Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to not feel angry about PORN

184 replies

Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:27

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

OP posts:
Nala8 · 22/03/2019 00:33

I don't care about my DH watching it. I think I watch it more than he does Wink as long as it doesn't effect the sex life I think it's fine and completely normal

Rtmhwales · 22/03/2019 00:33

I think it comes down to personality. I genuinely could not care less if my partner was to watch it, even daily. But I'm not sure you could train yourself out of hating it. What bothers you so much about it exactly?

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 00:38

8 years!!!

What is the point in your relationship? I couldn't imagine being with someone and having something hanging over the relationship for 8 years. Whatever your feelings about porn, 8 years is far too long to spend being unhappy about anything in your relationship.

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:40

It just really bothers me him 'getting off' on videos of other women. How can I not be bothered? I really want to not be bothered but there's nothing on Google about how not to care and shut off feelings about partner getting off on looking at other nude women. I've read people saying oh it's just images but it's not because those women are real women in the world somewhere

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 22/03/2019 00:43

Well I personally would object to a man who got his jollies out of seeing women get tortured, but then I must be a prude.

A lot of the women used to be make porn or trafficked in some way or another and porn has become really sadistic.

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:43

We've got a small child and live together and 8 years I don't want to chuck away. I just want to not care about it like apparently a lot of women don't care about it. I know he'll never really stop, I'm not as bothered as I was say 5 years ago but I'm still really peeved off about it and it can still bring me right down

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:47

Is it a self esteem issue? If I had brilliant self esteem and thought I was gods gift etc would I then not be bothered? Or is it a case of just completing thinking about something else and being busy?

OP posts:
pinkboa · 22/03/2019 01:09

Do you ever find another man/men attractive?

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 01:32

We've got a small child and live together and 8 years I don't want to chuck away.

But 8 years you have been unhappy about it. 8 years is a long time to not be happy.

I just want to not care about it like apparently a lot of women don't care about it.

That's the thing though, we all have different tolerances. You want to not care but that would be you compromising your own happiness.

I know he'll never really stop,

He would if he wanted to

I'm not as bothered as I was say 5 years ago but I'm still really peeved off about

It's such a long time to be unhappy

and it can still bring me right down

This is key. This relationship isn't working.

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 01:32

Yeah of course I find some men attractive but I don't 'get off' on looking at naked men

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 01:38

Majority of men watch porn its widely accepted for some reason. I've read about how men are visual and need the visual stimulation. I've read well it's better than him actual cheating etc. Men and women are different etc. I just don't want to still be feeling angry, low self esteem and jealous when I'm 40/50. Is the answer to split up? Then either get with another guy who most likely will watch porn too? Stay single?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 01:42

I know he'll never really stop, and I know from reading other women's experiences that men never really stop they'll just hide it better and lie. I don't think it's possible to find a man that didn't watch porn tbh. When the jealous/upset/low self esteem/angry feelings creep up on me when I know he's been watching how do I just not care?

OP posts:
Dramatical · 22/03/2019 01:45

Stop trying to change yourself to suit his wanking habit maybe?

Sorry to be brutal but you have been unhappy for 8 very long years and here you are looking for advic on how to change your own natural thought process so you don't care.

Self respect shake up OP. Don't ever change yourself to suit someone else.

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 01:47

What should I do?

OP posts:
PRoseLegend · 22/03/2019 01:49

My partner and I are the opposite. He's not into porn, never reaply found it appealing. I struggled for years with a porn addiction, mostly free from it by the time we married but had occasional slip ups (usually with erotica). He has been very upset when I have slipped up. We have a rule, we can do whatever we like, explore any fantasy, as long as it's together and with each other.
Because neither of us watch porn, we try to always be available to help each other out eg if one of us is in the mood and the other isn't, we'll at least kiss and do other things (this goes both ways, it's not always one person compromising and giving in).
I don't think it's right for a partner to keep watching it if the other has expressed unhappiness.
As my husband put it, watching porn is like cheating on him with my mind.
It's natural for you to be upset about it.
If he's unwilling to at least try to stop, what other areas is he not willing to compromise in for you?

