Need a handhold I’m in shock

[BlueRoses12]

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

I’d send it to her husband.

They were going on a date next weekend. He had already set up the lie he intended for you to swallow. That says it all. Despicable.

Now you know from the “will text when I can” that he was going to be thinking of her while interacting with you and the children, just waiting for the chance to text her. His double life has caught up with him.

I would shine a light on them. Gather support from dear ones. He and OW are now terrified that you will tell her DH. Personally, I would want to know.

You definitely aren't mad. There's something going on. Once "crazy" gets thrown around they're trying to cover their tracks.

I've told a spouse they were being cheated on in the past. It wasn't the best experience I've ever had but they certainly weren't angry with me. Her H has a right to know, ignorance is not bliss.

That being said he might not react well. She might have given him some kind of story already and he may also say you are crazy.

Take some time to examine what you want. No one should put up with cheating but infidelity isn't a death sentence for a relationship if both sides can work together and want to be together. You need to know what your feelings are and not just react in shock. You owe yourself time to decide what you would want and how that looks. I'm not staying you shouldn't haul his ass but that I understand not everyone wants that.

Mainly be kind to yourself. Whatever else you didn't "cause" him to cheat and this is on him.

If he was avoiding answering her texts directly, is there a slight chance that he was meeting her to let her down gently as she was his friend?

Sorry to say if he had nothing to hide then why was he wrestling you for his phone..? My husband and I both have locks on our phones but we each know each others passwords and really couldn't care less if either of us went through each others messages - basically because we have nothing to hide. To be frank his reaction speaks volumes.

Just sending you a big virtual hug. Have been there and no doubt you feel like your world has been turned upside down. I can categorically say you are not going crazy. Each situation is different so im not going to tell you what to do. Just take some time out for you so you can decide what to do. Font make it easy for him to walk back in I did ando the lying continued. You will be ok whatever happens Xx

he didnt tell you. you found out. I can hold your hand,you can NOT avoid that babe. @sam221 hand held,not retribution.yet.

I would echo that I'm sorry this has happened to you as well. It's a highly emotive time and very difficult thing to go through.

I would offer that now is not the time to be making any huge decisions. With that I mean little steps are ok - if you want him to stay elsewhere whilst you get some headspace absolutely. Speak to a legal representative just to garner some information. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself either. By all means make plans, write things down, speak to friends and family who you trust.

I also echo that you are not crazy or foolish or making things up. On 'paper' and judging by his reaction he has been caught out (in some way). It's called 'gaslighting' for someone to make the other person feel they're going crazy or don't recollect correctly (when they know otherwise). People act odd when they 're caught out and do strange things usually.

Take your time on things. Do things your way with whatever you're comfortable with. I would offer to stop contacting him aside from tell him what you would like in the short term ie: he stay elsewhere whilst you have thinking and speaking space.

Be kind and please do come back on here - loads of support to help you get through x

I'd go right ahead and send the shots to her husband. My sister sure wishes someone had told her, so she at least had a choice if she wanted to live with the cheating slime.

If he hasn't fucked her yet, he plans to

Game over

If they were ‘just friends’ he wouldn’t have been bothered by you reading his messages.

Tell her DH, the man deserves to know.

Tell your DH he’s not welcome back.

Don’t put yourself through the absolute hell of ‘trying to get past it’. That damaged me far more in the long run, I wish I’d just accepted it was over as soon as I found out instead of dragging the inevitable out.

Bag up some of his crap & put it outside for him to collect, get the locks changed and tell him he’s free to text her any time he likes now.

Then start sorting out the practical things.

yes send her husband the messages and get yourself tested for stds.

If it's 'all in your head', why would he have wrestled the phone off you? Surely an innocent man would be happy for you to see messages.

Clearly trying to hide it but not doing a good job. You're not crazy. He's just sorry that he got caught.

yes I would tell her DH he has a right to know.

