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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to not feel angry about PORN

184 replies

Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:27

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 22/03/2019 04:57

I think the only way you could begin to feel more accepting of your dh watching porn is to raise your self esteem. Do you have good friends? Go to the gym? Treat yourself to beauty treatments? Have a really enjoyable hobby you can do a few times a week? I think if you rely too much on your dh to provide your self esteem things like porn, him searching up celebrities nude, etc, can feel really personal, iyswim?
If you already have most of the above on the go and still feel like you do, then I'm not sure you can ever feel ok about it.
You might resign to it but you will always feel bitter and angry and as a pp said, 8 years is a long time, seems such a waste to continue a relationship where you feel so let down.

Coyoacan · 22/03/2019 05:01

I'm curious about the posters here who claim to know that all, or nearly all, men watch porn. How do you know?

Sadiesnakes · 22/03/2019 05:04

I don't think all men watch porn, but I think most do.

Original poster
Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 05:05

Yes your right, I need to just build my self esteem and concentrate on myself and basically learn to love myself more. I might take up swimming etc and I deffo need more me time. Can't remember the last time I painted my nails 🙁 I might even join a gym and get my friend who lives local to go with me

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 22/03/2019 05:10

My husband had a computer full of erotica when we met (still images). I was upset but that was a long time ago. As I matured I had to acknowledge that your spouse is not the be all and end all of anyone's sexual fantasies. He deleted it all in contrition but I came to regret my distressed reaction and would not mind if I found him looking now.

That said, I send him little videos and pics and sext him a lot now. We started this when I was on a work trip a few years back and kept it up. It reinvigorated everything and helped me feel more sexy and desirable. I think this helped me a lot in stopping comparing myself to other women unfavourably, which is the heart of most women's objection to porn.

Not saying that would necessarily work for you, but that is what helped me feel better about it.

NannyMcfanny · 22/03/2019 05:12

Perhaps download some images of naked men and keep them on your phone/laptop. See if he likes the idea.
It may help settle the 8year argument.
Unfortunately he will still watch it, because men respond to sexual images more than women ✊🏻💦

Sadiesnakes · 22/03/2019 05:12

@Jealouslady, It's a really shit situation, I know all about it.Thanks

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 05:47

Perhaps download some images of naked men and keep them on your phone/laptop. See if he likes the idea.

That is good idea. You might think this too hypocritical or distasteful consider, but I'd really be curious about his reaction ha.

saccade · 22/03/2019 05:58

It is not a self esteem issue - it’s not you, you are absolutely right to be disgusted by his behaviour, in particular having told him how you feel about it. The normalisation of pornography is shocking. There are many men who also feel this way. It is not only normal but I would say a healthy boundary to consider use of porn (by either partner) a deal breaker going into a relationship.

Namenic · 22/03/2019 06:02

Agree with PPs who say making time for yourself, going to gym or getting a hobby may help.

It is a risk that other men you meet would be into porn too.

Dimebag10M · 22/03/2019 06:17

Men typically get off on the act rather than imagining themselves with the woman on the screen. My MIL always said that 'you're the one he chooses to come home to'

returnvisit · 22/03/2019 06:25

It isn't normal for men to watch porn. My DH certainly doesn't. On Mumsnet there seems to a majority of women saying that they are ok with it but I'm not sure if that's true really. There is a pressure on women to be ok with it.

The way I see it is a lot of men would like to see what other women look like naked or even watch porn but they don't out of respect for their partners ( if there partners are against it) and respect for women in general as the porn industry is so despicable .

We have daughters and my husband respects women way too much to look at any woman in that way.

OP I think you need to keep trying to explain to him why you are so against it and maybe try counselling. At the moment he's totally disrespecting you and I can see why you are so frustrated at the situation.

BestBeforeYesterday · 22/03/2019 06:27

If you masturbate, do you only fantasize about your partner? Porn is a prop for masturbation and in my opinion it is normal to look at images of other people having sex, or indulge in a fantasy not including your partner, when masturbating.
I genuinely don't mind my partner watching porn because

  • I consider it normal (see above)
  • he doesn't watch disturbing porn, just actors having the kind of sex we have as a couple
  • I am mostly happy with my body
  • I know he loves me and finds me attractive
  • I am not worried he'll cheat.

I watch porn myself so struggle to see what the big deal is, considering the points above also apply to me and the way I feel about my partner. Your partner's porn use doesn't sound excessive and as long as it doesn't impact on your sex life, I think you need to accept it - if you genuinely love each other, find each other attractive, are happy as a couple. You would be hard to pushed to find a man who didn't watch porn AND who you could fall in love with.

GlenPonder · 22/03/2019 06:31

If all men watch porn I wonder what the majority did before the internet? Yes some grubby VHS or top shelf mags but I'd guess that wouldn't be the majority of men stashing those. Now we just have to accept it? The way women are objectified in porn is utterly appalling. Slapped, spat on, hair pulled, choked etc. Not to mention the titles of the vids e.g. slut teen gets asshole wrecked. And be real, this IS the mainstream porn.

