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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to not feel angry about PORN

184 replies

Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:27

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

OP posts:
MeAgainAgain · 22/03/2019 16:52

Lots of porn that claims to be amateur isn't

You really can't trust what you're told, when it comes to people trying to sell you stuff

Capitalism 101!

MeAgainAgain · 22/03/2019 16:56

Also yes plenty of women in 'amateur' porn will be coerced and exploited.

Some will have abusive partners /parents etc

Some will not be aware they're being filmed

Some will have consensual videos that were private put online

I really think it's super naive to watch this stuff and assume all is well

Have the gumption to own actions. Yes I watch porn. No I can't be sure there is no exploitation, coercion. I can't know that the women are physically and mentally healthy. But, I don't care. That's much more honest.

user1479305498 · 22/03/2019 17:57

I have a similar issue with my H but my issue is the sheer frequency of it, almost as regular as cleaning teeth, secretive and all girl on girl or woman solo masturbating kind of stuff, no men ever involved. Not going into how I know but I do, when you think you married a new man /feminist and it turns out not to be quite the case it’s not great. I am not totally anti a bit of use, I am anti it being a large and secret habit!

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 17:59

I notice you conveniently ignore the 'solo male' aspect.

I think there's almost as much of an issue is assuming that an amateur is exploited as assuming they are not.

Also it's fairly obvious if an amateur is unaware of being filmed eg when they aren't they often talk to the camera.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/03/2019 18:46

If someone watching porn was impacting my sex life then I would not be a happy bunny at all. There's no jealousy issue for me although 75 percent of it is pretty cringey and no doubt it teaches piss poor technique.

Maybe download some of your own along the lines of buff huge cocked studs that go for hours...and backhand the insecurity his way!!

Work on building up your self esteem and take some time out for you. Concentrate on making yourself feel good and making your sex life the best it can be.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/03/2019 18:50

Any male who uses the words "new man" or claims to be a feminist has me running for the hills....the translation of either of the above is closet misogynist in my experience

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/03/2019 19:03

I would say the fact that he ignores you and you don't do anything together is a much bigger indicator of the ill health of the relationship. How long has it been like that for OP, and what is your sex life like?

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 19:10

The ignoring thing I've noticed the last say three or four years. Sex seems to be only if he's desperate to feel a real women and it's mostly lazy and from behind which I've questioned. There's zero romance not even for valentines day he says he's just not romantic but in the early years he used to get me cheezy romantic cards and teddies etc and actually listen to me. Now I feel like just a nuicence to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 19:11

So yeah I suppose if he was like what he was in the early days and ticked most of the boxes then I probably wouldn't care about the porn but it's just everything and now the porn is the cherry on top

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 19:17

I don't want to leave him, we've got a kid together and it's 8 years of history but when I find out he's watched a stupid video or whatever and I get ignored every single day because he's got his head stuck in his phone I do think what's the point. He acts like he doesn't want to be here when he's home

OP posts:
Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 19:22

Sex usually happens with a lot of hinting from me even being blatant saying hey its been like 4 or 5 nights now....he barely ever mentions if we don't have sex. I really feel like he's just not bothered and then he accuses me of being a nag about whatever I'm going on about that I'm not happy with. But it's best to say when you aren't happy about something I think rather than hiding

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 22/03/2019 19:28

Do you think he would participate in some counselling??

The always wanting to have sex from behind with no intimacy rings alarm bells for me, not that there's anything wrong with it but not every time.

downbytheseaside · 22/03/2019 19:31

If you don't like it you don't like it. You're entitled to your own opinion.

I'd be getting up posters of naked men, get in a bit of internet surfing of my own, make a few comments about how tasty the guys are online. I bet you your OH doesn't like it and it makes him very uncomfortable. Try it

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 20:13

I don't want to leave him, we've got a kid together and it's 8 years of history

8 years of what though? You being unhappy and finally trying to change yourself to accommodate him Hmm

Luby40 · 22/03/2019 20:24

Make your own sexy video and send it to him......maybe you need to rekindle what you once had.....
Relationships sometimes do go off peak especially when children come into it!

Pa1oma · 22/03/2019 21:48

Op, you sound lovely and totally upfront and honest.

All I would say to you is this. If you actually look at the porn on these sites, a lot of it is sadistic and disgusting. However, what surprised me is that the women are far from perfect bodies and stunning. Most if the stuff is very amateur and filmed in some grotty room. Most of the women look pretty rough tbh. Glamorous it is not! If anything, I felt more confident about my own body and sex life after watching ten minutes of porn.

