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Original poster

How to not feel angry about PORN

184 replies

Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:27

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

OP posts:
HJWT · 22/03/2019 07:30

I think if me and DH were DTD regularly and he was watching porn, I would not be happy. but if you don't have sex for a couple of weeks then what do you want him to do? It all depends on sex drive my DH has a low sex drive but if we don't DTD then he has to 'help himself' some how! Although my DH doesn't watch porn as he says it turns him of, I wouldn't be mad if I walked in on him watching it as long as it was a proper site.

Bobbycat121 · 22/03/2019 07:31

I watch porn so I dont have a problem if a
partner watches it🤷‍♀️ its not only men who watch porn. Ive never been with a man that doesnt watch it.

Petalflowers · 22/03/2019 07:32

I wouldn’t’t like dh watching porn either. I don”think it’s a self esteem issue. On mn, people either seem to like the concept of porn, or not.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/03/2019 07:35

It’s not you, it’s him. It’s perfectly okay to object to this hideous industry. And if it upsets you, then he is putting porn ahead of your wishes and feelings in the relationship. You do not need to be cool with this.

Todayisanewday75 · 22/03/2019 07:36

You’re not alone OP, I’ve tried not to feel the way I do about it but just can’t. And the lies are awful and erode trust.

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 07:42

"but if you don't have sex for a couple of weeks then what do you want him to do?"

The people here completely opposed to porn would say they are okay with him masturbating, provided he only uses his imagination. The problem is porn so greatly enhances masturbation that if it's available, the temptation to use it is going to be very strong.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 07:44

“but if you don't have sex for a couple of weeks then what do you want him to do?”

Have a wank? Just like people have always done- even in the dim and distant past before PornHub?

BestBeforeYesterday · 22/03/2019 07:45

Actually I do think twice about where my clothes come from and choose to shop ethically.
And what about all the other stuff? Don't live under the illusion that you don't participate in the exploitation of other human beings, because it is impossible not to do so. I am not saying this means you need to be fine with porn, but that you should get rid of that ridiculous holier-than-thou attitude.

BestBeforeYesterday · 22/03/2019 07:46

Just like people have always done- even in the dim and distant past before PornHub?
Porn has existed ever since humans put pen to paper.

saccade · 22/03/2019 07:46

I have my objections to it too, but you can't deny most men watch it at least occasionally.

I deny that most men watch it at least occasionally. I think your assertion is a mistruth.

smallereveryday · 22/03/2019 07:46

I'm going to answer OPs question rather than get into a debate about porn itself. As that wasn't the question.

How do I feel fine when DH watches porn. ?

In my mind it's simple. Porn is not real. It's fantasy. He is never going to run off or lose his heart to a video image. Porn is something to wank to should he feel the need. That's it. There is zero emotional connection. It poses no threat to our real life relationship.
It's also private. Bring in a relationship doesn't mean he has to share every aspect of every minute of our lives. His sexual fantasies are his private world. That he doesn't have to discuss or justify to anyone.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 07:48

Oh yes- the old “you bought a cup of coffee once, how dare you object to men wanking to still of a trafficked woman being raped” argument. Yawn.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 07:50

“Porn has existed ever since humans put pen to paper.“

Yep. Generally not porn using real exploited, trafficked women though. There are lots of good sexy books available. Happy to provide a list.

GlenPonder · 22/03/2019 07:51

@BestBeforeYesterday touched a wee nerve have I? Sounds like someone is trying to justify their participation in the exploitation of other women by flimsy comparisons! Do you want me to rattle off how ethical I am and we can compare? Will that make you feel better about the rape and exploitation of teens?

Go and watch hot girls wanted on Netflix, come back and we can discuss the porn issue further! After all that's the topic for debate!

Sadiesnakes · 22/03/2019 07:54

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Scott72 · 22/03/2019 07:57

Porn has existed ever since humans put pen to paper.

But before the advent of photography it would have been simply unavailable to most men. So most men would have just masturbated using their imagination. But widely available porn, especially Internet porn, serves to provoke male libido and leads to men wanking more (maybe much more) than they would have otherwise. I agree this is a complicated and fraught issue.

ooooohbetty · 22/03/2019 07:57

@smallereveryday that's an excellent answer and I agree with you.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 08:00

“Don't live under the illusion that you don't participate in the exploitation of other human beings, because it is impossible not to do so.”

I don’t think any of us do. And many of us do our best to participate in the exploitation of others as little as possible- and to work at reducing our involvement. Porn is one of the few industries that is a) entirely unnecessary by any standards and b) where we can actually watch individual women being exploited.

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2019 08:02

I think this is a self esteem issue. Your focus seems to be on him wishing to see other women naked and you feel jealous and insecure.

I couldn't give a shit if my husband or any previous partner looked at porn, I've never felt they were doing it as some form of comparison or whatever is going through your head. I've always felt I'm number one.

As such, it's about self esteem. You need to focus on that and your self confidence. Most men with a sex drive view porn at some point or another, the only differential is if they lie to their partner about it or not.

Windowsareforcheaters · 22/03/2019 08:06

The is a significant minority of porn made for women and by women.

Porn is not a male issue, female sexuality has a similarly complex and varied range as male sexuality.

BestBeforeYesterday · 22/03/2019 08:06

touched a wee nerve have I?
Yes - really cannot stand people who lecture others without realising how hypocritical they are being. Feel free to reel off how ethical you are, you will still be participating in the exploitation of others. Own it!
And porn mags have always been very easily available, the only difference being that they could not be bought by minors.

Strugglingtodomybest · 22/03/2019 08:07

If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

I don't want to sound harsh, but you could maybe ask this question of your DP? He's spent 8 years not caring about your feelings so obviously has plenty of experience.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 08:09

“Feel free to reel off how ethical you are, you will still be participating in the exploitation of others. Own it! ”

Of course. Happy to “own it”. Next?

BestBeforeYesterday · 22/03/2019 08:09

And many of us do our best to participate in the exploitation of others as little as possible-
A fraction of people do. The vast majority of people are more concerned about status and saving money - just look at the sales numbers of the Fairphone, and that's just one of the hundreds of objects and services we consume every day.

OnceUponAThread · 22/03/2019 08:10

My OH used to watch porn. Not a lot but occasionally.
We had a long chat about it one day, quite randomly. Not an angry one - just calm and curious discussion.
I asked him how he would feel if I was watching other men to get off. And he told me it would make him uncomfortable.
I asked his how he felt about objectification of women. About sex trafficking etc. Again. He said that stuff is awful.
He told me about eight month's later completely out of nowhere that he'd stopped watching it. I believe him.
Might sound naive, but genuinely I do think he's telling the truth. Because I wouldn't be angry if he did watch it. And he knows that. so no reason to lie. (Also tbh because I'm not sure when / where he'd be doing it).
BUT we have a very active sex life. And DTD at least four times a week. I imagine if I went through a patch of low libido that might change.
Have you tried walking him through your concerns in an objective and non-angry way? When you're not cross about it? Have you calmly asked him why he feels the need to watch it? Etc. I think a lot of the time when women have these conversations they happen in an angry and confrontational way. And then people get defensive. And it doesn't help.
A calm conversation can make a difference, I think.
What worries me is it clearly hurts you a lot. And he's ignoring that. I'd be worried about any man who was willing to consistently cause me pain.
Communication key here though. Discuss it rationally, and then see. If you've explained it well, and he'd rather watch porn knowing how upset it clearly makes you. That's a red flag.