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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've made a mess and don't know what to do next.

215 replies

TheyKnewIWasTrouble · 22/03/2019 13:14

NC for obvious reasons.

Many moons ago, my childhood sweetheart and I broke up in our early 20s. We still had 3 months on our tenancy and in that time managed to conceive DD.

I was made redundant and moved in with my parents 100 miles away, and he moved back too. Things weren't good. We fought mercilessly. When DD was 4 months, he started a relationship with an old friend. I cut her off immediately - a mix of jealousy and ruthless PND. They're now married with a kid of their own. He's maintained regular contact with DD, but the wife and child have never met DD. It’s an awkward arrangement, but DD (now a tween) has a brilliant relationship with her dad. He also provides very generous financial support.

But… we never stopped sleeping together. We sometimes stop for 6 months or a year. We sneak around and obviously, DD has no idea. I also have a partner of three years.

Recently his wife has been contacting me. I just ignore her.

Oh, and my period is 2 weeks late. I’m almost 40 and should know better.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 22/03/2019 18:48

First decision then if you don't want a baby is to organise a termination. Sooner rather than later. Then when that's done, find a counsellor and get to grips with why you've done all this and what you want to do with your life now.

ahtellthee · 22/03/2019 19:07

Would you consider a termination as you have said you dont want to be pregnant?

You need to stop sleeping with your ex.

And what is his wife saying in her messages?

BercowsSilkTie · 22/03/2019 19:30

What an eggy puddingGrin

Frenchmontana · 22/03/2019 19:36

she obviously isn't sure what to do if she is posting for advice on a forum

Where did she ask for advice about the pregnancy? The only thing she has said is that she cant have it.

andinaaaandout · 22/03/2019 19:40

Well, you've both acted appallingly. But he has really excelled himself. When this comes out, he will have really fucked over one of his kids beyond words. Either his wife sticks with him and puts a stop to the arrangement your daughter has become used to, or she rightly divorces him and he likely loses even more time with his kid by her.

And even if it doesn't come out, you can't be considering keeping sleeping with him, or him spending evenings with you both, so what happens to his access to your DD then if she's never even been at his house so far?

andinaaaandout · 22/03/2019 19:42

To be fair, she's not asked for ANY advice. Just kind of put it all out there with the wife's contact and the pregnancy almost as an afterthought!

Original poster
TheyKnewIWasTrouble · 22/03/2019 20:58

I don't know what I thought this would achieve. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. And officially up the duff.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 22/03/2019 21:10

Yeah I thought you would be. So what are you going to do?

MrsTeaspoon · 22/03/2019 21:25

Oh deary! Well only you can decide if you want to keep the pregnancy; regardless I think it’s time you made some choices about the type of person you are/want to be from now, and act accordingly. We all do things we look back on and think “Why?” so don’t beat yourself up but you do need to think long and hard. Good luck.

Honeyroar · 22/03/2019 21:29

Well you’ve said you don’t want another baby (and it’s a shitty scenario to bring a baby into), so you know what to do. Then, if you’ve got any morals at all, leave your ex alone and set your poor boyfriend free to find someone who appreciates him (enough to not shag other people behind his back). Then get some counselling and try and un fuck up your head!

NotStayingIn · 22/03/2019 21:41

Oh no I'm sorry, hope you are OK. You'll have some tough decisions to make. It seems to me that you have two options: keep this quiet by having a termination, or be honest with everyone involved and put everything out in the open. If you decide to have the termination I would still suggest you break up with your partner and stop shagging the ex. Given all the lies and deceit involved with both men neither of these relationships are going to end well.

SandyY2K · 22/03/2019 21:53

Now the pregnancy is confirmed, you need to decide what to do.

As far as his wife is concerned, block her. If she has questions, she can ask her husband.

Personally I think she (and he) should've never got together. Of all the single people, getting with your friend's Ex or your Ex's friend is a place one shouldn't go IMO. So if I'm honest, I have no sympathy for the wife. Especially knowing you were pregnant and would always be in his life.

SleepWarrior · 22/03/2019 22:01

Is it your partner's baby?

If you can say no for sure then I would just end things with him and spare him the misery of all the grisly details. If it might be his then you need to come clean really.

Do have have any decent support for the pregnancy from anyone other than either of these two blokes?

SouthernComforts · 22/03/2019 23:02

Bet it's twins!

toddle · 23/03/2019 00:36

Do you know if it's likely to be your current partners or your ex (dd's dad).

I've had a friend In a slightly similar position she managed to go for a private scan early. Explain the circumstances and they figured categorically ruled out one of them. The difference in development is massive when small so they knew it couldn't possibly be 7 weeks it had to be 4/5 or something like that. An option if you need it to make any further decisions

AgentJohnson · 23/03/2019 05:15

I don't want my ex back. Ironically, we could never trust each other enough to be together again.

Then WTAF!

You don’t want him but you resent the fact that she has him. You and your ex have just pulled the pin on a grenade that will hurt your DD the most out of all the individuals concerned. Oh and not content with involving one child in your selfish games, you’ve gone and created another.

Hopefully, this mess of your own making will be a catalyst to sorting through whatever motivated you to behave in such a callous and selfish way.

Ellenborough · 23/03/2019 05:35

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

But you said you don't want it so that's your answer isn't it?

Good grief. Why on earth would you congratulate someone on a pregnancy they don't want and can't cope with? Hmm

Ellenborough · 23/03/2019 05:40

You didn't plan the PG

You don't want another baby.

You have a list of reasons for why it's a bad idea for you to go ahead with another baby.

You don't know who the father is.

Why is there even the need for a discussion here? What kind of attention and advice are you hoping for that is going to help this shit show in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER?

The time wasted on this thread is time you could be spending on getting on with a termination as quickly, cleanly and painlessly as possible for all concerned.

Birdie6 · 23/03/2019 06:01

Recently his wife has been contacting me. I just ignore her

Has it occurred to you that she knows about you and her husband ? .

Ellenborough · 23/03/2019 06:06

The biggest reason to terminate is that you don't know who the father is.

Option 1 is a married man with a family and Option 2 is someone you are clearly not very committed to or you wouldn't still be sleeping with Option 1.

What a depressing way for any child to have to start life - even if you did want to keep it.

Scott72 · 23/03/2019 06:20

Has it occurred to you that she knows about you and her husband?

I think that's a given. This is a very difficult situation. There's no point assigning blame now. Just I hope you can somehow work things out.

Zoflorabore · 23/03/2019 06:44

Where did op confirm the pregnancy!

Zoflorabore · 23/03/2019 06:44

Sorry should have been ? instead of !

swingofthings · 23/03/2019 07:04

I really don't get these threads! Another contraception failure that seem to affect mn posters at a ratio much higher than in real life.

If you really genuinely didn't want another child, you'd be on the phone today to book an abortion ASAP.

It sounds another case of getting close to 40 and broodiness knocking on the door and not caring much about how a pregnancy would affect 4 other persons who are going to be massively impacted by a baby in their lives.

Ellenborough · 23/03/2019 07:17

you took the words right out of my mouth swing

I always get a nagging feeling of 'the lady doth protest too much' on these threads. And when, after 20 pages of hand wringing over what to do, they say 'It's no good! I just can't go through with an abortion!' I think 'Well we could have told you that from the beginning. Why waste our time? Why not just be honest with yourself? Putting these threads on MN just smacks of trying to build evidence for when the shit hits the fan and you need to show the father/not father/whichever man you choose to lie to/your MM's wife how hard you wrangled over it all. Not. Hmm

Although if I'm wrong in this case I'll be delighted. Because no-one wants to have been born under crappy circumstances like these.

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