The issue I have with it, is the ethics of the industry and you can never be sure if a woman had been coerced. I find the total disconnect that men have there astonishing. The vast majority of it makes me feel ill.

I have to say, my DH watches porn. He says he doesn’t like anything with other men in it, so he only watches girl on girl stuff. I don’t have a massive problem with this. I would if he was watching choking scenes or “facials” or the multitude of other delights in these sites.

The other thing he says is that when you watch porn, you don’t even look at the women’s face. Apparently it’s purely mechanical Hmm “to speed things up.”

I haven’t noticed it affecting our sex life though, whatever it is he is watching.

Could you try talking to your DH and asking him the content of what he watches. I think this makes a difference. If you’re not communicating well, the sex always suffers anyway.

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 21:52

The other thing he says is that when you watch porn, you don’t even look at the women’s face

It saddens me that you see this as a good point.

Toomuchworking · 22/03/2019 22:04

I tried watching a bit of porn recently out of curiosity. Honestly found it a bit grim, I sort of envisaged it being a bit smoother and sexy but it was all shit acting, fake orgasms, and bright lights with lots of rampant pumping away. Turns out looking at genitals isn't that sexy to me, and I found watching oral sex just nasty.

Anyway, I did kind of get it that people who do watch it don't feel like they're cheating, and having watched it I can appreciate that it's not the perving on impossibly perfect naked forms that's the turn on, or imagining being with one of the stars, but the actual act, like someone else said.

So I came away appreciating my imagination more and feeling more comfortable about any future porn discoveries on DHs phone (says he doesn't watch but who knows?)

I think your DH needs to stop if he says he has and it upsets you so much, but don't take it as a reflection on you.

Abouttimemum · 22/03/2019 22:22

To be honest I think the porn watching is incidental to the fact he’s being a really shitty partners generally. Your recent updates make him sound like he is disinterested in the relationship in all ways, not just sexually.
What does he say when you talk to him about the fact he barely even speaks to you?
I think you’re actually currently getting nothing out of the relationship and his behaviour is destroying your self esteem.

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2019 00:28

I don't think the porn thing is incidental to him being a shit partner. I think its central to it. I think that OP is correct he has emotionally checked out of the relationship. Men are more emotionally invested into a relationship and in to pleasing a woman if she is the source of meeting his physical and emotional needs. When he chooses the lazy option of porn over intimacy with his partner, he is happy to forgo his emotional needs in favour of lazily taking care of his physical needs with the least effort.

OP you will stop caring about his porn use at exactly the point you stop caring about him.

PRoseLegend · 23/03/2019 01:19

We've become like ancient Rome.
Getting off on the suffering of others. The internet and the porn industry is our Collosseum.

All those saying "It isn't real, we don't look at the faces" etc are ignoring the fact that it is real. Some women and men somewhere are being forced (either by financial circumstances or by direct force) to show their most intimate selves for millions of strangers to see, strangers who don't care what their names are, don't care whether they're healthy or happy, strangers who just want to see their bits.

It's not difficult to see why people often progress from "light" porn to more violent stuff. We've become deadened to the suffering of others, so much so that we get sexual pleasure from it.

No one exists for the sole purpose of us getting off, yet porn reduces people to exactly that.

RomanyQueen1 · 23/03/2019 14:31

PR

Ancient Greeks, Egyptians and Romans were the pioneers of porn and free sex.
I don't think we've ever changed, except for those who were indoctrinated by the church. Even the old testament has Moses et al with hundreds of wives.
The new testament put a stop to free love and we were all told that we had to be monogamous in the eyes of the church.
What I find interesting is how this indoctrination managed to convince Atheists into monogamy.

MeAgainAgain · 23/03/2019 14:33

Erm

Didn't they have slaves that they raped like billy-o?

"Even the old testament has Moses et al with hundreds of wives. "

V progressive.

MeAgainAgain · 23/03/2019 14:33

Ancient greeks were well into men fucking boys as part of their culture on the masculine side.

Not v convinced that all was dandy TBH

Lovingit81 · 23/03/2019 14:47

I'm one of those ladies that doesn't care.DH doesn't watch it a lot- he has his own business and really doesn't have the time! But I couldn't care less! My self esteem is pretty high and our relationship is brilliant. I have full confidence it's just a physical outlet every now and then. However, if you aren't happy about it that's a problem in your relationship. Don't be unhappy. Life is too short.