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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to not feel angry about PORN

184 replies

Jealouslady · 22/03/2019 00:27

Been an argument for the last 8 years with my dp. He hides it well these days but I'm not stupid I know he still watches it and sometimes I even can tell when if we go through a phase of not being able to have sex because we have a small child. Sleepless nights too busy etc. I've read about it on different forums including mumsnet and there's all these ladies saying they really don't mind their dp watching porn. How can I not mind? I want to just not care and be like yeah whatever but I just feel so jealous and peeved off. If you're a lady who really doesn't care about your dp watching God knows who then how can I get to that stage of literally not caring about it?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 08:14

“And many of us do our best to participate in the exploitation of others as little as possible-
A fraction of people do. ”

I agree. I wish more people did. Not sure why that makes participating in the poem industry OK, though.....

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 08:16

I know, I'm just wanting to find out how to stop feeling anything at all about it and not be bothered in the slightest

As per my previous replies, stop trying to change yourself. You have been unhappy for a very long time and your only possibility of resolution seems to be to try and change your entire thoughts and feelings. That's not normal. You sound like you are so dragged down you will do anything to stay with this guy, who, lets face it, doesn't seem to give a flying shit about how you feel.

Don't dumb down your feelings. Being ok with porn or not isn't even relevant here. Trying to change yourself because of someone else's actions, that's a massive red flag in your relationship.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:18

Why do you think the internet was invented in the first place?!

I saw a sex worker say this in a documentary too and I guffawed out loud at the ... Well I can't think of a word that's 'nice' so I'll say nothing.

The internet started as a military/university project to have a national/international comms system that would stay up in crisis.

It developed from there, porn and the sex industry has benefitted from it; just like everything else that you can think of had benefitted from it.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:19

*has

ResistanceIsNecessary · 22/03/2019 08:41

One simple question for those who are comfortable with porn and feel it's normal; would you be happy with schools and job centres encouraging it as a suitable career choice for your daughter?

If the answer is anything other than 'yes', then you need to examine your motives; why it would be OK for some girls to do porn but not your girl.

RiversDisguise · 22/03/2019 08:45

Sex workers can make jokes, you know..?

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:46

People asking how anyone knows the majority of men watch porn (occasionally at least) - no-one knows for sure but we can base our experience, and mine is that the vast majority of men I will known - partners, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, relatives etc (where I have had the opportunity to find out) watch porn. If you appear to be non judgemental, they will tend to be more open/truthful.

I've had a relationship with one man who didn't watch porn, had tried it but said it didn't do much for him, hd preferred to fantasise and bout sexual encounters or experiences he had. He's the only one u can think of though.

I do agree with the posters who say that op is more likely to find herself in a relationship with a man who (at least occasionally) watched porn than one who never does, should she end the relationship with her current partner.

A lot of men may also go to ground with it if asked outright, or if its made clear it's unacceptable and offensive to op.

Some proportion of men may stop (or try to change to ethical porn) if they were talked to about the (real) concerned about exploitation, trafficking etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:47

Sex workers can make jokes, you know..?

She wasn't joking ; she was quite earnest (she was s rather eccentric lady).

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:49

*concerns

Thisnamechanger · 22/03/2019 08:53

PRoseLegend he thinks you reading erotica is "cheating on him with your mind"? Confused

Crikey. By that definition DP and me are headed for Jeremy Kyle!

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:53

OP if it the ethical side of things you were bothered by, I'd obviously advise a conversation with your partner about that and about trying to use ethical porn; but it doesn't seem to be.

Its him 'getting off' to other women - I'm not trying to be offensive but do you really feel that you and only you should be the only sexual thought or fantasy that he has?

Is he the only source or reference for every sexual urge/thought/fantasy you have?

Moralitym1n1 · 22/03/2019 08:55
  • I forgot to say that in addition to our experiences, a couple of sex surveys have reported that the vast majority of men said they used porn.
madeyemoodysmum · 22/03/2019 09:13

What coyacan said in a nutshell

Eliza9917 · 22/03/2019 09:48

The porn discussion aside, does nobody get how controlling it is to tell the DH that he can't wank or watch porn if he chooses to?

Imagine if a woman came on here saying her husband has forbidden her to masturbate. She'd be told to leave him.

And to everyone saying he should respect the OP's wishes etc, why shouldn't she respect his? Why does her preference trump his?

Dramatical · 22/03/2019 10:03

Why does her preference trump his?

Imo it doesn't. The problem here is balance. They should split up though because they are not compatible. She has spent 8 years being unhappy and is trying to find a way to dumb down her feelings rather than realise the relationship isn't working.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 10:18

“Imagine if a woman came on here saying her husband has forbidden her to masturbate. She'd be told to leave him.”
I agree. Who is forbidding anyone to masturbate?

ifoundthebread · 22/03/2019 10:33

I don't care about my dp watching porn because it doesn't effect me in any way. When I'm in the mood he fulfills my needs, it's never got in the way of anything, hasn't changed his expectations of me or our sex life. So why should I care what he does in his spare time, would it make it easier if he 'got off' to an imaginary image in his head, he's still not 'getting off' with you/to you.

Scott72 · 22/03/2019 10:44

I'm guessing many ladies would still be a bit upset if they caught their husbands wanking even without porn, but due to the ubiquity of internet porn the odds are if hes wanking he's going to be using porn.

JazzyJelly · 22/03/2019 10:49

It would bother me. Porn often depicts women in pain, women being degraded, and you never know whether the woman is doing it of her own free will. I won't be with a man who can cum knowing he might be getting off on rape. It's a deal breaker for me.

saccade · 22/03/2019 10:51

There is a vast difference between using imagination/thoughts, and using pornography. Do not conflate the two. It is depressing how many women have rationalised their partner’s porn use. Those who do, answer ResistanceIsNecessary ‘s question - are you happy for your daughter to explore it as a career option?

saccade · 22/03/2019 10:55

Also, to the man who keeps popping up with unsupported assertions on this thread: do not conflate masturbation and porn use, or link the two as an inevitability; moreso, do not presume that a woman would have anything like the same feelings about a partner masturbating, as a partner using porn.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 10:58

“I'm guessing many ladies would still be a bit upset if they caught their husbands wanking even without porn“
Why are you “guessing” this?

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 10:59

“I don't care about my dp watching porn because it doesn't effect me in any way.“

Are you not affected at all by the exploitation of other women?

yesyesyep · 22/03/2019 11:01

I'm not bothered at all by my husband watching porn. We don't really talk about it, but we have spoken about it before and often joke about weird types of porn or viral videos.

It doesn't bother me because he isn't watching it because he fancies the woman, he's watching the action of sex. The woman could be anyone, and it's very likely it would be next time. So what if she's fitter than me? All the blokes have bigger penises than him too, it's another world. It's fantasy land.

If he wants to masturbate and enjoys watching porn for those few minutes (I doubt he's going on for hours! Lol) then that's fine. He doesn't think about it for the rest of the day and it doesn't interfere with our lives. I sometimes watch porn too so I am very understanding.

As for my daughter becoming a porn star. It's not something I would actively encourage, I don't want to think about her ever having sex, but if she was genuinely happy then I would have to let her get on with it. It is a job after all. Whether people agree with it or not.

My line ends at strippers though. I don't agree with them. That would make me jealous as they are there in front of him and he is actively fancying them rather than the act. Everyone's lines are different.