Dating thread 151: We are the prize...

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Sorry about the bold text..

Wow this thread moves so quick trying to keep up is hard lol well I had my 2nd date with Mr Local I went to his for coffee. Lots of kissing but I'm determined to hold off sleeping with him for another few dates. I feel this could have a future and don't want sex to cloud my judgement. Was supposed to have a date with Mr Biker tomorrow but I'm going to cancel as don't feel I want to date anyone else till I see how things go with Mr Local. I don't know why it all feels so easy with him but it does.

mrd and rich thank you for taking the time to give such good advice. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I did try counselling once but it didn’t work out. Time to try again I think - I’m a hurt person hurting someone right now, I think, and I need to sort it out ☹️

@CassettesAreCool I would definitely try different counsellors if one doesn't suit. The two I have had are very different styles, each with their benefits and each with their negatives. I would not recommend relate counsellors as they have so many impositions pushed on them by relate that I don't think they have the flexibility to adapt.

I am sure there are 1001 self-help books out there, too, although finding the one that can unlock your particular issues might be hard to do. For general emotion management, I would recommend "The Chimp Paradox", although it might be a bit general for your needs.

Mr Sales the recurring iron has barely been in touch so I'm leaving him be, he's not suitable for chasing. MrFar however... Is too far for an ongoing thing but is so my type and we've been chatting a fair bit and we are interested in each other. So we are making plans to meet.
I have another match but he swiped second so I'm not messaging first on principle

@Ant330 I'm not sure that everyone is chatting to loads or multi dating. I turn off tinder once I have a few chats going. And most of those go nowhere fast. I only move to WhatsApp once we've agreed to meet and I only meet one person at a time. Otherwise I can't focus on the person and I feel it's unfair. And I get confused. I don't mind starting all over again if it doesn't work out. It only takes a week or so from swiping to meeting someone.

And I don't think multi dating stops the overinvesting either.
That happens whatever if you like someone. Happened in the good old days too....

Unless you're looking for FB /FWB which I was over the summer. After I'd screwed up my first OLD potential relationship by assuming he was multi-dating....

Thanks wishywashy

I get that they're just conversations in the most part. I think I mainly feel guilty to MsBathLegs as we messaged a lot over the weekend, but you're right that the other conversations have stopped me over investing.
midcentury yes I have to keep scrolling up and down to remember what they've already told me!
peanut that's pretty much exactly how I feel, it seems unfair!
But hey I'll go with it for now and see what happens, I suppose it's no bad thing for people to think you're in reasonable demand should they ask. I have another match this morning, MsMedical, so I'll see if anything comes of that. She's 6 years younger and very attractive, I might be punching!

Everyone seems so busy with their dates and irons!

I'm still getting nowhere on any sites. Messaged a few on POF over the weekend. Usual response - looked at my profile but no reply.
I had a few chats going on Fab but they seem to have faded away without any suggestion of meeting.
I'm debating trying Tinder again not sure if it's worth it.

I've never really had to worry about multi-dating. All my dates from the last 2 years or so have been one offs with the exception of just 3 that made it to a second date. So I never worry about chatting to more than one as I know most chats are unlikely to get to dates or further.

Cassettes I third finding another counsellor - you'll find one who is a good 'fit' eventually.

JeSuis I would have fun, too. You aren't committed to anyone yet.

How do the rest of you manage to turn your initial messaging into dates so quickly?
Is it because blokes are just easier and desperate to meet
MsOz wants to chat a couple of times over the phone first, think she's a bit cautious due to past relationships, feel like I'm going for an interview!

@ant330 is her schedule pretty jam packed? She might just be cautious. I’ve done phone chats before if I’ve been chatting to a few people and have limited dating time, or if it’ll be a week or so until we can meet - stops everyone overinvesting if it’s hard to keep a conversation going.

Had a third date last night with Mr HeadTilt but he disclosed a couple of things that were much, much bigger deal breakers than the smoking... providing that’s the full truth then he was brave to tell me, but I can’t see him again after that.

Have a date tonight with Mr Surgeon who told me yesterday that he’s moving locations in a couple of weeks as part of rotation. But I’m still going as he comes across as a nice guy. If we get on then can cross that bridge later as it’s only an hour and a half from me.

Also still chatting to Mr PhD, seems really sweet so far. Really clever and well read guy which is mega attractive

WotcherHarry I think she's just cautious, sounds like a few crappy 1st dates.

