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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold I’m in shock

301 replies

BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 18/03/2019 07:45

Only fair all parties are in the loop imo...

ilovepinkgin33 · 18/03/2019 07:50

You should definately message her husband
I'm sure yours will have told her what has happened so I would definately send the screenshots you have taken

Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 07:50

Sorry this has happened to you. Suggest seekin legal advice.

I would tell OW’s H because then he will have the information to take decisions about his relationship.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/03/2019 07:54
Flowers
jpclarke · 18/03/2019 07:57

This is an awful situation to be in but I am glad you will have a few hours now to yourself once the kids are in school. Try not to contact him you have done nothing wrong.

MachineBee · 18/03/2019 08:01

So sorry you’re going through this OP.

I’m another one voting for tell her DH.

I kept silent about all my ExHs affairs because I was ashamed and wanted to remain dignified. How badly had I been conditioned to be a ‘good girl’. With hindsight I would have told everybody as the burden of remaining quiet and dignified was too much.

Tell your family and friends. Get as much support as you can.

PerpendicularVincent · 18/03/2019 08:11

If he hasn't had an affair already he was planning on having one - good for you for refusing to accept this life for yourself Flowers

How dare he imply you're crazy? Dickhead

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/03/2019 08:14

I’d tell the husband too, and send him the screenshots.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 18/03/2019 08:14

When i was cheated on the OWs husband rang me and I really appreciated it because i had no idea Sad

My heart goes out to you OP - you have your beautiful children and I promise they will get you through this Thanks

SkippingPages · 18/03/2019 08:22

I like the idea of OW's H being in the loop and agree about shining a light into the shadows of their secrecy.

It gives all involved their clarity and autonomy back earlier rather than later, whereas secrecy robs the affected partners of these things and means you carry the deflected shame and your trauma in too much isolation as MachineBee described

Triglesoffy · 18/03/2019 08:23

So sorry OP Flowers

Mistlewoeandwhine · 18/03/2019 08:25

You deserve better than this xx

SkippingPages · 18/03/2019 08:29

Also, the 'soul mate' vibe thrives in fantasy and secrecy, so the sooner it comes into the open the better

PrayingandHoping · 18/03/2019 08:33

Assuming H will have told OW you know I imagining she's bricking it that you'll tell her H! He deserves to know.

RuggyPeg · 18/03/2019 08:44

What the fuck am I reading here???? Work whore, slag, slut, bitch, home wrecker? I know this isn't the focus of this whole sorry mess but fuck me, the vile sexist language coming from some women on here is sickening. It's happened to me before, so I know how it feels but the person to blame and focus on here is the husband. He's done this to you op and I'm so sorry. Sadly, once you know, there's no going back. No matter how much you wish it to be so.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/03/2019 08:48

My two pence. OP you said that the messages about soulmate and missing him dearly were from her and he wasn't engaging. Then hr agreed - ie not suggested- meeting for drinks. So it looks quite one sided to me.

Now i am not excusing secrecy and lies. But he had good reason to think that if you knew about some woman fancying him, you would very likely get angry and upset and blame him. So he didn't want to tell you for the sake of keeping piece.

He might have agreed to drinks because she can quite be a friend so he didn't want to be rude and brush her off when she is distressed of course he is also very much flattered by her feeings.

I would wrestle my phone out too even if I knew that I didn't do anything wrong, i just wouldn't want someone to look at and misinterpret any messages.

Of course your husband may well think and want to become a cheating rat. But from what you've written it doesn't follow. What i see is a woman who is after your husband and a man who doesn't have the gut to upset her further so agreed to meet. There is no knowing that he will go for an affair. It is just drinks at this point.

Yes, this is hurting you but by not telling you he is protecting you. You did say he was spending a lot of time with the family recently. He should have acted differently when you found out about the whole thing but he may well have wanted to get away from you in such a rage. People are weak and want to avoid confrontation.

I am not depending him if he is cheating. But from what you said the cheating does not necessarily follow. You need to calm down and you and your husband need to talk.

chickensub · 18/03/2019 08:54

I would wrestle my phone out too even if I knew that I didn't do anything wrong, i just wouldn't want someone to look at and misinterpret any messages.

There's nothing to misinterpret. The messages were very clear. His only response should have been 'I am married and this is inappropriate, I can't be friends under these circumstances'.

They like each other, have clearly gotten to know each other very well and beyond just friends, and were planning on meeting up and exploring it further.

He wrestled the phone because he doesn't want the op to see the extent of his bullshit and deceit.

Don't talk the op into being gaslighted by her lying shit of a husband.

SkippingPages · 18/03/2019 08:59

He didn't just agree to go out for drinks, he lied about it in advance.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/03/2019 09:02

chicken I think the OP is capable to make a judgement herself, all view points here are valid.

If this woman was indeed a friend he has a certain degree of loyalty towards her. Not the same as towards his wife, but still loaylty. And if she wants to talk then it is ok for him as a friend to listen to her and then do what he chooses to do.

And communication can easily upset - as it did - and be misconstrued as something mutual even if it is one sided.

ashtrayheart · 18/03/2019 09:02

The chances of this all being an innnocent mistake are minuscule to zero.
Hope you’re ok OP. These types of secret and exciting affairs or potential affairs do tend to wither when put in the spotlight, but he sounds like a sneaky fucker that you would be well rid of tbh!

chickensub · 18/03/2019 09:05

@MandalaYogaTapestry he has no loyalty to a woman outside his marriage who describes him as her 'soulmate' and says she's attracted to him. None.

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 18/03/2019 09:05

Message her husband - expose them both so there is nowhere to hide!
Been where you are and It is shit but you will be Fine.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/03/2019 09:06

skipping of course he lied - was he supposed to say that "my friend is apparently in love with me and wants to have drinks, ok if i go?" OP would rightfully go crazy - as any woman.

This is something to sort it out without involving anyone.

Lozzerbmc · 18/03/2019 09:08

This is awful for you op the shock is enormous as i know. I personally wouldnt contact the ow husband, though tempting - the ow and her marriage is their business. Whilst i dont condone her behaviour (she knows he is married), its your husband who has done the betraying and he should be the focus of it. Wishing you strength x

Upthepong · 18/03/2019 09:21

Any decent man would have told the wife, if it was innocent.