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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold I’m in shock

301 replies

BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Hanab · 18/03/2019 13:56

You misplaced your keys so changed the locks? Conveniently losing them .. okay okay don’t burn me! Situations like this just rile me up and I want to do not such nice things to men like this 🙈

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2019 13:57

I know you can't 'legally' lock him out of his own home but if you think he will stop you getting back in if you do go out then yes, please put the chain on and go out the back door.

Sit on the message you have written until tomorrow and you've slept on it.
Think about how you would feel if this was reversed.
If he knew and you didn't.
Would you want to know?
Do you think you have a right to know?

pootyisabadcat · 18/03/2019 13:59

Just tell the OW's husband. Gives him the choice what he wants to do but it's not fair he doesn't know he's living with a lying cheater. I'd put the chain on and go out the back. I'd tell everyone, too.

JocelynBell1 · 18/03/2019 14:04

Loopytiles Mon 18-Mar-19 13:51:57
Informing OW’s DH need not create “drama” or stress for OP: one message / conversation would suffice. No need to engage with OW or her H beyond that.

You are naïve if you believe this, Loopytiles.

FrozenMargarita17 · 18/03/2019 14:07

I would absolutely tell her H

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/03/2019 14:07

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m another one who went through very similar just over a year ago. I found work emails on his iPad that he had linked, between him and the OW (12 years younger...ouch). His bags were packed when he got home from work that day. He didn’t admit it but he didn’t deny it either...just left with his tail between his legs. They are still together now and maybe I pushed them together but he obviously could make his mind up what he wanted so I did it for him.
It still hurts but I have more good days than bad and our children are doing well. As much as I hate to look at him, we have been ‘amicable’ in terms of the children because they didn’t ask for any of this and they have suffered enough. My advice would be to keep the husband/wife stuff between the two of you and make things as pain free for your children as you possibly can. They don’t need to know right now that their daddy is a cheating scumbag. I’m sure they will in time, just as ours will and he has to face hat when it comes (as does she if they are still together).
Hope you are as ok as can be. The fact your husband hasn’t been in touch speaks volumes to me. If he hadn’t done anything wrong he would be fighting harder, surely?

MsDogLady · 18/03/2019 14:14

I would put on the chain and leave through the back. He has cruelly left you to suffer, and may indeed return and lock you out.

I would absolutely inform her DH. If he had discovered this first, wouldn’t you have wanted him to tell you? Surely you wouldn’t want to be kept in the dark.

AIBUtopickanyoldname · 18/03/2019 14:22

I think you have to tell her DH. Otherwise you’re colluding in their dirty secret. I personally couldn’t bear to be part of that triangle.

Interesting that everyone who unfortunately has first hand experience of this situation is unanimous that they would have preferred to have been told.

LuluBellaBlue · 18/03/2019 14:22

Another one to suggest that you need to protect yours and your children’s home and ensure you don’t get locked out so definitely go out the back door and I would also share the screen shots with her husband. I’d want to know if I were him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/03/2019 14:22

If my dp took my phone off me if he thought I was having an affair, I’d be a bit put out, but would let him look at is, knowing I’d done nothing wrong.

Twisique · 18/03/2019 14:41

If he was innocent he would be there with you talking to you about it.

ISpeakJive · 18/03/2019 14:52

He's taking the time to get his story straight, OP.

Triglesoffy · 18/03/2019 14:55

DON’T put the chain on. This immediately puts you in the wrong (in the eyes of the law). If your marriage is over and you intend to divorce him, then allowing him to lock you and the children out will play right into your hands. The solicitors on both sides will take a dim view of this so PLEASE do not be the one to do it.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/03/2019 15:06

There's a lot of people advocating telling the possible ow husband, but if the op wants to keep the damage to a minimum, and protect the kids, then it not a good idea.

Any possibility of an easy transition to single parent or divorce, is going to be up against an even angrier stbexh, who's out to hurt her even more. If he was even thinking about co operating in the future with money and kids, could be wiped out in one fell swoop.

What if her husbands violent or abusive and turns on the op or her dh? There's so much that could go,wrong with the let's tell him scenario. The op owes the other parties nothing, she only needs to look after her own end.

another20 · 18/03/2019 15:09

OP you just need to do what is best for you and your DCs right now, hour by hour.

If you are anxious that he will come over when you are out - do the chain thing. No court or solicitor is in place today to be taking any dim view.......right now. If / when HE decides to involve the authorities then that’s another bridge to cross when you get to it. But for now. Keep peaceful, calm and safe. He is not your friend.

If you need a weeks space before you speak with him - tell him and leave a bag packed outside.

Really don’t waste your breath or your headspace trying to find more evidence or asking him for an explanation or the truth.

You will not get it - no matter how hard you plead.

Triglesoffy · 18/03/2019 15:21

I beg to differ. ExH did similar to me so I pushed him outside into the street and slammed the door. Two minutes later I let him back in, but I received a stern letter from his solicitor saying that he had every right to be in the house and I was at fault for locking him out. If OP puts the chain on, he can later use this for his own advantage.

another20 · 18/03/2019 15:26

What advantage?

Triglesoffy · 18/03/2019 15:29

That the OP is behaving unreasonably.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/03/2019 15:34

How will behaving unreasonably affect her?

Triglesoffy · 18/03/2019 15:39

Because “unreasonable behaviour” is one of the 5 grounds for divorce. So if the OP sues her DH for divorce citing adultury, he can come back with either A) prove it (the adultery has to be proven to be fully sexual) B) you made me do it because you have behaved unreasonably by locking me out of the house. He can then make up other grievances but if he can prove that the OP locked him out of the house then he has a stronger case.

another20 · 18/03/2019 15:44

Stronger case for what?

youaremyrain · 18/03/2019 16:16

@Triglesoffy what does it matter? The guilt/responsibility for the divorce has no impact on the outcome/division of assets! OP needs to deal this immediate situation anyway before they get to that stage

Triglesoffy · 18/03/2019 16:25

Exactly!!! So locking him out of the house helps nobody.

another20 · 18/03/2019 16:37

Well it might help the OP and her children this afternoon when she is vulnerable and reeling from this. She might need space and a place of calm and peace to gather her thoughts without the stress of worrying about him walking in and triggering her at this difficult time.

cstaff · 18/03/2019 16:49

I presume you still haven't heard from him OP. Flowers