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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to not feel angry about PORN

184 replies

Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:27

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

OP posts:
yesyesyep · 22/03/2019 11:06

Would just like to clarify weird types of porn being 'funny' stuff like people getting off on feet or other body parts. Not that we like that, it just comes up in conversation sometimes!

Each to their own. Some people are vehemently against porn and that's ok. But I'm not one of them.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 11:06

“As for my daughter becoming a porn star. It's not something I would actively encourage”
Interesting that people always talk about “porn stars”. Not the thousands and thousands of porn drones, often exploited, addicted, trafficked and anonymous.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 11:07

“Each to their own. Some people are vehemently against porn and that's ok. But I'm not one of them.”

How do you feel about the women who work in the “industry”?

yesyesyep · 22/03/2019 11:13

Yeah, because that's what I mean. Hmm

I did say if she was genuinely happy, and for that to occur, she wouldn't fit into the category of abused women you describe.

Some women ARE happy to be in the industry. I would like to think most are. I know some may not be, but I would stay away from those at all costs.

yesyesyep · 22/03/2019 11:15

As I said, women in the industry, if they are happy, let them be. There are plenty of dominant females in porn too.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 11:15

“I would like to think most are. I know some may not be, but I would stay away from those at all costs.”

How?

yesyesyep · 22/03/2019 11:18

By not viewing porn on the dark web. There are specific websites who have strict rules and do not allow dodgy porn.

For someone who doesn't watch porn, you seem to believe you know a lot about it.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 11:22

Yep, I do know a lot about it. If you think that everything not on the “dark web” is ethical, you’re showing that you know very little about it.

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 11:28

The way things are at the moment, with internet porn being so easily available, and with most men not being vehemently against it, yes most men are going to use porn when they masturbate.

saccade · 22/03/2019 11:29

Sorry, but the idea most women in the industry are happy to be in it, and that there are plenty of dominant females in porn, is utterly laughable.

Now you know the reality - which is that the vast majority are exploited and degraded - does this affect your tolerance of your hubby’s pastime?

Luby40 · 22/03/2019 11:29

When I was younger and we first got together I used to be so jealous, we then talked about porn....I pretended I knew nothing about him watching it......he admitted he watches it but he doesn't see them as real people. From that day on I don't care at all......
Years later we watched a documentary on it and they were chatting about what they were having for tea between takes.....its really just like watching a TV show! When I watch sex scenes on a normal TV show it does sometimes get me in the mood but it doesn't mean I find them attractive!
Maybe try watching it together or you watch it alone, I can guarantee you you will be aroused with no attraction to them!
He's not looking at their faces, he's not chatting to them......you can't tell me you haven't found anyone else attractive since you've been with him......I think it's totally normal!
Embrace it and be glad he's watching porn and not cheating!
I really hope you can resolve it as 8 years is a long time to feel like this x

saccade · 22/03/2019 11:32

To the man’s assertions again:

  • Internet porn is easily available (true)
  • Most men not being vehemently against it (reference?)

Does not equal

‘Yes most men are going to use porn when they masterbate’

But if that deductive sequence makes you feel better about doing so, crack on...

saccade · 22/03/2019 11:35

Embrace it and be glad he's watching porn and not cheating!

When did our standards sink so low...

By the way, the cosy snapshot in the documentary you watched does not reflect the reality of the industry in any way

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 11:37

he admitted he watches it but he doesn't see them as real people. From that day on I don't care at all......

Envy < not envy.

So you don't care because he doesn't view them as real people?

They ARE real people. God, go have a wee google about the porn industry and the women that 'work' in it.

That sick emoji is no joke btw. You actually think it's ok because he doesn't view them as real people. That would be a dealbreaker for me in a relationship. They are real. They are vulnerable. They are often drugged/raped etc but so long as he doesn't view them as 'real' you don't mind him chugging away to that Hmm

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 11:39

He doesn't think about it for the rest of the day and it doesn't interfere with our lives

This is so sad. As per my post above.

Envy
Luby40 · 22/03/2019 11:41

She's not upset with him because of the industry, she's upset because he's looking at other women! If she was upset about the industry then it would be a completely different story!

