Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold I’m in shock

301 replies

BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
nespressowoo · 18/03/2019 09:21

Oh OP - I'm sorry. His silence speaks a million words. Thanks

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/03/2019 09:23

Yes, this is hurting you but by not telling you he is protecting you.

Well that’s one way of spinning it. Hmm. Mandala.. I think you sound very naive.

TeddyIsaHe · 18/03/2019 09:41

Mandala what you’re basically doing is gaslighting op. She knows what she’s seen, it’s not innocent in the slightest.

Op I hope you’re ok. I would also send the screenshots to her husband. Get it in the open and make your next move.

Tatiannatomasina · 18/03/2019 09:47

Messsage the husband and ask him to let you know what he finds. Its awful being in the dark, at least if you get confirmation from him you will be able to decide how you move on from this, with or without DH. Please look after yourself, remember to eat and drink something. You are being incredibly brave, unlike the coward you married.

Feilin · 18/03/2019 09:47

So sorry op. Be brave in the coming days . Its all very suspicious looking .

Pinkmonkeybird · 18/03/2019 09:53

I honestly feel for you having been through it myself last year. Being called 'crazy' and 'all in your head'. It is sickening when you think the person you trusted most has acted so disrespectfully rather than being honest. If the OW in my situation had been married (she was very young and very single) I'd have had no hesitation in sending their partner copies of the messages.

All I can say is that I did not hold back. I told all my friends and family, there was no hiding in shame or pride. Had I not, I would have been suffering alone with little support. Everyone was fantastic.

For those on here who have said it could be misunderstood and he was meeting to let her down, blah, blah, blah. As if!? If your DH had no guilt about this or feelings for this woman, I am sure he would be trying his best to reassure you, rather than calling you crazy etc. A lot of us have been there and it really is text book stuff. Had you not seen those messages, you would be none the wiser to his drinks night with his 'mates' and they would more than likely be concocting further steps.

Either way, he has betrayed you and it is up to you on how to proceed.

angieloumc · 18/03/2019 10:04

OP I'm so sorry, you deserve better.

user14869556378 · 18/03/2019 10:17

The way he has treated you since being found out is another disgusting act in itself. So disrespectful and to be honest so incredibly hurtful to just walk out and leave you like that. Even if not physical, that is definitely not how just friends behave and talk!!

ItsAMiracle2015 · 18/03/2019 10:24

Just wanted to say big hugs. I believed the 'we're just friends' 'you've read it wrong' 'you're crazy'. He assured me he would stop the 2am phone calls and texting. Fast forward to a year later, he was still speaking to her and in fact told me he no longer loved me and wanted to be with her instead (after 11 years together). I can't express in words how that whole experience destroyed my self esteem and self worth. Please, no matter what happens, know your worth ♥️.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2019 10:59

I'm sorry OP.
This is so so horrible for you.
The thing with these men that annoys me more than anything is the accusation that you are totally unintelligent and are now 'crazy'
All cheaters say that and they think we just believe their crap.
It's fucking insulting.
Can you speak to anyone today about it all?
Someone non-judgey who you can confide in?

So many of us have been where you are.
But give yourself some space.
Block him for now so you don't think about him not contacting you etc......

Rest up today and sleep if you can.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/03/2019 11:07

Don't involve her or her family op
This is between you and your dp

If you split it needs to be as drama free as possible, involving her and her dh is going to double your stress levels

Especially if he backs her and closes ranks on you, don't give your husband another stick to best you with

Making him angrier and shaming him to another party, takes away any trump card you had to play

Get your ducks in a row practically and don't play his games or hers

That way is always more stressful don't do it to yourself Thanks

TheLastNigel · 18/03/2019 11:45

I wish someone had told me. And actually the husband can weirdly be an ally in this for you-there's some comfort in knowing you weren't the only one being mugged off.

Sorry op. Lots of love to you. It's a horrible thing no doubt about it-but you can get through this and come out the other end, I promise. Even if it doesn't feel that way now.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2019 11:53

Not sure why you wouldn't involve her family.
SHE has already done that.
And the poor DH deserves to know.
It's friggin' horrible being the last to know.

nervousnelly22 · 18/03/2019 12:05

Please please tell her husband (as sensitively as possible) I've been in his shoes and it made it worse being the last to know. Added a lot of humiliation to the pain

Lordamighty · 18/03/2019 13:08

I would definitely send the messages to her DH, let’s see how he interprets them. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to know his wife thinks someone else’s husband is her soulmate.

NorthEndGal · 18/03/2019 13:14

He sounds like a turd.
He isn't even trying to make this better.
Put him out with the rest of the trash

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 18/03/2019 13:41

It isn't just between her and her DH, he has involved another person and the other betrayed spouse deserves to know.

By exposing them it gives them nowhere to hide. They either stop the nonsense and work on their marriages or split and move on. Either way that can't happen if the other betrayed spouse is still in the dark.

I didn't know for 8 years, the Other spouse knew and the three of them decided what was best for me!
Don't listen to the apologists who want you to pretend the OW is not your problem. She and your DH made it your problem.

Original poster
BlueRoses12 · 18/03/2019 13:48

I’m doing ok. Still nothing from H.

I wrote the message to her husband but I’ve not actually sent it yet as I’m dithering over what’s for the best.

I do not believe he will be back to face me anytime soon but I’m concerned when I’m out picking the kids up from school and club he will come home as he only has his car, phone and clothes he was wearing with him. That’s not a problem

But I’m worried if he’s in the house he could potentially lock us out by putting the chain on. Would it be a terrible idea for me to put the chain on myself and go out the back door? He hasn’t got a back door key as there is only 1 and it’s in the door?

OP posts:
JocelynBell1 · 18/03/2019 13:49

Please take sometime to yourself. Do not allow yourself to be pushed into any rash decision.

From what I understand, you and H have kids. Prioritise the welfare of you and the kids. Other people's marriages are not your concern.You have enough on your plate, do not add to your stress levels. If you throw a grenade, your kids may also get hurt in the fallout

Remember that the only person who gets to decide what happens is you. Do not hand control of the situation to your H but equally do not hand control to your friend.

JocelynBell1 · 18/03/2019 13:51

Don't send the message.

Yes, put a chain on the door and go out the back door.

Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 13:51

Informing OW’s DH need not create “drama” or stress for OP: one message / conversation would suffice. No need to engage with OW or her H beyond that.

Any “drama” arising from OP’s H’s reaction would be down to him, and if he kicks off about it would be further evidence of guilt IMO!

Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 13:52

You can’t legally lock him out and vice versa.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 18/03/2019 13:54

YES! Chain on and out the back door. Perfect idea.

Hanab · 18/03/2019 13:54

Get the locks change so that the ‘coward’ of a man will have to knock on the door to be let in first .. surely thats not illegal?

I would send the message ..
this about being the bigger person yadda yadda is BS! SO many people have vocalised that they would have wanted to know before hand. He is not even reaching out to explain apologise or even tell you half a truth. Just hiding out like a man on the run!

She is no better knowing full well he is a married man. Her OH deserves to know what she is upto. He can make his mind up to believe you or believe her🌷

purpleboy · 18/03/2019 13:55

Chain on and back door for me. Would he really lock you and the children out though? If so, you've got bigger problems than a cheating husband

Swipe left for the next trending thread