Dating thread 151: We are the prize...

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@BatshitCrazyWoman (@richdeniro) it's a tough one isn't it.. I completely understand where everyone is coming from and there is that old adage of "do unto others" etc (isn't that one of the rules).. so I guess it's about making sure everyone is on the same page.

I've given up the ghost on my old iron, who love bombed me but seems to trying to keep things ticking over by still messaging me but with no view to setting up a third date (I guess I'm a fallback). I don't know why he just doesn't disappear properly. Do any of you have this going on at the moment, is this normal?

Think I may have ruined a long-term friendship by jumping in to bed with him last week. He wanted to stay over this weekend but I felt quite icky about it and kind of cold-shouldered him. Not my proudest moment. But we will bounce back with humour in time (hopefully!) as friends again.

I have a date with someone else tonight who i wasn't that fussed about initially but he does seem to be a slow grower banter-attraction-wise.. I had to cancel last night because of some work stuff and he was chilled about it - I'm looking forward to it :-)

Sorry that was supposed to be for you @JeSuisPrest not @BatshitCrazyWoman!
Must use a laptop and not my bloody phone..

I appreciate everyone's perspective on it. Food for thought certainly.

I would only add, how would you feel? Does he think you are exclusive?
And whatever the rights or wrongs, it does sort of put you in player territory.

And if the sex is amazing with plumber boy will you give it up? Maybe better to postpone the banker by a week and see how you feel about the plumber.

@Howlingatthesun No we've not had an exclusive chat - we've had one date. When we started chatting he asked if I was chatting to anyone else. I answered honestly that I wasn't. There is no future with MrPlumber it would absolutely be a one off itch scratching session - he's emigrating imminently and wholly unsuitable anyway long term.

I'm not actively dating as yet, but I watched a series on Netflix this weekend called Dating Around.

Basically there's six episodes where in each one a single person (in New York) goes on five first dates with different people and you get to follow them from the initial meet to post dinner to see if they click.

Highly recommended

jesuis sorry, I thought you had already dtd/progressed things a bit with Mr B. If Mr P is only ever going to be a one-off FB then there's no problem is there in relation to doing by Mr B as you would be done by? There just may be a problem for you emotionally.

rich every time you mention 'emotionally unavailable' it makes me worry. I think that's what I am. How do I change?

@CassettesAreCool For full disclosure we DTD on our one date 😳

@JeSuisPrest go for it, you won't regret it I'm sure, but you will if you don't! Life is too short and quite frankly, you are not cheating on anybody and Mr Banker won't be any the wiser...plus, he could be doing exactly the same!

@CassettesAreCool Re: emotionally unavailable: get professional counselling.

JeSuisPrest my only thought is if Mr Banker did the same how would I feel? Maybe it's because I'm new to OLD and so haven't been ghosted or fucked around with yet (so Mr Banker could be a player for all I know) but I would feel bad if someone told me he wasn't chatting to anyone else but then slept with an ex or someone else - like maybe I wasn't good enough to wait one extra night for?

Dammit, MrD, I was afraid you would say that! And how do I get over my fear of opening up that particular can of worms??

@roe2002 I've been watching Dating Around - it's hilarious and sad at the same time.
Is it real-life stuff though or actors? That's what I've not worked out yet

@StealthNinjaMum I hear what you're saying, I really do. I've been ghosted more times than I care to remember, stood up several times and shit on from a great height by someone who I met through OLD who after 4 months told me I was a great gal, but not someone he was ever going to fall in love with, so perhaps my skin is a little thicker at the moment than it should be.

OLD is not for the faint hearted that's for sure. Perhaps I am emotionally unavailable, perhaps MrBanker is playing around maybe he's not (he has been online on POF since we've been chatting- maybe he was looking at my profile, maybe he was looking around, who knows?)

Right I've got some thinking to do...

And if past experience is anything to go by one or other or both of them will cancel on me anyway - karma doing her best work. 🙈

@JeSuis, it's really hard isn't it. I think we get so faffed off by guys going all weird it hardens us. Met with friends over the weekend who met via OLD, she said (she is a pysch) that whilst women multi-date for the purpose of not wanting to get hurt (over-investing) men just get "greedy". That's completely generalising and I am sure that doesn't apply to the men here on this board (I think they wouldn't be here if they were like that)..? (And that completely discounts you @rich as I've been around on quite a few of these threads and have seen your heartache!) But I think it is in the main true..

The problem is....if you tell someone on a first date that you're dating about....well it should be a given first off. Its also not a sexy chat to have. Second off with women (I dunno about men) if you tell them you are....they can go a bit nuts. Nothing is a given on a first date or mayve even a second or third date. Or maybe not till you've had 'the chat'. I personally think this early in the game....as long as you don't ghost/flake/waste someones saturday night etc....its fair game.

On which note. I'm seeing mr old iron tomorrow. Maybe I'll call him Mr stillontinder. Still haven't decided what to do about it. I flip between thinking sod this. Just end it. And. But first let's have more sex! And maybe I should ask directly. Etc. I bet I end up just having more sex. Idiot

I meant that the other way round...men can flip out if you tell them. I'm sure women can too but obvs I have no experience of that

@rich that reply pissed me off on your behalf... could you imagine trying to have a basic conversation with her if she goes on like that... would do my bloody head in.

@jesuis have lots of fun...

I have finally after not leaving my bed for 3 days entered the 'fucking angry want to knock a house down and throw rubble at people i dislike alot... litrally like father Ted said "liars and twats" and then scream at them stage of grief"

Have fun everyone

@mid-century.

I think it's a reality show, although the episode with the cool, geeky girl seemed a little suspect...

jesuisprest I will probably have a different reply in six months time but I know that there are a few nice guys out there and wouldn't want to hurt someone like richdeniro

Those are the words of someone who has only been on one date with one man and has a date with a second man organised. So probably the least experienced person on the thread.

warriorprincess
I know it will be of no help at all, but if venting at/to a stranger on the internet would help even a little then pm me ;)
I haven't got any answers nor can I come close to imagining what you're going through, but you're helping me get fat with crisp recommendations so it's the least I could do

warriorprincess go shit-flinging like an angry ape, let it out. Hugs and for you.

@CassettesAreCool

okay, you asked for it. Fear. My favourite topic of conversation. Ask yourself "what is fear?" I put it that fear is the lack of confidence in being able to handle some outcome. Here's an example...

"I am afraid of being rejected"... if I rephrase that to be "I lack confidence in my ability to handle rejection", I hope you agree that that its saying the same thing, yet a much more accurate reflection of the truth. Then if you can convince yourself "that I am I big grown up adult and I have been through a lot of shit and I handled that, so I think I can handle some rejection. Wait a minute, did I just conquer my fear of rejection?"

So yes, counselling will be opening up a can of worms, and it is going to be worse before it gets better, but I have a lot of confidence that you can handle it, without needing to know too much about you. You have already shown a huge amount of emotional intelligence to spot that you might be emotionally unavailable and that may be holding you back... and that you aren't comfortable with the situation.

(That reframing of fear is taken from "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway")