How to not feel angry about PORN

[Jealouslady]

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

My sarcasm obviously wasn't sarcastic enough!

Oh sorry. That chap on this thread has got my dander up!!

I understand you OP. All I can say is that I suppose some people, especially if they are sexually frustrated and not in a relationship, might seek out a bit of porn occasionally and surreptitiously. (I'd rather not know about it if so, personally).

However I think for a man to pursue porn openly and regularly whilst in a relationship is disrespectful.

These are my values of course.

I feel incredibly old-fashioned for holding these views! But I think its sad how sex is being increasingly debased to the most animalistic of acts now. A lot of porn is also quite nasty and encourages a particular kind of attitude to sex and extreme practices.

I don't know what men think about 'porn', generally speaking. But the occasional man I came across who was enthusiastic about porn had quite unpleasant attitudes to women, and were pretty weird people generally.

Whoever originally said reasons below are good reasons to be against porn has kind of hit the nail on the head:

-It irreparably damages their sexual function
-Which also has an effect on their relationship with their spouse or partner
-It creates an expectation of the kind of sexual experience their daughters will receive in their own relationships at the hands of a generation of young men
-It creates a demand in their sons of the kind of sexual experience they will seek from young women
-It exploits and degrades women on a massive scale
-It exploits and degrades men

Posters have pointed out that masturbation doesn't have to involve porn use and that's very true .. and without access to porn men would (and do) masturbate without it. (Same applies to the percentage of women who use porn).

Problem is; it's there, it's available, it's fast, convenient, effective, easier and lazier than using your imagination, it's a habit - it's the (all ethics aside) the ready-meal equivalent of food for masturbation. And on top of that, given the opportunity, it seems that many men will always choose visual aids to masturbate.

(Some women too, plus studies have shown the cliche that women are less responsive to visuals is false, they actually respond to a wider range than men, but that's a whole other tangent).

You can certainly speak to your partner and say you wish they wouldn't use porn to masturbate, but unfortunately the likelihood is quite high just hide it. Also op has a problem with her partner looking at naked/risque images of actresses or whoever he fancies; that's not really porn. If a woman was on here saying partner was angry & hurt at her looking up body pics or sex scenes with Jason Momoa or Aidan Turner or whoever, most posters would think he was deeply insecure, controlling and unreasonable.

*they'll just hide it.

The ethics debate is very valid but in this thread anyway, that doesn't seem to be ops problem with it

"Problem is; it's there, it's available, it's fast, convenient, effective, easier and lazier than using your imagination, it's a habit - it's the (all ethics aside) the ready-meal equivalent of food for masturbation. And on top of that, given the opportunity, it seems that many men will always choose visual aids to masturbate.

(Some women too, plus studies have shown the cliche that women are less responsive to visuals is false, they actually respond to a wider range than men, but that's a whole other tangent)."

In other words, the prevalence of men watching porn vs women is not biological it's social.

And that is indeed another topic.

@TaraLight, I did.

I mean to say, I wrote the list you quoted. I’m not quoting someone else’s words.

Thanks for everyone's responses it's a big issue with lots of people and for lots of different reasons. I'm still not sure what to do and how to not feel jealous if that's even the right word.... 🙁

My plan is to distance myself from him emotionally so I don't feel hurt. I'm going to start doing things to better myself like joining a gym, I'm a size 12 and got the post baby belly still. I had brilliant confidence years ago in the early days but each time I found out he'd watched porn even with me in the house my self esteem was eroded each time. I would rather him physically cheat on me once rather than mentally cheating on me for years

He ignores me pretty much constantly and we don't do anything together anymore and there's always the porn thing in the background. Mybe if we got on well together and he was mybe a bit romantic and thoughtful mybe I then wouldn't care if he watched a bit of porn. I do see us splitting up eventually if our relationship keeps going this way. I either just think of myself and child and distance myself from him or I plan to split. We bicker everyday. He's constantly on his phone. We don't really chat anymore and feel like he's checked out of relationship already tbh.

I have no problem with any male or female who is happy and wants to work in the sex industry, wether that be in porn, prostitution etc.
As far as objectification of females in the porn industry, that may have been more of the case maybe 10 years ago but there has been a massive influx of young teen boys and femdoms and alot of the videos are humiliating and violent.
Obviously there is a big problem with sex trafficking in both males and females but we can't just blame porn for that.
Op don't try and change yourself to be ok with this if you are not happy and have been miserable for so long personally I'd call it a day.
I have no problem with my partner watching porn as I watch it too

To accept it is a case of realising its fantasy not real, there's loads of moral issues over porn but assuming it's two consenting adults etc then it's personal preference and most men like to watch, the internet just made it easier (there was a porn section at the back of blockbusters back in the day.) Do I like, no not really, do I accept, yes we agree to disagree.

