I've made a mess and don't know what to do next.

[TheyKnewIWasTrouble]

NC for obvious reasons.

Many moons ago, my childhood sweetheart and I broke up in our early 20s. We still had 3 months on our tenancy and in that time managed to conceive DD.

I was made redundant and moved in with my parents 100 miles away, and he moved back too. Things weren't good. We fought mercilessly. When DD was 4 months, he started a relationship with an old friend. I cut her off immediately - a mix of jealousy and ruthless PND. They're now married with a kid of their own. He's maintained regular contact with DD, but the wife and child have never met DD. It’s an awkward arrangement, but DD (now a tween) has a brilliant relationship with her dad. He also provides very generous financial support.

But… we never stopped sleeping together. We sometimes stop for 6 months or a year. We sneak around and obviously, DD has no idea. I also have a partner of three years.

Recently his wife has been contacting me. I just ignore her.

Oh, and my period is 2 weeks late. I’m almost 40 and should know better.

Tbh in rl and mn I am always sceptical of the 'contraception failure' line.

For example my aunt will say her son was a contraception failure. Except she was taking medication that she had been warned impacted the pill. That, to me, isn't a contraception failure. She was made aware and carried on anyway.

I know loads of women who also say they always forget to take theirs as though its not that important. Again, that wouldn't be a contraception failure.

There also seems to be a fair few threads where a woman had got pregnant, after her partner has said he doesnt want anymore kids and she is worried he will think she has done it in purpose. If I was him, I would think that.

And then there are people who just out and out lie.

But on mn theres usually some sort of dramatic background to it, which makes me think it's an opportunity for the woman to give the man an ultimatum.

I've heard it argued on here that taking a chance and not using your usual/preferred barrier method of contraception is a contraception failure.

No. That is a failure to use contraception. They aren't remotely the same thing.

what a mess! Why would you sleep with someone when they're with someone else and so are you? Does it make you feel powerful? Do you have so little self esteem that you don't value yourself more than this? And the wife? and your partner? You and the ex don't seem to have much moral fibre really.

Your daughter should know about her other family - I can't understand why she doesn't know. I didn't meet my half sibling until I was a teen ager. I was and am very angry with both my parents who knew.

I can't comment on the pregnancy. But I do know that you're not being fair on your partner, or your daughter.

I haven't rtft, but presume this will all come out in the open at some point, if you're pregnant. If your partners have been blissfully unaware there will be massive fall out. If it turns out you're not pregnant, I think you will have the chance to cover it all up and learn from it. You either continue with the relationship and part from your current partners, or you put a stop to this arrangement.

I'd read that book. I hope it's a book and not a real problem.

It's a bit odd that the wife and child have never met your dd. I see you are pregnant, and as you said his wife has been trying to contact you, she probably knows something. If she knows, there's no point in terminating if that was the reason behind the idea, so as to cover it all up. You have both/all got decisions to make. As for the pregnancy, only you can make that decision, and it is yours to make, and whatever you have done you still have that right.

Yes there seems to be a large number of women on this site who get pregnant by "accident". I believe if you really do t want a baby then you will make sure you don't get pregnant. Myself and dh were together 5 years without accident. It is doable. And five yeas since our dd we are again without accident!!
I wonder do these women spare any thought for the child they are bringing into these relationships.
Also Op why hasn't your dd not met her siblings? I find it very strange that she would not want to meet them.

The maths doesn't add up. Why so vague?
Early twenties - so 23 at most
Tween - so not yet term, 12 at most
Nearly 40
23+12 = 25. Not nearly 40.
Give us the actual ages and it will sound more plausible.

Will you resume your sexual relationship with your affair partner/father of your DD after your abortion ? Or will you end your relationship with him. You won't, will you ?

Will you continue to have sex with your partner now you are pregnant with your affair partner's child ? (What makes you so sure it's not your partner's baby.)

Will you keep the abortion secret from your affair partner / partner / Daughter / Relatives / Friends ?

What happens when this situation occurs again and you, once again, don't know who the father is ?

If your daughter finds out you are pregnant, she might be upset that you aborted her brother or sister. Is this what this is really all about ? A full sibling for your daughter ?

Do you miss having a baby to hold now your daughter is a teenager ?

