I've made a mess and don't know what to do next.

[TheyKnewIWasTrouble]

NC for obvious reasons.

Many moons ago, my childhood sweetheart and I broke up in our early 20s. We still had 3 months on our tenancy and in that time managed to conceive DD.

I was made redundant and moved in with my parents 100 miles away, and he moved back too. Things weren't good. We fought mercilessly. When DD was 4 months, he started a relationship with an old friend. I cut her off immediately - a mix of jealousy and ruthless PND. They're now married with a kid of their own. He's maintained regular contact with DD, but the wife and child have never met DD. It’s an awkward arrangement, but DD (now a tween) has a brilliant relationship with her dad. He also provides very generous financial support.

But… we never stopped sleeping together. We sometimes stop for 6 months or a year. We sneak around and obviously, DD has no idea. I also have a partner of three years.

Recently his wife has been contacting me. I just ignore her.

Oh, and my period is 2 weeks late. I’m almost 40 and should know better.

Hey shit happens 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think it’s the end of the world though.
If you want an abortion then crack on with it as the later you leave the harder it’ll likely be, if you don’t want one then don’t have one.

To read some of the deeply unhelpful, pious bollocks on this thread, you’d think that never before in history had such a dreadful breach of morality taken place. Get over yourselves for fucksake.

You fucked up, OP. You are human. Humans fuck up sometimes. The worst thing you could do right now is panic. Stay calm. Try to work through your options.

First, do you want a termination? That would solve a lot of problems, but I think if that were your preference you’d have gone and made an appointment rather than posting on here.

So, what about keeping the baby? Think about the dates when you had sex with each of your partners. Who seems the more likely, going on dates?

If you can afford it, I liked a PP’s suggestion that you go for a scan that can pinpoint the age of the foetus early on.

I’ve never been in your position, thank god, but I’ve been responsible for a fair few fuckups in my time, so I wish you well, and I hope it all works out for you (it always has for me, and I’m nobody special).

You need to get urgent medical attention. Being pregnant with a mirena coil in poses a significant risk of ectopic pregnancy.

Going back to the maths - the man you call your current partner (of 3 years) came along as your DD started puberty?

1. Terminate. You don’t want svother child, you can’t gave one for health reasons, and you’re in a shitstorm of a position of your own making. So just terminate.

1. Start working out how you explain to your daughter why you kept her sibling from her

1. Obviously, stop fucking your ex

1. Split up kindly with your boyfriend who you don’t give a shit about. And don’t have the cheek to call him a partner! Quite apart from the fact you don’t even like with him, you’re fucking around on her - that’s not a partnership That’s pretty shit parenting to introduce your child to a boyfriend you’re just using, too.

1. Just generally - sort yourself the fuck out.

@Confusedalarms
To read some of the deeply unhelpful, pious bollocks on this thread, you’d think that never before in history had such a dreadful breach of morality taken place. Get over yourselves for fucksake.

You fucked up, OP. You are human. Humans fuck up sometimes. The worst thing you could do right now is panic. Stay calm. Try to work through your options.

Yeah, people fuck up, but not constantly, and with no qualms, OP has been cheating with her ex for more than 10 years (dd is now a tween) and doesnt seem to care about the effect on his partner, her daughter her own partner.

At no point does the OP say she realises this is not a good way to live, in fact, i dont even know what she is trying to gain from this thread. I dont care how you live your life, and we have (probably) all done stuff we are not proud of, but frankly, at some point in your life, you look at yourself from the outside and think WTF am i doing?

Do what you like, so long as it doesnt hurt anyone else, thats my philosphy, but the OP doesnt give a shit

@wobblywindows Why is that relevant?

Stop sleeping with both men. Neither are fulfilling your needs.

Cheating on your partner with a married man for 10 years is not a little fuckup that everyone has. It's being consistently selfish and cruel for an extended period of time and deserves no sympathy. It doesn't even sound as though the OP had / has any intention of stopping.

Let's not forget, as well as the OPs daughter, this man also has another innocent child at home with his wife that no one has given a fuck about.

I've 'fucked up' in my life yes. Not like this though. And I've always owned my mistakes and not expected sympathy for them when it wasn't deserved.

And the posters suggesting raising this baby as if it's OPs partners are awful. How cruel is that for not only OPs partner if they were to ever find out the possible truth but for the child as well.

If you're going to keep this baby OP there is no way to do that decently without owning up as well.

