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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold I’m in shock

301 replies

BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 24/03/2019 21:16

Did you ask him to explain his lying to you to set up his date with her?

MsDogLady · 24/03/2019 23:04

She was chasing him but he didn’t encourage it.

He’s still lying. At some point, probably in person, he did encourage her and gave her the green light, hence her open affection.

You know that he was an active participant when he said, “Let’s meet for drinks” and told you a huge lie to set that up.

He is refusing to take responsibility, blaming all of this on OW and on you for your reaction.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 25/03/2019 00:43

Nobody chases someone they're not getting any encouragement from. Unless they're deranged, in which case he would have told her no and told you there was an issue with someone harassing him.

another20 · 25/03/2019 07:23

It was all going to happen if he hadn’t got caught. He was already mentally f**king her and fantasising about extending the existing Emotional Affair in to a Physical Affair. He was a long way down that path when you intercepted. But you have no idea how long or how deep it actually went, if this has happened before with others etc - and he wil never tell you.

lololove · 25/03/2019 07:28

The hiding away in silence and avoiding the children...? That doesn't just happen to "let you calm down"! Particularly the children.

Well done you for staying so strong!

PleaseJustSayNo · 25/03/2019 07:36

Obviously the drinks didn't happen, but they would have. And who knows what else. He'd spun an elaborate lie to build a cover story.

I really feel for you because it looks like you have caught this before it turned physical. Does that mean that a line hasn't been irrevocably crossed and that maybe you can rebuild things over time? Given the DC involved, you would definitely not be the first.

For me though, I'd need 100% transparency and it would take a LONG time

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/03/2019 07:36

Good for you OP. Regardless of what you decide to do, he needs to understand that he can’t fuck off for a week when he decides the going gets tough, and his actions (or lack of them) have consequences.

He’s not contacted you, but you are an adult, and can control the situation to a certain extent. It’s the kids that can’t. They don’t understand why daddy has disappeared without contacting them.

Tilikum · 25/03/2019 07:57

I left you for a week so you could calm down Shock

He was guilty so he walked out on you and the kids and thought that you would bombard him with messages begging him to come back. You didn't so then he sent the 'alright' non-message to goad you into a response. You ignored that so now he's bringing flowers, denying everything and blaming everything on you for being hysterical. Everything he does is the absolute minimum he thinks he can get away with and there's no sense of taking responsibility for his actions. He just wants to stonewall and deny.

I really hope you're OK BlueRoses and the children aren't too confused.

bullyingadvice2017 · 25/03/2019 08:11

There will defo be more to this. Been there. You know everything you need to by their reaction when confronted. SO sorry op what a horrible time for you.

I tried to make it work and tried to believe his lies for a while. All that did was make him think he could take the piss out of me even more and make me miserable.
Two years later and me and the kids have a lovely life on our own. So much happier and can't believe I put up with his shit for so long.

honeyrider · 25/03/2019 15:17

He's so predictable and following the script of deflecting his guilt back on you, you being hysterical and needing to calm down as well as blaming the OW for pursuing him while he's the poor innocent sap.

He's a liar and still lying to you, he's only telling you what he thinks he'll get away with.

Bigblue1970 · 25/03/2019 15:59

I agree with others that he is lying and deflecting. I didn't want to believe that my DH would do anything so awful that I gave him the excuses for his behaviour. It just enabled him to carry on and get better at hiding it.
Please don't fall for it. I expect you'll find out more when the OW husband finally messages you. She may well have gone missing for the last week to 'have space' and 'find herself' allowing them to see if taking things further is what they want.
It's amazing what these people can say and for it to be believable in order for them to get what they want.
It was nearly 2 years later that I found out more from the OW now ex husband and how everything matched up!
Please look after yourself.

drogon1 · 25/03/2019 16:28

He might give you the whole I'm sorry spheel eventually and own up to his part in it. He'll be shocked he's been caught and is realising what he stands to lose. He'll tell himself he'll never do it again and he'll mean it...for now. But down the line this feeling will have thawed and he will contemplate straying again or actually do it.

ashtrayheart · 25/03/2019 17:01

Whatever happens from now, the intention to cheat was there, or he wouldn’t have agreed to drinks with her and more importantly lied to you about it. No one meets up with someone they have no interest in, who they know wants them, without there being a reason and it’s not to discourage them. It’s even worse as he is now blaming the OP for being ‘hysterical’ and the other woman for ‘bombarding’ him! Angry he has zero self awareness.

justilou1 · 25/03/2019 17:10

Yep... no intention of admitting to any of his own behaviours. What a twerp. You are so strong. You seem to know what you’re doing!