Just think, if both men find out you are pregnant, you can keep them both dangling.

Anyone got Jeremy Kyle's phone number ?

Look on the bright side. If your daughter falls pregnant soon, you can both be pregnant at the same time. That would validate you, wouldn't it ?

Okay OP.

First question - do you actually want to be pregnant? If your answer is no, then you need to arrange a termination.

You need to immediately stop sleeping with your ex. You can't undo what has been done but you can stop doing it. I just feel sorry for his wife who has been lied to all of this time.

Then you need to break up with your partner. It's cruel to have been sleeping with your ex behind his back for 3 years, and you say he's a good guy so he doesn't deserve this. Let him go so he can find someone who actually treats him well.

@3in4years....The maths doesn't add up. Why so vague?
Early twenties - so 23 at most
Tween - so not yet term, 12 at most
Nearly 40
23+12 = 25. Not nearly 40.
Give us the actual ages and it will sound more plausible.

You might want to give the maths another go yourself!

@Zoflorabore she confirmed it at 8:58pm

ToEarlyForDecorations

My daughter is a child and that's one of the darkest things anyone has said about either of us.

Contraception fails. I had my Mirena coil fitted 3 years ago because I don't want any more kids but due to other health complications wouldn't be suited to sterilisation.

It's nice when people on the Internet aren't shitty

It's nice when people don't cheat on their partners and sleep with a married man behind his wife's back but you didn't seem to care so much about being shitty then...

You have acted despicably and I feel sorry for your daughter, partner, your ex's wife and their innocent child too! Absolutely selfish and any consequences that are now arising have been purely of your own making.

If you can't have another baby and own up to your actions then have a termination.

Do not pretend it's your partners child or any of the other suggestions here. That would be one of the most evil things you could possibly do.

Have the baby, own what you have done and accept the consequences of that or don't have the baby.

@TheyKnewIWasTrouble

Are you going to explain why your daughter hasn't met her step mother and half sibling? Does she know they even exist?

I think the more important reason not to have another child is all the problems that you are experiencing in raising the child you already have. As you cannot put her needs first you should not even be considering bringing another child into this mess.

Regardless of this thread, to anyone who thinks if a woman definitely doesn't want to get pregnant won't is wrong. Unless of course you don't have sex. That is the only way to guarantee you don't.

@ToEarlyForDecorations
What sort of weird comment is that? What an odd thing to say about a child.

No one said contraception never fails.

But do doubt the amount of failures from people I know in rl and posts on mn.

Mirena, for example, has a 0.7% failure rate over the 5 years. So you were extremely unlucky. Mirena failures are usually accompanied by physical symptoms. Such as periods returning to how they were before mirena. Especially 3 years in. In the first months you can be all over the place. But 3 years, your period should be lighter, if they start getting heavier or breast soreness comes back...its a sign it not working. Also if you cant locate the strings (advice is to check once per month) it could not be effective.

So failure rate is tiny and yet I have seen loads of threads on mn claiming mirena failure rate. Add in that you only have (on qverage) around a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month. It seems to me, to be very unlikely that everyone claiming mirena failure, but checked their strings every month and kept a watch for other symptoms (so followed the advice) is actually being honest.

Yes it fails. But not in the numbers it seems.

I am not saying you are not one of the unlucky ones. It was statement in general.

I don’t believe half the people on MN who claim they’ve had a ‘contraception failure’!
They’ve either not used any at all or know that there is a chance it will not work due to other factors eg.?The Pill and vomiting bugs, They won’t admit it due to the torrid of abuse they may receive on MN.

Also if the OP has the mirena coil then surely there’s a danger to the developing foetus.

My partner and l had huge problems having a longed for child. Makes me sad that it comes so easily and casually to some people. Can't help feeling that life really is unfair when l read threads like this.

What a lot of holier than thou judgemental posts - OP admits it’s a mess, she doesn’t need the public flogging.

OP - how long have you been with your partner? Is it serious - you don’t live together but were there plans to? You are obviously still carrying a torch for your ex given the years the sexual relationship has been going after separation and throughout him meeting somewhere else, getting married etc.

Who would your dates suggest the father is?

Who would your dates suggest the father is?

I don't think the OP really cares. Could be another bloke altogether.