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 11:51

Saccade you sincerely believe the majority of men, 51%+, in the UK just never look at internet porn, and would never do so because they find it deeply morally offensive? That would be a good thing, but I just can't believe its true.

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 12:13

luby

That's kind of my point.

saccade · 22/03/2019 12:27

Just so we’re clear, the sentence of yours that you’ve chosen to quibble and lifted out of my post, I still state as before, as in the context of your earlier statements:

  • Internet porn is easily available (true)
  • Most men not being vehemently against it (reference?)

Does not equal

‘Yes most men are going to use porn when they masterbate’

I asked for a reference.

You yourself have decided to extend ‘vehemently against it’ into ‘deep moral offence’.

There are a number of reasons men may be vehemently against porn. They may also be non-vehemently against porn, but still against it. Here are some reasons why, besides ‘deep moral offence’.

-It irreparably damages their sexual function
-Which also has an effect on their relationship with their spouse or partner
-It creates an expectation of the kind of sexual experience their daughters will receive in their own relationships at the hands of a generation of young men
-It creates a demand in their sons of the kind of sexual experience they will seek from young women
-It exploits and degrades women on a massive scale
-It exploits and degrades men
-They have a ‘deep moral offence’ - in all the ways you did, and in all the ways you didn’t, mean.

You say it would be a good thing if most men took deep moral offence at porn and didn’t use it. Do you take deep moral offence and abstain from porn use? Or perhaps you take deep moral offence and don’t abstain? Or perhaps you don’t take deep moral offence and don’t abstain? I wouldn’t want to conflate the two...

Luby40 · 22/03/2019 12:31

But it's her post and it's about how she feels. It's about making the OP feel better and making her understand it's normal......whether you like it or not!
Your comments are just going to make her feel worse, she is obviously struggling with anxiety so doesn't need to have more issues put in her head......she needs support and for people to try and help her realise it's not un normal behaviour........
For her to worry for 8 years theres obviously more going on than porn and until she sorts her anxieties out she's not going to get anywhere!!

saccade · 22/03/2019 12:32

It’s not normal

She is right to be anxious about it because it says a lot about who this person she’s choosing to spend her life with, is.

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 12:36

luby

Sorry I thought you were referring to my posts where I quoted another poster? Perhaps crossed wires there.

I have said right from the start this isn't something OP should be changing herself to facilitate

Jayne35 · 22/03/2019 12:46

I didn't used to care one way or the other however when I found out the extent of DHs long term use which had escalated to worse things I was pretty disgusted and I lost respect for him. I watched a number of documentaries, I found Hot Girls wanted particularly sad, I actually cried for those girls!

My marriage nearly ended over this. DH has stopped using porn and the difference shows so much in our sex life that I would know if he started using it again and I would leave, I would not ignore porn use, it's now a deal breaker for me.

Another thing, I once found a video on my 13yo DS phone, nasty & violent which apparently a mate sent him. How on earth are boys going to have normal expectations of girls when they are watching all that shit?

OP if you won't turn a blind eye (and I don't blame you) and he refuses to stop (watching porn, not wanking!) then maybe it's time to consider you options.

MeAgainAgain · 22/03/2019 12:47

" I've read about how men are visual and need the visual stimulation."

This is true. Men cannot masturbate without images. They are very unfortunate in this regard. Women are lucky that we have imaginations we can use.

"It's not even only porn it's finding out he's randomly looking up what a certain film actress looks like nude just to see what she looks like nude. He told me he was just curious and will sometimes do that if he fancies seeing whatever actress from a show or film looks like naked basically. Not to use as 'material' even just out of curiosity and he says that's fine...."

This is genuinely gross and drives the hacking of (massively predominantly) female stars peresonal photos and so on.

You can delude yourself that women in porn are all loving it and not coerced or anything (I mean it's not true but you can delude yourself) but looking for images of women who are not in the sex industry and viewing images that may be stolen / leaked / revenge etc is really genuinely unforgivable.

saccade · 22/03/2019 12:52

This is true. Men cannot masturbate without images. They are very unfortunate in this regard. Women are lucky that we have imaginations we can use.

This is utter bollocks and perpetuating a myth to justify the industry’s existence

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