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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold I’m in shock

301 replies

BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
problem1234567 · 17/03/2019 22:00

Sorry, that does sound suspicious as per your second paragraph. Can you screenshot the questionable messages so you can clearly show him what you've found?

C0untDucku1a · 17/03/2019 22:00

He called you crazy. You saw the messages. He can’t deny it. So he has already started on his excuses for others; youre crazy.

Lock the door and leave the key in it.

What’s your financial situation? Do you work?

PersonaNonGarter · 17/03/2019 22:02

It is not all in your head.

You are not crazy.

Hanab · 17/03/2019 22:03

The only reason he stormed out is because of guilt in my humble opinion. If nothing has happened they were planning something.

mummmy2017 · 17/03/2019 22:03

Text him he is not putting the blame for this one you, it is not in your head, you saw it.. and he had better explain what the hell is going on.

mummmy2017 · 17/03/2019 22:05

Also I would be so tempted to use the tablet and ask the home wrecking person what the heck she is playing at chasing him, and that you will go public as you have screen shots of her posts.

crappyday2018 · 17/03/2019 22:06

So sorry OP, you must be in total shock. Its pretty obvious he's lying. They all do. Can you screenshot the messages you saw on the ipad so you have evidence to keep? Otherwise he will delete everything and then try to convince you that you took them 'the wrong way'.
Now he knows you are on to him he will try to remove any evidence there is, and then try to convince you there is nothing going on. Be prepared for that!
Not sure what your situation is but I wouldn't let him come back!
For starters, if he was innocent, why would he run away?
Can you also look for this woman on social media and try to find out about her? He's probably gone running off to her.

bigchris · 17/03/2019 22:06
Sad

That last message sounds so dodgy, he's definitely cheating, so sorry xx

SleepWarrior · 17/03/2019 22:07

"You're crazy" is just a way of avoiding the discussion entirely - it's like saying "no comment". It gives him thinking deleting
time Angry

Look for more evidence?

Honeyroar · 17/03/2019 22:08

Oh how horrible, no wonder you're in shock. Of course you're not crazy. It was all there in black and white.

I hope you got some screenshots of some messages.

Can your friend stay with you tonight?

MrsTeaspoon · 17/03/2019 22:08

You know you are not crazy so ignore that. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have his wallet, he’s a grown man and can look after himself. Friendship with colleagues/ex colleagues is of course fine but if that was the case there would have been no need for him to ‘weest’ the proof from you - there would only be innocent, platonic, appropriate contact.
Only you can work out what this means to you and you must be in shock, I’m so sorry lovely.

Skinniesandconverse · 17/03/2019 22:09

I'm really sorry OP.

I get so sad reading these threads.

Sounds like you have a very supportive friend, thank goodness. What's your financial situation? Please stay clear from the drink. Sorry for the cliché, but you really won't find the answers there.

Handhold here x

PlasticPatty · 17/03/2019 22:09

It's over. Keep breathing. Get legal help tomorrow.

Finish the brandy and go on to tea or water. You'll need a clear head for the next couple of years.

CoparentFail · 17/03/2019 22:12

Mine was "just good friends". Mine was "working together". I was "crazy", "paranoid" etc etc.

Mine now "lives with her".

Sorry OP, he reeks of guilty.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 17/03/2019 22:13

Gobshite will have gone straight out and text her telling her that you know.

He will also be deleting everything off his phone.

His guilty reaction and switching it round to you is all you need to know.

CoparentFail · 17/03/2019 22:14

"You'll need a clear head for the next couple of years"

Oh you said a mouthful there, sister. Grin
The truth there is total.

Original poster
BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 22:19

I’ve been trying to think it over and surely if you were absolutely innocent you would not react the way he has right?

I’m now 99% certain by his reaction there is definitely something going on. The only other thing I can compare this too is when I found porn on the shared pc. This was going back years ago he swore black and blue it wasn’t him even with the evidence that he had clearly searched this page out Day after day that it wasn’t him. He never admitted that.

I took screen shots off my own phone.

I checked her profile as soon as I saw the messages and she is also married.

Money wise I’m ok, Well for the time being at least as all our savings are in a separate account that only I have access to.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2019 22:21

It's so disrespectful, both what he's been doing and the fact he's treating you like a fool. I'm so sorry.

Thatnovembernight · 17/03/2019 22:22

I discovered my husband was cheating the exact same way (iPad and phone linked). We split up that night. Don’t let your husband bullshit you. The fact he wrested the phone off you says there’s much more to this. I used my phone to take photos of the messages on the screen. I showed them to the solicitor. Also every time he texted me asking why I was throwing everything away etc I just sent the photos of the screen to him as a reply.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/03/2019 22:24

you are not crazy OP, glad you're thinking ahead too Flowers

JaneEyre07 · 17/03/2019 22:24

Oh I'm so sorry OP. He's certainly following the script, isn't he?

Take care of yourself Flowers

Petalflowers · 17/03/2019 22:25

I wonder what he would have said regarding the drinks? Would he have told you the truth, or lied?

Definitely suspicious that you have never heard of this woman before, especially someone he has worked closely with. Admittedly I don’t know all of dh’s work colleagues, but he does mention the ones he works closely with.

Him wrestling the phone of you is very telling. If it were all innocent, he would show you the messages.

At least it’s probably an emotional affair.

pictish · 17/03/2019 22:25

I’m so sorry, he was planning to have an affair with her. Absolutely.
It’s dreadful of him to lie about it.

sam221 · 17/03/2019 22:25

Most people will not agree with me but that homewreckers husband deserves to know. Send him the screenshots.

MsDogLady · 17/03/2019 22:27

Her:
I miss you dearly.
You are my soulmate.
I am so attracted to you.

Him:
Let’s go out for drinks next weekend.
On my way home now, will text when I can.

You are not crazy. He is lying and treating you with contempt. They are not just friends. They are romantically involved on some level. She is his secret.

Do not allow him to shift the blame to you by calling you crazy, irrational, paranoid, silly, etc. That is manipulation and gaslighting. Don’t fall for it.

It is entirely inappropriate for a married man to secretly text and meet up with an OW who is calling him soulmate and attractive. He knows what he is doing is wrong.

I would make him stay gone for a while as a consequence. He needs to know you mean business and you need time to process this.

I am so sorry.