It's ok not to be ok with this hideous objectification of women.

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 06:33

It isn't normal for men to watch porn.

I have my objections to it too, but you can't deny most men watch it at least occasionally.

ScafellPoke · 22/03/2019 06:41

Have you tried looking at porn yourself?... It’s not about what the woman looks like, it’s about what they’re doing.
Try it!! You might enjoy it!!.... There’s lots if porn out there designed for women

Fatted · 22/03/2019 06:45

@GlenPonder I grew up in the 80s and remember porn mags being on sale in WH Smith when I was younger. Because I remember asking my mum why naked women were on them!! Why do you think the internet was invented in the first place?! With every great technological advancement, the one thing that benefits from it is porn!! There are photos of naked women from the 1800s when cameras were first invented. Don't be so naive.

OP. I can't tell you how to feel or how to act. I'm not bothered if my DH watches porn. I find other men sexual attractive. I perhaps do things on my own sometimes rather than with him. But that doesn't mean I find him any less attractive or enjoy or relationship any less. I don't know how I would be able to feel if my DH told me I could never find another person sexually attractive ever.

GlenPonder · 22/03/2019 06:55

@Fatted I'm not saying the didn't exist I'm saying that I doubt they were as widely consumed, or accepted as modern porn.

I think it's ok not to want your partner creaming over other woman. If you are ok with it, you're ok with the objectification, trafficking and abuse of woman and teen girls.

Abouttimemum · 22/03/2019 06:57

My husband isn’t that fussed about porn at all, I watch it more than he does. I probably masturbate more than he does too. Either way it doesn’t bother either of us.

It definitely shouldn’t impact on your sex life at all or be a replacement for a happy and fulfilling time in bed together. Then it’s a problem.

It’s also a problem if you’re just not happy about it. It’s ok to feel that way and honestly he should be more respectful of your feelings. You can’t make yourself be ok with it so I wouldn’t try. Everyone has different tolerances and boundaries.

I love my husband far far far more than I enjoy a quick orgasm while watching a stupid video. And if he didn’t like it then I wouldn’t do it, and vice versa I’d expect.

GlenPonder · 22/03/2019 06:57

Oh and final question to the porn apologists, how would you feel if your 19 year old daughter was uploading vids like "vid of me giving good head" or "me playing with my anal beads". For money. Honest answers please.

coffeeaddiction · 22/03/2019 07:01

It's not something that bothers me at all mainly because I know for my husband it's not looking at perfect bodies and wishing his wife looked like that and it's not really even perving over women it's more just the action of sex that he watches

hardyloveit · 22/03/2019 07:05

I don't care about my dh watching porn. I just don't see it as an issue. But op you obviously do and that's okay too. Have u maybe tried watching it together?

Coy - you said a lot of woman are trafficked into watching porn - maybe learn some facts first. Proper made prom in the industry is from very well paid woman who love what they do! There are several names out there and they win awards etc like the oscars.

There will be some woman in the porn industry who are trafficked but it isn't in the "good" movies that will be on some crap free porn site with low res etc you can tell the difference. A lot of woman enjoy it! Get paid way more than men.

Your other point of how do you know most men watch it......... because they just do. A lot of men will tell their partners they don't (like. Lot of my friends ) but they do! Many woman watch it to. It's sex!

WarmthAndDepth · 22/03/2019 07:13

You're fine not liking him watching porn. It is grim, exploitative and a massive feminist issue. For that reason my DP wouldn't watch it. A matter of principle. Not because I am the pinnacle of sexual thrills for him, but because he cares about women and girls, and because porn sets women (and men, actually) up.

BestBeforeYesterday · 22/03/2019 07:18

how would you feel if your 19 year old daughter was uploading vids
What a stupid question. Of course I wouldn't be happy about that! There is a difference between consumption and production you know. I enjoy watching motorbike races, yet I would be devastated if my son decided to participate.
This is always my objection when people say that porn shouldn't be watched because of the widespread abuse in the sex industry. What about the banana/avocado/pineapple you had for lunch, the precious metals in the phone or computer on which you are reading MN, the clothes you are wearing right now? You do know about the horrific working conditions they have been produced in, including child slave labour and sexual abuse, yet you don't think twice about consuming them. But of course the right thing to do is lecture others about boycotting porn, which you don't consume anyway!

GlenPonder · 22/03/2019 07:23

Ah the ol' clothes analogy! See that on here before and liked it as an excuse for being a porn apologist? Actually I do think twice about where my clothes come from and choose to shop ethically. Do you?

My question isn't stupid at all. If you're not okay with your 19 yo doing porn then you're not ok with the objectification of YOUR woman. Other people's 19 yo are fine to be wank fodder though? The othering of our teenagers and women BY women. I despair.

People are fucking terrible.