to be entirely honest, I have always thought he was really lovely and attractive, but as I said he was married so I never allowed my mind to cross any lines. We were just work friends who socialised in the same group of colleagues.

3 months ago he and his wife mutually decided to separate, after unsuccessfully trying to work on their marriage for over 2 years. Apparently they grew apart, changed and they don't make each other happy anymore. He says there hasn't been much emotional or psychological closeness between them for a long time. They have 2 DC and have been together for 16 years, married for 6. They are early 40s. I am 30, single and no DC.

Two months later (6 weeks ago) he confessed to me that he had been having a crush on me for ages and that his feelings towards me went beyond friendship. He said he was going through the delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage so his situation was complicated. However in a couple of months he was going to move out and be on his own, and he was hoping we could get to know each other on a romantic level and explore the possibility of a relationship.

I was very surprised at first, but I quickly realised that I felt the same towards him. Since then we have been in touch every single day and we have spent some time alone together (coffee, lunches and drinks), and it is absolutely blissful. He says he has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same about him. We have a wonderful connection, it feels like we just "click" and get each other. I am usually not a very romantic or emotional person, but he has truly blown me away and I feel like I am very involved with this guy.

We haven't slept together yet, as we both agreed we want to wait until he moves out from his family home before taking that step. He is actively looking for a flat in the village where his family home is (to be able to see his DC regularly) and he is hoping to move out in the next 4 - 6 weeks.

Before anyone suggests he is not really separated from his wife and he is lying to me, I know he is for certain. As I said, we share many mutual friends and several people confirmed his story.

While this thing between us makes me really happy at the moment, I know the common advice is not to date people recently separated, as they are emotionally unstable and have a lot of baggage. I know the sensible thing to do would be to tell him to sort his separation out first and get back in touch with me when that is done, but I am finding the idea of doing that really hard. I just want to be there for him and support him during this difficult period of his life. He has already brought so much joy to my life and I believe me to his.

On the other hand, I don't want to end up hurt myself because he is a loose cannon. He says he wants to be with me but of course he could change his mind once the upheaval of his separation has calmed down.

What should I do? Should I tell him to stop contacting me until he is in a more stable situation? Is it mad to support him in this capacity while he goes through the separation? I am at loss on how to navigate this tricky situation.

Thanks!

Yes, Ex-DP wasn't very kind to his wife looking back. She was always trying to 'screw him over' on the money front.

It's worth listening very carefully to people. They will tell you who you are. Expect to be treated the same.

And I should have added, it is worth thinking this throug when you start a relationship with someone who is a parent. If you both agree it is simply friends with benefits and will never be more than casual. Fair enough, but anyone who gets involved with someone with kids should think through what they wish long term before they become too emotionally involved.

was 100% in my prime. I had a great job, my own home, car, lots of friends, lots of male interest, etc. I ended up wasting several years waiting for him to commit. He never did. He worked long hours. His kids came first and he never quite let go of his wife. She didn't want him back but if she did, he would have been there like a shot. The whole situation had a very negative effect on me.

This happens so regularly that I’d be very cautious and if it was my dd I’d be having a frank conversation

Don't settle for someone ten years older who is going through a separation. If you want kids, it is so much easier to do it without an ex wife and stepkids in the mix. They will frequently come before you and any kids you might have together, why choose that.

He also needs to completely disentangle himself from his current relationship and spend some time on his own for his own good.

You are not doing yourself or him any favours.

My mother told me to never date separated men. Unless they're officially divorced they are still legally married. The truth is often they're not emotionally separated and that isn't fair on you.

It's also a good point about you being in your prime, a 'good catch' if you like, whereas he's really not. Even if he's gorgeous, funny, solvent and kind he's got more baggage right now than Kim Kardashian and his solvency is going to be sorely tested over the next few years as he and his ex split their finances 50:50.

You're at an age where you don't want to waste time on a no-hope relationship. At 30 you need to think about what you want long-term - and I'm guessing that supporting a guy who's more than 10 years older than you through a divorce that's likely to take at least two years, who already has kids and a STBXW who will probably hate you when she finds out about you really isn't it.

The thing is you will get carried away with all the excitement of a new relationship and a lot of the negatives you won’t understand/appreciate until you are in the thick of it even though people are warning you.

I would at least wait until he moved out and gets his own place, my partner and I are splitting up, but we both agree it would be a bit weird to date other people while we are still living together.

OP you effectively are the OW at the moment, I hope you realise it?

"delicate process of untangling himself from his marriage " - only a man would say something like that . He will NEVER be untangles from that marriage because he has children . It will ALWAYS affect your life . I am much older than you and have ended up with a "second family" shall we say and it is no fun at times.

TBH I would be very wary of someone who is ready to jump into a new relationship as soon as he has . You are 30 - give yourself a chance at an easier life .

@HannaBanana33 didn't hear what she wanted to (mills and boon romance) so has left the building

Hello everyone, sorry for my late reply but I can't log in on the mobile app and I have been out and about until now.

To be honest, the harsh replies do not surprise me at all. That is exactly what I would comment as well. A PP asked me if I am normally very trusting and "vulnerable" to a man's affections, and in fact I am the exact opposite. I am very rational and cynical and untrusting. I hope I do not sound super arrogant in saying so, but I have never been short of male attention so a man trying to "woo" me is not something I am not used to.