@Ant330 I know the general consensus is to meet up ASAP but I liked to establish whether or not I felt it was worth meeting or not first, perhaps that's what she's doing? Between work/ kids/ dogs/ horses/ social life I'm not left with a great deal of time so I tried to gauge if I felt 'something' first.
I'm not saying it's the right way to go about things, but just perhaps what she's doing! I actually chatted pretty solidly with my now BF for about 4 weeks before we finally met. That was mainly due to me being too busy to meet rather than my interviewing process 😆, but actually by the time we met I felt really comfortable with him.
I guess in response to your question I'd just say play it by ear, have the phone conversation with her and if you still feel you want to, just make it clear to her that you'd love to take her out if she'd like.
Some people are happy to meet after a few lines of conversation (the one guy I did this with admitted 20 minutes into our date that he'd been in prison for domestic violence, cheated on his ex with her sister and liked to sniff cocaine on a weekend so perhaps that's why I adopted a more stringent vetting process! 😂) where as others need to build up to it a bit more. It was also fairly obvious which ones were only interested in a pen pal so I liked to get those ones filtered out pretty quick too!
Sorry for the massive post!

@Ant330 I am amazed at how well people on here manage to convert chats into dates. I found that I hardly wanted to swipe on anyone, got few matches, even fewer replies and the chats generally went nowhere.

I managed to go on dates with 3 people. 1 messaged me that morning and was in the vicinity of my work (I hadn’t told him where I worked but there are only 2 options with my job title and they’re very close to each other). So he opportunistically asked to meet for a coffee. The second one took several days of chatting to meet for a coffee. It was rubbish. The third was MrSG. We chatted for 2 weeks before meeting. The delay was logistical rather than anything else. If I hadn’t met MrSG, I’m pretty sure my fairly dismal success rate would have continued.

On football, MrSG (who used to have a season ticket for the local team - not palace, but it has been mentioned on the thread) wants to take me to a game before the end of the season. And he really wants to go to see my team (who I had a season ticket for as a teenager) play at some point. I need to wait until after the SPL split to see if I can find a convenient home game to take him to though. At least I can take him to see a team that wins things. 😆

the one guy I did this with admitted 20 minutes into our date that he'd been in prison for domestic violence, cheated on his ex with her sister and liked to sniff cocaine on a weekend so perhaps that's why I adopted a more stringent vetting process!

Just imagine what he was actually hiding!

Yeah I hardly swipe right on anyone and I only meet people I've clicked with and I filter quite stringently. And I like to have messaged for about a week before I meet. And do a social media stalk too. There's still never more than a couple of weeks between rejection and new date. I'm in London though so a large pool.

wishywashy crustaceans thank you, I was worried I was doing something wrong.

My interview comment was tongue in cheek. Think we'll be talking this evening, nervous but looking forward to it.

@Crustaceans I'm the same, amazed at how many here turn chats into dates. I rarely swipe on anyone either, the few dates I've had, I haven't really been attracted to in person despite having great chats online. Quite disheartening at times!

@Ant330* My interview comment was tongue in cheek. Think we'll be talking this evening, nervous but looking forward to it.*

I understand it was tongue in cheek, although effectively that's kind of what's happening on both sides - OLD is basically interviewing potentials whether that be for a LTR, FWB or ONS!

Hope the convo goes well anyway, just be yourself and maybe have a few topics of convo on standby to avoid any awkward silences!

Morning all!
Bats way to go!

Had a long chat with Mrs LongBlondeHair last night. We are in the same book, possibly the same chapter, but not entirely on the same page. She wants a LTR, and I'm pretty sure I don't right now. I'm up for DTD, but she wants it to develop naturally.

I can't see her now for a couple of weeks due to work, but I think she may be a slow burn. The next date will NOT involve me doing a 150 mile round trip though. I now realise that really was overinvesting - Thanks for those who pointed it out...

Looking forward to my date with Mrs Yogi-not-a-bear tomorrow night. Much more local, and wants a physical guy for fun times...

Whereas I should* be thinking, why wouldn't they be interested.

So I'm going to stop agreeing to dates with whoever I swap numbers with, and let things develop with whoever, naturally and at their own pace.*

Absolutely this!

shit you are!

I know it's easier said than done but I quickly realised that saying yes to everyone who asked was impossible and also a massive waste of my valuable time so I began saying no to most and only yes to the ones I thought were really worth a shot!

@wishywashy6 @shitwithsugaron We need to keep on reminding ourselves of that!