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 01:54

It's not even only porn it's finding out he's randomly looking up what a certain film actress looks like nude just to see what she looks like nude. He told me he was just curious and will sometimes do that if he fancies seeing whatever actress from a show or film looks like naked basically. Not to use as 'material' even just out of curiosity and he says that's fine....

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 01:58

He does sound like a total sleaze bag reading what I've written. You wouldn't think he was a guy that wouldn't stop porn because it upset his partner or randomly looking up famous actresses nude just because he's curious. Everyone he meets likes him and you just wouldn't think he'd do stuff like that

OP posts:
Scott72 · 22/03/2019 02:39

You think "finding out he's randomly looking up what a certain film actress looks like nude" makes him sound like a "total sleaze bag"? That sounds more on the innocuous end of the scale to me and really not that sleazy.

I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child.
I'm not sure what you mean here. So you have periods when you can't have regular sex and he's filling them in with porn and masturbation? Well if he were going to masturbate to porn that would be when he would be most likely to do so.

By the sounds of it he doesn't really do so a lot and he tries to keep it private. But you seem to really need a partner who doesn't do so at all, who shares your zero tolerance attitude. Ideally one who is willing to allow you complete access to their all their browsing and viewing history to assure you they aren't indulging.

There are such men out there, but they would be in the minority. So if you do leave your current partner over this, there is a chance you might not find a satisfactory new partner. Are you prepared for that risk.

Sadiesnakes · 22/03/2019 02:46

@Scott72 think you should stick to the sex boards.Hmm

Sadiesnakes · 22/03/2019 03:29

Op, you are perfectly within your right to detest porn, a huge amount of women do, for various reasons. To a lot of women it is a betrayal and if you feel it is, then it is.
Porn use is vile and basically paid rape and users are heavily in denial to suit their needs. I understand that that's not your issue here though.
Loads of issues at play here really.
The problem is most men are very visual and do like to look at naked women who aren't their partners and a huge amount of women don't realize this early on and when they find out it has a huge impact on their self esteem, it seems this is your situation and it's very difficult to just accept it, as it is a betrayal to you.
At best he would give it up for you, but he'll always want to, since he's carried on for 8 years knowing how much you hate it.
The real problem for you here is his lack of respect for your feelings in this, I'd hate to carry on doing something that I knew hurt my partner so badly, and he's lying to you pretending he doesn't. So porn aside he's not treating you right. You need to consider if you want to spend another 40 plus years with someone that lies and prioritize' porn over his wife.

Butteredghost · 22/03/2019 04:10

It's fine to feel this way, but you won't find a man that doesn't. Well you might, but it's rare and you might not like the alternative - I had only one bf who honestly didn't watch porn and rarely masterbated, but not because he was a moral guy, it was because he wasn't a sexual person and drive was extremely low. He didn't really find women or men attractive. In the asexuality world he'd be called a grey-a.

You might have heard of the study from the University of Montreal in 2013, where researchers were studying the effects of porn on men. They had to abandon the study as they couldn't find a single man to be in the control group. Confused

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 04:21

I know, I'm just wanting to find out how to stop feeling anything at all about it and not be bothered in the slightest

OP posts:
ooooohbetty · 22/03/2019 04:28

I couldn't care less if my OH watches porn. Despite what MN thinks nearly all men who can watch it do watch it. Even the ones that tell their OH's they don't watch it. It just doesn't bother me.

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 04:36

I think you are being a bit unreasonable here, I let some of that come through in my earlier post. Do you sincerely want to let go of that anger and jealously you feel over it? You seem of two minds with your post. On one level you might want to accept it and are hoping for advice on how do that.

On another level though you just strongly feel it is totally unacceptable, and want confirmation here that that is okay to feel like that. It is perfectly okay to feel like that. However if you want to not feel so angry and jealous you'll have to soften that view, because it seems your partner is never going to completely abstain.

CaseofEllen · 22/03/2019 04:36

I don't think you can stop being bothered by it OP. We all have our boundaries, as long as your DP knows what yours are, for example not watching porn, then he should be able to respect them. If he can't/won't then you need to decide how big an issue it is for you.

I'm not saying you should end it over porn, Im just saying different people have different boundaries in a relationship. They're all valid and you just need to figure out what's acceptable and what's not.