That is partially why this man has blown me away so much, because of my reaction to him. He makes me feel understood and safe, with him I can be 100% myself which is rare for me. I just want to be around him, his presence makes me happy.

In the last few years I have done everything "by the book": pulling back on emotional involvement, spotting red flags, guarding my heart, thinking long-term, getting out as soon as I sensed things weren't perfect and so on. I have not found one ounce of happiness following this safe and rational approach to my love life, just a never ending slog of meaningless dating that never made me feel anything.

I agree with you all, it is stupid and a mess. I will most likely get hurt. Why can't I pull back then, even though I perfectly see how unwise this is? My mind is telling me this can never work, but my heart stubbornly refuses to bend.

At the least then op, wait until he has left home.

As for PP that asked about his children and being a step-mum.

Of course I understand that down the line that will arise. However I do not expect that to present itself for at least a year or two, while his DC get used to their parents being separated. We agreed that our relationship (once it begins properly) will have to be kept discreet for a minimum of 6 months to a year, to make sure it doesn't rock the boat with his ex-wife and DC. So even though we haven't even remotely discussed me meeting his DC yet, I don't think he will want to introduce me to them anytime soon.

This will give us time to get to know each other and establish if the relationship has the potential to last. If it doesn't, then it will end way before I meet his kids. If in a year or two we are together, that means the relationship has long-term potential and at that stage I face the whole "meeting the kids" situation.

Surely you can wait 6 months until he has moved out and things are ore settled regardless of how you feel? The feelings will still be there in 6 months if they are real.

Also remember he's older and has had 16 years of knowing what to do so it would be very easy to make you feel understood and safe.

He is 5 mins into a separating from not just his wife, but his family unit. Think about that. He hasnt even begun to fully live through it and process all the changes of a new life yet wants to jump into a new relationship. Hes living at home with his family, regardless of what he tells you.

I would not get into such a situation. Quite possibly you are a distraction from a very life changing decision. Walk away.

Here's a possibility for the reason he seems so unworldishly perfect for you:

He's mirroring you, OP. You're falling in love with a mirror, a mask, YOURSELF. He's reflecting to you the things you want in a partner, similarities to you, your lifestyle, your preferences, your opinions, so you will become enraptured.

Occasionally you'll catch a glimpse of something unsavory, feel doubtful, but he'll lovebomb you out of it.

At some point, when he feels like he has you stuck (pregnancy, perhaps), he'll allow the mask to drop. Too late for you, you'll realise that the whole thing was a mirage and that the man you fell in love with was a figment, conjured, utterly non-existent.

Then you'll coparent with a malevolent stranger.

Be very wary of this one.

So you need time to get to know each other? How do you both know you are so perfect for each other?

@PicsInRed yeah I've been through that, i'ts kind of creepy and not love.

Not with a man going through this by the way but a man that sensed vulnerability in me and wanted a distraction from his own life. Didn't get anywhere as I knew what he was doing.

By “discreet” does he mean keep you secret? As in, you will have to be a secret so it doesn’t rock the boat with anyone who will tell his ex?

Be very careful OP

There is something a bit unsettling about what you are describing, especially the bit where you work together. From the outside it sounds like you are being reeled in...To what (rebound relationship/ separation crutch/younger replacement/ childcare help) you don't know and neither can you because whatever his future self is cannot be clear until he leaves the marriage. Be very careful of things that seem too good to be true OP....it reads like he's flattering you into not noticing how much he's putting his needs above yours.

Hi OP I've been on the other side of this. I was in a long marriage (now ended) and before I had found a new place to live, formed a close friendship where there was huge sexual chemistry with someone I'd know for years (they were divorced but I knew them before that too.) I thought it was going somewhere and was looking to move out and rent, and of course they were in the background.
They pulled back and said it wouldn't work as I'd need time alone and time to work on my feelings post-divorce, as they had. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but I guess it was wise.

I know you say you were friends and colleagues before his marriage hit the buffers, but it could also be you are not the first woman he's been attracted to, and he may be leaving because he thinks the grass is greener. It puts a lot of responsibility on you and if it doesn't work out you will both be hurt, but the odds are he will go back to his wife and kids, when he sees the grass is not always greener.

I think you should cool it and see where he is in 6 months, if he's left and how things work out with his feelings for his family by then.

Oh god, that’s even worse: he’ll be going around with everyone sympathising with him for the break up of his marriage and all the time he’ll be having secret shags with his new younger model.

His ex will be thinking, “He’s got a bit of a spring in his step and a sparkle in his eye, is he that happy to have got rid of me?”

She’ll be in the family home with the children dealing with the fallout while he’s all loved up in his new bachelor pad.

It’s just not very decent of him.

Only you can make this choice BUT he's showing you who is and it's not who you think it is.

I was you. I was 28 and he was separating and we started our relationship. I was young and naive. He poured every ounce into me to avoid the hard feelings that come from a divorce. But if you don't process them they come back later. There's no cheap way out. Because he was all loved up with me he didn't have to be in touch with the pain of his DC.

This man isn't an emotionally available father. This isn't a man who is separating with respect from a woman who has given him 16 years of her life. He needs to reassure himself he's still a good guy. And you make him feel that way. He can shower you in love and you give it back. It's easy. And it's reaffirming for a fundamentally insecure immature man. Don't be fooled OP. If he's legit pull all the way back and have him call you when he's not living there. When he's been there for his kids. When his life is stable. You're young. You have it all to give and he has it all to take.