StormTreader · 25/03/2019 17:11

In all the "you are my soulmate!!!" messages, it wouldn't have taken too much for him to say "I'm married, you know that."

BumbleBeee69 · 25/03/2019 21:46

OP I am admire your strength and resilience during this difficult time, honestly, you are a credit to your kids Flowers

Scorpvenus1 · 26/03/2019 15:41

yea I agree tell him to save the excuses and go have his soul mate and see how long that lasts... just never let him back in.

notapizzaeater · 26/03/2019 15:54

Wow, good for you. He's only guilty because he's been caught out.

Bigblue1970 · 02/04/2019 18:38

Hi BlueRoses12, I hope that you are ok?

karenb6702 · 02/04/2019 19:13

I’m almost 3 weeks into this . Texting texting all the time asked him if he was having an affair he said yes and no . No he wasn’t having sex with her ( yet yes he said yet ) but he did want to be with her he couldn’t breath he missed her so much .
He’s left a 15 year marriage for a 29 year old girl .
He totally blames me saying I broke him with a stupid petty argument back in January that when he said he ramped it up with her cause of me .

I can’t begin to describe the pain the hurt the broken trust . He seems not to give a single dam and is now living with her .
I keep reading threads on here and that makes me believe I’m not alone and can get through this .
One thing I do know is once the trust is gone it’s gone cause I know I will never believe a single word he says ever again .

brickingmyselfaboutthis · 02/04/2019 19:32

@karenb6702 I am so so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. It will pass and you will be stronger. Sending hugs xxx

Slightlyjaded · 02/04/2019 20:08

So, let me understand this... She was actually a bit annoying and kept bombarding him with messages. He was so utterly uninterested in her that he has spent weeks browsing her facebook pictures, texting her and arranging to meet her for drinks whilst lying to you and saying he would be with workmates

Right.

Liar liar pants on fire.

Keep on, keeping on OP. He is a fucking lying scumbag and you are doing brilliantly.

boosterrooster · 02/04/2019 21:22

@karenb6702 so sorry you're going through this...and that he's had the neck to blame you. The cold, raw, shock is just absolutely foul. I'll never forget it. I had some counseling at the time as like you, I was blamed for it all and started second guessing myself. Knew deep down it wasn't me, but the counseling really helped. That and a week's prescription for Valium as the sleepless nights were just horrendous.

As for the "I can't breathe..." line..... utterly pathetic. I got "she was like a drug" about his 20 odd year old....the drug soon wore off and they both had a taste of Karma.

Stay strong love. You'll hear this a thousand times, but it does get easier I promise you x

karenb6702 · 02/04/2019 21:45

Thank you @boosterrooster
I’m waiting for a date to get some help from a therapist .

It’s the not eating not sleeping that’s getting to me just now every time I close my eyes I think of them
He even showed me some of her messages just to rub it in my face that little bit more . She makes him feel good and seemingly I don’t !(pity he never told me our marriage was over before he told her ! ) He said he just can’t live without her so packed his stuff and was gone to her within an hour .
He’s been back since ( thankfully I was at work)and now took all of his stuff there’s not even a pair of his socks here anymore .

A petty argument and I mean petty and he does this .
He never even tried to hide it when I asked he told me straight he loved her , could not live without her then said see you don’t make me feel this good and showed me some messages . He likes sticking the knife in that bit more !

Never seen or heard from him again nor his family who have cut me off as well . 15 years married and it’s like I don’t even exist 🤷‍♀️

SophiaLovesSummer · 02/04/2019 22:23

@karenb6702 Can't read and run Flowers

Was checking back see how OP was doing but saw your poasts and wanted to send some love. This WILL get better, I promise you. It may not feel like it now but I swear it will - I've lived it, breathed it, and survived it (as have countless others - including the awesome women on her - before me and after me).

It's just the sheer stunning shock of it isn't it? And the MASSIVE head-fuck that this is the person you would normally turn to.. yet they are now the source of the issue. It messes with your head let alone your heart.

Have you told perople in RL? Have friends around you? Can't see if you have DC (which obviously plays a factor as if do, then you remain connected to this shitbag for years and yes, that's hard but even that you can do andyou will get through).

I'd start a thread if I were you,MNers are fecking awesome at support and it sounds like you could do with it. Sending hugs FlowersFlowersFlowers