Fuck ups are subjective aren’t they - compared to the mess some people I work with get themselves into this is nothing.

And stop with the maths - Lots of posters change ages / sex of their children and their age / location / job to prevent outing themselves - who wouldn’t the way the press steal stuff off her - it doesn’t change the facts so just stop with all the trying to catch the OP out, it’s ridiculous.

Fuck ups are subjective aren’t they - compared to the mess some people I work with get themselves into this is nothing

Virtually nothing you can compare this to makes it nothing

Let's ask ex partner how she feels about her DP having sex with his ex for 10 fucking years!?! Let's see if she agrees it's nothing?

And what exactly does the OP want from this thread? Cos I'm fucked if I can work it out? Is there a question there?

shadowmare but the ex’s partner isn’t writing this is she? The OP is - her problem is thstnshe’s pregnant, doesn’t know who the father is - that’s not an uncommon situation and not the worse thing you can imagine.

OP, what are you going to do now?

The OP wouldn't be in this position if her and dirty bastard hadn't been both screening over the wife for years. So yes, its part of it.

but the ex’s partner isn’t writing this is she? The OP is

I'll make sure to remember that we aren't allowed to call an OP for shitting all over someone else next time I see a thread on here because it's not the other person writing this.

The wife isn't writing this because she likely doesn't know her husband is a cheating scum bag. If she were writing it everyone would be supporting her and calling the OW and her ex no problem.

I'm sure you wouldn't be telling her it was nothing then.

I'm certainly not going to judge you for your sex life. I reckon you should get thee to an abortion clinic quick though. That's the priority. Time doesn't wait on that one. I also think it would be nice for your daughter to know her half sibling.

I am not saying it’s nothing but from the OPs perspective her problem isn’t that huge - the ex’s partner isn’t posting this, if she was as you say the OW would get a skating.

What gives people on here the right to metaphorically flagillate and pile on the OP - a grown woman, nearly 40 who has bought up a child on her own. The ex has not posted therefore why are people insisting on hugely projecting and being indignant on the anonymous ex’s behalf?

I'm not projecting. I've never been in the wife's position.

I can still appreciate how wrong this is though, I don't have to be a cheated on partner to understand how this could affect not only the partners of these two people but also the children involved who clearly the OP and their ex have not considered at all. All you have to do is look on this board to see how terribly these sorts of situations affect the wounded parties and posters are always very quick to call out the affair partners on those threads, why is it then wrong when it's on of the affair partners posting? Does it make it any less wrong what they are doing because they are the OP and not the wife?

The OP chose to share with us on an anonymous forum the details of her decade long affair with another woman's husband whilst she's in a relationship herself. I'd be surprised if anyone were shocked that she got unpleasant responses, she hasn't been a very pleasant person.

If the OP had said 'im pregnant but I'm not sure who the father is' I wouldn't have judged for a moment. The fact is, this situation has arisen due to a decade long affair with a married man and there are children involved too. She doesn't seem remorseful at all and she doesn't sound like she's planning on stopping either, people with have opinions on that.

being indignant on the anonymous ex’s behalf?

And if only people were more concerned about other people, the world would be a better place.

What gives people on here the right to metaphorically flagillate and pile on the OP - a grown woman, nearly 40 who has bought up a child on her own.

Yet despite being almost 40 and having brought up a child she is still fucking someone over.

Have you not read the thread. He practically lives there. She hasnt raised the child on her own.

I do judge OP. Have also stood up for her right to not want the pregnancy.

This has been going for at least 10 years. She knows he has a wife and child. I wouldn't look the other way of this was rl. Why would I here?

And she got with a man knowing she was sleeping with her ex.

I dont feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her child, the other child, the wife and her partner.

Going back to the maths - the man you call your current partner (of 3 years) came along as your DD started puberty?

WTAF?

So, no one with a child between 8 & 14 should get together with a new partner?

I dont feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her child, the other child, the wife and her partner.
Well that’s a jump, you have no reason to presume OP’s child is unhappy from the sound of it she gets input from both parents and is loved and cared for, as for the other kid who knows their parent hasn’t posted. The wife, well if you take up with the father of your good friends baby you might lose friends. Plus, she’s HIS wife not hers. As for the partner, well who knows? He might be perfectly happy in blissful ignorance and having a part time relationship that suits him. Not everyone wants to live ‘the dream’.

Not everyone wants to live ‘the dream’.

Pretty much nobody wants to love 'the lie' though

**live the lie