Need a handhold I’m in shock

[BlueRoses12]

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

Oh OP, I'm sorry but i agree with the other PPs. Calling you crazy is a classic - my STBXH did exactly the same all the time. Your H is not innocent.
You need some distance and some time to get your head round all of this. Don't be sucked in to any conversations with him till you're ready.

I agree with @sam221

You should send the screenshots to the bitches husband. She isn't innocent in this situation.

He had already mentioned a couple of days ago he may be meeting a few of the lads from work next weekend but would let me know nearer the time.

The foundations had clearly been laid. And he every so often goes out with a few from work I’ve been myself once or twice with them or if I don’t go I usually drop him down there and he makes his own way back so nothing unusual there.

Absolutely nothing was out of the ordinary if anything he’s been spending even more time with me and the kids.

I'm so sorry honey, but he's lying.

His reaction doesn't add up unless he's hiding something. He wouldn't be hiding something unless he was lying. What lie would he need to hide from you regarding contact with a female colleague?

That 1% is hope. Let it go. Book a solicitor tomorrow. Book several in fact. Go get advice from a range. Take recommendations from friends. Google your options - on a device he hasn't had access to.

Consider visiting the GP, they can give you sleeping pills to help you eat, sleep and rest whilst you deal with this most physically shocking part. And it is true physical shock to your entire physiological system. You'll struggle to eat, you won't sleep, when you sleep you'll have nightmares. You'll feel cold, confused, exhausted. GPs can help with this, so you have strength for what's next.

Then, eventually, the shock will pass, and you'll feel a little better every day, worse some days, but an upwards trajectory. Just focus on pursuing your rights, and what's best for you and your kids. This guy isn't on your team now, you need to head your own team.

Focus on the upward trajectory. Even when the days are a bit shit, they're still better than last month. Onwards and upwards.

I'm so sorry, OP.

how can u be crazy u got proof of her messages-hes trying to twist it on you

Handhold extended! Reading this is giving me a nervous twitch as reminding me of my utter shock when I picked up my ex DH's phone and discovered incriminating texts (we had the same phone and he had taken mine to work as I had removed his from the charger and he hadn't heard me shout that I was doing this)
Lock the door, he needs to get an inkling of what is at stake here.
Am so sorry this is happening to you. Cheeky bugger implying you are crazy though!! xx

@mcmooberry omg! I imagine your ExH arse collapsed when he realised the mistake!!
So sorry @BlueRoses12 I discovered an online "affair" my DP was having 18 months ago. I remember the intense pain it caused. My initial reaction was to throw him out but we have and continue to work through it. It's not easy and I still don't know if we'll make it in the long run.
Sending massive hugs your way xx💐

What a shock. You‘re doing really well. Glad your friend came over earlier.

I’ve been in a very similar situation and well remember the horrific, sick feeling of seeing those texts. Make sure you try to take care of yourself as best you can, sending hugs and to you.

Sorry OP he's clearly lying - the fact he wrestled his phone from you shows that (along with all else) - why would he need to do that if he had yet more to hide?

I think if the OW is married then there are usually fewer opportunities to meet and it becomes as much of an online thing as well as opportunities at work.

You are not crazy.

He's a liar.

Get your ducks in a row and kick him out.

Fucking bastard.

Another one who thinks that he is lying.

What do you want to happen now, OP? Do you want him home? How will you feel if he tries to come back jn an hour?

These men are all the same, can't even be unoriginal. It's always some tart from work, 'you're crazy', denial, a whole script they follow. Every.last.one.of.them. They all use The Script.

He's a lying, cheating slag. You are not crazy. He's a lying, cheating slapper.

He will deny and deny. He's already trying to turn it back on you - you would get jealous, you're crazy.

The one thing you need to realise is that this man is NOT your friend. He will never be amicable. You cannot trust him because he's a liar who's been caught and now he's scrambling trying to cover his arse.

I would have already sent those screenshots to the bitch's husband. He deserves to know he's living with a lying cheat who's screwing around behind his back with some twat from work.

He’s definitely guilty, there’s no innocent explanation. I’m so sorry

I would contact her husband and fill him in and sit back and watch her world implodebas much as yours is.

, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can

That's the classic message - I'm sure that every cheating husband has sent that message to the OW. Sorry but that says it all to me. And I know just how you are feeling - gutted . Sending a hand hold from someone who has been in this exact position .

100% agree you are not crazy. You saw it with your own eyes.

That last message 'will text when I can' as someone else said that's the standard it's not safe to speak generally as and when it's going to be when your asleep his on the loo etc so they don't get caught out. So sorry x

Did you get at least some evidence?
Did you get pictures of the conversation?

You are far from crazy!! But handle the situation carefully from now.

With her calling him her soulmate, and continuous texting this sounds like a full blown affair. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes when you speak to him.

So sorry to read this. It brings back a lot of bad memories to me. My XH did and said exactly the same things. I let him back and he made my life a misery for a year before I finally asked him to leave. And still he blamed me (and probably still does). Give yourself time to think this over. He has betrayed you, please don't let your self esteem plummet because you deserve more. Things will get better.

Do not let him back in the house or back in your headspace. Sleep on it then decide tomorrow what you want to do,

Im not expecting him back for at least tonight as he is generally a stubborn bugger.

I have absolutely no idea what I want, I can’t think straight as it just doesn’t seem real but I am absolutely kicking myself I didn’t throw him out, he’s gone on his own free will and it’s really getting to me.
He can come home at any time aswell as he has his keys and we changed the lock on our door to a turn lock inside.

It has crossed my mind to message her husband, is that wise?

Yes I got screen shots of some general chat and the soulmate, missing you, I find you attractive and plans to meet up for drinks. Actually all that was said from her side, quite long messages too and he was just dodging her messages completely and giving a few word reply’s apart from agreeing to meet her for drinks next weekend.

The message about on his way home was on his phone I only had a very brief look at it before he wrestled it off me.

Oh Op, I’m sorry. What a lying bastard. You’re not crazy, don’t let him manipulate you into doubting yourself.