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Original poster

I've made a mess and don't know what to do next.

215 replies

TheyKnewIWasTrouble · 22/03/2019 13:14

NC for obvious reasons.

Many moons ago, my childhood sweetheart and I broke up in our early 20s. We still had 3 months on our tenancy and in that time managed to conceive DD.

I was made redundant and moved in with my parents 100 miles away, and he moved back too. Things weren't good. We fought mercilessly. When DD was 4 months, he started a relationship with an old friend. I cut her off immediately - a mix of jealousy and ruthless PND. They're now married with a kid of their own. He's maintained regular contact with DD, but the wife and child have never met DD. It’s an awkward arrangement, but DD (now a tween) has a brilliant relationship with her dad. He also provides very generous financial support.

But… we never stopped sleeping together. We sometimes stop for 6 months or a year. We sneak around and obviously, DD has no idea. I also have a partner of three years.

Recently his wife has been contacting me. I just ignore her.

Oh, and my period is 2 weeks late. I’m almost 40 and should know better.

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 22/03/2019 16:22

Step 1 has got to be find out if you are pregnant or not.

IMHO Step 2 has got to be to end things with your partner and stop messing him around any more. You can't love him if you are still sleeping with your ex, so he deserves to be set free to find someone who will love and appreciate him.

Step 3 decide what to do about the ex. Do you want to be with him? Does he want to be with you? He strikes me as someone who "wants to have his cake and eat it". His poor wife. I would strongly suggest some counselling/therapy to help you through all this and work it all out.

Starch · 22/03/2019 16:27

God rather you than me love, sounds like a right shitshow.

Frenchmontana · 22/03/2019 16:28

Fucking a married man has worked for you so far?

Well then that's ok. Forget that you have 2 kids whose lives are being fucked up. Wonder how well it will work for them when all this comes out?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 22/03/2019 16:37

Is the wife your old friend or his? I think she needs to know about your relationship. It’s really not fair on her.

No idea about the possible pregnancy, except find out pronto. I guess you will want to keep it. In which case your DD needs to know that she will have a brother or sister. And be honest from then on.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 22/03/2019 16:38

That’s nice dear.

Ellenborough · 22/03/2019 16:43

I don't want another baby. I have a disability, a small house and plans for when DD flies the nest. We use contraception.

Right. Well it's simple then. First check to see if you are PG. There is a good chance you won't be if you've been using BC. IF you are PG then have a termination. Surely this is very straightforward - you don't want a baby and you are not in a great position to be having a baby. So why all the drama and the hand wringing?

All the other stuff is irrelevant background nonsense and it really does sound like the plot of a chick lit book.

Marlena1 · 22/03/2019 16:47

A termination is not "very straightforward" and maybe should require a bit more thought.

Frenchmontana · 22/03/2019 16:49

A termination is not "very straightforward" and maybe should require a bit more thought.

If you dont want and/or cant have another baby. It actually is quite straight forward.

higgyhog · 22/03/2019 16:49

It sounds like the lifestyle of a 19th century bohemian artist. I certainly won't judge, or even have a raised eyebrow as my life has been at least as complicated. Ellenborough is right, you need to decide about the baby - well to find out if there even is a baby - then the rest of life will fall back into place.

Tistheseason17 · 22/03/2019 16:51

You don't really want your ex.
You just want to hurt the ex friend who he left you for and think you are "winning". Not sure I'd want to win your cheating ex...

Just remember - it is your ex and you that are being crappy here. At least you had split with your ex before he set up with your old friend. You are the one who has caused the crossover at all times. You state you were still sleeping with him after you broke up and continued to when he was with his wife.

Your ex is not nice and does not really want you, but you are allowing this to keep happening.

Have you even thought about what your DD might be seeing? She will think it is normal for men to treat women appallingly and a woman to allow it to happen.

I hope this is a false alarm and a wake up call for you.

Marlena1 · 22/03/2019 16:54

No, straightforward would have been preventing pregnancy. Not everyone thinks terminations are the only option.

Deadringer · 22/03/2019 16:59

I can smell the bullshit from here.

Frenchmontana · 22/03/2019 17:00

No, straightforward would have been preventing pregnancy. Not everyone thinks terminations are the only option.

What's the other option? She cant and doesnt want to have the baby?

Unfortunately preventing a pregnancy, isnt straight forward. Which is why some women find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.

Prettyvase · 22/03/2019 17:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

But you said you don't want it so that's your answer isn't it?

Some people like the drama, secrecy and all the shenanigans that go with it. Makes life exciting.

Marlena1 · 22/03/2019 17:13

She didn't plan her first and that worked out Smile

IncrediblySadToo · 22/03/2019 17:31

What contraception are you using? Are you using condoms with one, both or neither?

ie is one more likely to be the father than the other?

Why hasn’t DD met the wife & child? Not that it’s important to your question, I’m just curious as to why really. Other than the fact she was a friend who betrayed you & you don’t want her around your DD. [‘Separated’ or not, fucking your friends partner/recently ex partner is a shitty thing to do.]. It’s weird your Ex has gone along with that though.

What is the wife asking you?

If you don’t want to have a baby, then the sooner you organise a termination the better. IF you’re pregnant of course 🤪. I had the odd missed one in my late 30’s.

Hopefully you’re not pregnant and can then decide what you want to do going forward.

SoupDragon · 22/03/2019 17:32

She didn't plan her first and that worked out

She wasn't cheating on her partner with a married father-of-one then.

Marlena1 · 22/03/2019 17:38

No she was single and had to move back homeHmm

Calzone · 22/03/2019 17:46

Blimey.......

It’s so grim, I actually believe it......

Whilst I couldn’t do this to my lovely husband, I bet it’s quite exciting having this sort of affair.

🤷🏼‍♀️

But it’s grim.

Frenchmontana · 22/03/2019 17:47

No she was single and had to move back home

And some people wouldn't want to do it again.

Besides which, what's your issue? If OP says she cant do it again, that's entirely her choice. No one is saying you have to do it.

TacoLover · 22/03/2019 17:54

Your poor DP, poor wife, and poor kids. You really couldn't just keep your clothes on could youHmm unbelievably selfish.

Marlena1 · 22/03/2019 18:00

I don't remember saying she had to do anything, I just said there are other options.

Frenchmontana · 22/03/2019 18:04

@Marlena1 she has said she cant and doesnt want to have it. You should just respect that. Not keep posting that, that's not the case.

Why do you keep posting, if you dont think she should do something else?

oneforthepain · 22/03/2019 18:04

You have an incredibly odd idea of what breaking up with someone means.

And you two are responsible for teaching this poor child about healthy relationships? She doesn't stand a chance.

If you don't want a baby, then why is it necessary to share such a backstory?

Do you actually recognise how abnormal this all is?

Marlena1 · 22/03/2019 18:08

@frenchmontana she obviously isn't sure what to do if she is posting for advice on a forum