The fact that he wrestled the phone from you tells you everything you need to know. You don’t owe him any type of explanation for how you feel or what you are going to do. Lock the door, leave the key in and ignore him. Tomorrow, dump all of his stuff outside and leave him to it, he doesn’t deserve any compassion because he lied and hasn’t afforded you any kind of credit.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Sorry, this must be a big shock for you. I found some dodgy messages on DHs phone once. I felt sick. But when confronted he actually had a plausible, innocent explanation. Since then he's always been quite happy for me to use his phone as and when necessary, and years later I have no reason to believe he was lying. The fact that yr DH tried to say you were the crazy one and wrestled the phone off you makes it look as though he does have something to hide. So sorry, big hand hold.

I would tell her husband .....she is not a nice person and her husband deserves better

Literally the same thing happened to me, husband, work whore, shared iPad. The messages broke my heart so I can understand how you feel.

You are not crazy. That's what liars say when they have been caught out. So sorry OP. Lock the door.

Sorry op

He’s been spending more time with you and the kids recently out of guilt. Maybe he was trying to stop himself having affair? But most likely he knew he was being a shit to you and so was trying to be nicer out of guilt.

Def tell her husband - he deserves to know

If he was ‘cooler’ in the messages, it means that he is savvy enough to not write blatantly incriminating comments. I have seen this before.

Setting up the lie for next weekend’s date and wrestling the phone and hightailing it are evidence that something is rotten in Denmark. They are absolutely in an EA or PA.

Don’t beat yourself up that you didn’t kick him out. You can tell him to stay gone. Pack some things and leave them outside or have someone take them to his mother’s.

I would message the OWDH the screenshots. He has every right to be informed.

I'm so sorry.

He's already had form for lying to you regarding the porn episode. Do not trust this man for a single second, he's already checked out and planted his bullshit for his date next weekend.

It sounds like you have an awesome friend, use her as a sounding board; I'd want to know too if my DP was playing away.

Another one here whose exH was cut from the same cloth and read from the same Script as yours.

You are NOT crazy. That is a line from The Script to make you doubt yourself, so you start thinking 'Is that really what I saw? Did it really mean what I think it did?'

Any innocent man would:
A) not call you crazy
B) not try and wrestle his phone from your hand
C) not storm out

The next part of The Script is when he will admit it all, possibly blame you for it, then beg forgiveness and that it will never happen again. But it does.

You are in shock right now. But the trust is gone. Personally, I don't think you ever get it back, not properly or fully anyway. It's always there at the front of your mind ie. husband late home from work - where is he, who's he shagging now?

I really really contemplated sending the screenshots of all the messages to the other husbands (oh yes, there was definitely more than one woman that my exH was at it with!) after all, I wished I'd known, I wish someone had told me what he was up to. In the end I decided not to - I didn't want to be responsible for inflicting that pain upon them. At least one of the couples split up a few months later anyway.

Take as long as you need to make your decisions. Get support from trusted people about it. Lock your doors and keep keys in all the locks so he can't get back in. You deserve so much more.

He’s definitely a lying bastard. If he hasn’t slept with her yet, he was nearly there
I don’t think that you should say anything to the woman’s partner/ husband . You are in complete shock at the moment and I don’t think that this is the time to make hasty decisions.
Agree that he is guilty and that is why he wrested the phone from you.I would text him and tell him that you need space and that you don’t want him back at the house.
Do not beg or plead with him. Do not alliow him to gaslight you.
Speak calmly, almost coldly .
Totally sympathise Op.

No, OP, you are not crazy. Him calling you crazy is his way of shifting the blame for his misdeeds from him to you. “No, hon, YOU are taking it way out of context. YOU are overreacting. It’s all in YOUR head. YOU are the crazy one.” And where is HIS responsibility in all of this?

Those are damning messages. I’m so sorry, OP, for you and the OW’s husband

Thank you all for the kind words. My heart goes out to everyone else who this has happened too.

I’ve heard nothing from him, he’s not turned up here or made contact with me.

I didn’t get much sleep but I’m not working today so it doesn’t matter.

I’m going to get the kids ready and off to school and will have a serious think about messaging the woman’s husband now I’ve calmed down a bit.