Hello OP, I haven't read all the posters. You always get alot of pro-porn crazies on these threads .

I don't think its an easy question to settle.

But you sound like a lovely, sensitive woman. If you are sensitive and so forth, porn for the most part will make you feel uncomfortable. There are people out there who think its fine, even in the most degraded forms, and I suppose on one level you have to let them get on with it.

But don't let it undermine your sensitivity or values. You have a right to uphold them too. I don't care what any liberal fools say.

It may be that you are just not compatible.

Sounds like there are other issues anyway, as there nearly always is with porn hounds.

Good luck.

I think the only way you could begin to feel more accepting of your dh watching porn is to raise your self esteem

Really? Your advice is to get a hobby 🤣

I wouldn't be jealous if my husnabd watched porn. I would be disgusted that he gets off on the exploitation of women and women being used as nothing but a fuck hole.

Luckily he respects women and we have a daughter who we want to grow up knowing that she is not there merely as wank fodder for men.

Anyone who thinks 'all men watch porn' are mistaken. I realise they find this hard to believe and will think me deluded or whatever, but luckily I have a husband who doesn't see the abuse of women as a way to get his sexual gratification.

I think this is a reflection of how he's making you feel in the relationship. If he was treating you like his queen and making you feel sexy and desired you wouldn't give a crap about him watching porn I don't think.

*I think the only way you could begin to feel more accepting of your dh watching porn is to raise your self esteem

Really? Your advice is to get a hobby 🤣

I wouldn't be jealous if my husnabd watched porn. I would be disgusted that he gets off on the exploitation of women and women being used as nothing but a fuck hole.

Luckily he respects women and we have a daughter who we want to grow up knowing that she is not there merely as wank fodder for men.

Anyone who thinks 'all men watch porn' are mistaken. I realise they find this hard to believe and will think me deluded or whatever, but luckily I have a husband who doesn't see the abuse of women as a way to get his sexual gratification. *

@PositiveVibez

You obviously didn't read my posts properly? Porn is completely and utterly disgusting and vile and men that use it imo are the same.
Op obviously isn't prepared to leave as I originally advised, nor is her dh prepared to give up using it either. So advising op to do something to raise the self esteem her dh has thrashed as a last resort is the only other advice anyone can offer op. If you also read properly op agreed and admitted her self esteem is shot to shit and needs help to pick herself up.

Your advice was helpful though.

I think it's completely normal and also watch porn, I'm more vintage though when at least they were enjoying it.
I don't know how people can watch a lot of modern porn it's all the same.

Those who enjoy it though are not you, and I'm not sure you can just enjoy it if it's not your thing.
Have you tried watching together there are some women friendly categories, I've not looked at these though, but believe them to be much tamer.

Porn is completely and utterly disgusting and vile and men that use it imo are the same

There is a growing market for porn made by women and for women. This issue is not just about men.

Fucking love when women come on these threads saying well I watch porn too so there's definitely nothing wrong with it.
No love, it just means your as bad as your dp, with little or no respect for the well being of abused women for the sake of a 5 min wank and you should also be ashamed of yourself, not bragging about it on a woman's forum.

*Porn is completely and utterly disgusting and vile and men that use it imo are the same

There is a growing market for porn made by women and for women. This issue is not just about men.*

Don't be so fucking pedantic. This is obviously about majority porn being essentially paid rape.

I would rather him physically cheat on me once rather than mentally cheating on me for years

I don't honesty beleive you'd feel that way if it happened.

It sounds like there's more going on than 'just' the porn thing, that you're unhappy with.

We don't know what the OPs partner is viewing. Porn is being discussed like it is one homogeneous entity and it really isn't.

The major sites do peddle rape but lots of other outlets don't. We can't talk about porn as one thing when that is really not the case any more.

Also a significant minority of women, especially young women, watch and enjoy porn. This is not only about men.

Fucking love when women come on these threads saying well I watch porn too so there's definitely nothing wrong with it.
No love, it just means your as bad as your dp, with little or no respect for the well being of abused women for the sake of a 5 min wank and you should also be ashamed of yourself, not bragging about it on a woman's forum.

I'm we aware of the issues with porn and why someone would have a problem with glgor women's sake; but you speak ax if there's one format for porn that exists in the entire world ... If I were to say I watch it (which I do sometimes) i'd be referring to any number of things including self uploaded videos of good-looking guys with great physiques masturbating; where are the women and girls being exploited there?

Likewise there's a whole genre or porn that's amateurs, whom I presume are exhibitionists, uploading their own videos (women, couples etc.) - are all the women in those coerced and exploited?

Yes the majority of porn might not fall under those categories but those categories still exist.

*well aware