Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

I'm with you, it's a huge betrayal of trust and he'll be minimising like hell, "oh I didn't pay for it, everyone had one, they were calling me whipped, I felt awful..." you'll hear it all. I'd tell him you've texted the bride to be to thank her future husband for the upset and stress he's caused while you're heading into the hardest trimester of your pregnancy. (I know the only fault lies with your adult, idiotic, partner. But my evil side would want fallout from this.)

Do you believe that the lapdance is as far as it went and is this something you believe you can move on from?

Hope you're taking care of yourself, it's a huge shock and you need support.

So gross that he used another human being like that. Like an object. Not a real person.
Maybe the woman who danced for him was trafficked. He didn’t give a shit did he? Just like he doesn’t give a shit that he betrayed your trust.

And don’t let anyone tell you it ‘isn’t that bad’.

If he had gone to a club and a naked woman had ground around on him etc - fully consenting, no money changing hands - you would know it for what it is: cheating.

The fact that he paid and used another human being in this way makes it a thousand times worse. Sex as a commodity is a huge power imbalance - it’s a hateful industry where people get used and abused every day.

Omg I'd be so upset, you have every right to be angry and feel betrayed. Hope you're ok ❤️❤️ maybe you should ask him how he'd feel if it was a man naked all over you. Some men can be so selfish! And make out we as women should accept them going strip clubs and perving over naked women

I would be absolutely fuming about this too.

Horrible behaviour. And the snappiness as well? Just no.

I’m so angry!! And yes, I think it’s disgusting to treat women who work in these clubs as commodities - who knows what they have to go through just to makes ends meet

Not to mention the fact that he has two daughters DD & DSD who I looked after the whole time he was away) and one on the way! What an appalling and disrespectful way to view women!

I’ve made my mind up that I won’t be going to the wedding and I’ve told him that he can move in with his best friend and maybe they can fucking well reflect on their behaviour and betrayal. Good luck answering the difficult questions when your lovely bride to be (who also didn’t deserve any of this) asks why I’ve chucked my OH out.

@Kathulu I think this is as far as it went. I think it explains why he was so snappy and relinquished any information about the weekend away and tried to avoid any mention of it being boughtbup. He knew how I felt about it.

Having said that, they were in a different country and I can quite imagine that anything goes.

Well hard lesson to learn you total thundercunt but I will not put up with that SHIT and betrayal for any fucker! Whether you’re the father of my children or not!

I honestly think this is the end for us. I literally feel as though he’s cheated on me.

I know that stags go to strip clubs and while I think it is seedy, I don't let it get to me. But a private dance is not on. Absolutely EFFING not. And you 29 weeks pregnant. I would be so angry. You would like to think that is this dance was bought for him and forced on him that his heavily preg partner at home would be on his mind that he wouldn't have needed to releive himself afterwards

Horrible. I would feel exactly like you. And even if someone says you are overreacting, let them, your reaction is how YOU feel and not how someone else tells you that you should feel.

I totally know where you’re coming from, my husband was recently on a stag do and I know they went to several strips clubs...again I said no issue with him going but I draw the line at a private dance, especially if he is not the stag.
HOWEVER just to give an other perspective on things, there is a lot of peer pressure at these types of trips and blokes do all sorts of idiotic things they’d never do at home.
If you’d posted that your fiancé had said he was going to a mates but secretly went to a strip club in town, I think you’d be right to flip out BUT they do (wrongly) seem to think I different code applies.
I think you’re right to give him a hard time but also try to have some perspective and appreciate the context of a big group of men on a stag.
If anything that message would upset me more then the dance!!! Try to understand why he sent that?? Were the messages from the groom of a similar tone??
Also, being pregnant adds a layer of vulnerability - you may not feel so strongly, or so threatened if you weren’t, I know I feel like that at the moment!!
I feel like a whale (and I’m only 11weeks, 2nd baby) are sex life is the bare minimum as I’m anxious after miscarriage to have sex much (I know it makes no difference) so I just presume my husband’s eyes are wandering.
I really feel for you but trying to show another perspective!!

He knew how you felt about it and went ahead and did it anyway

I would be incandescent and I don't blame you for not going to the wedding. I'd be texting the bride to inform her regarding guest numbers and I would also be telling her why - not a popular move with everyone but hey ho

Hope you're ok

I would be so hurt and upset by this too. Especially when you're pregnant and probably feeling a bit crappy in yourself at times anyway and you'd told him your boundaries before he went. What an absolute cock!

I agree with not going to the wedding and if the bride asks why then I'd be honest with her, honestly some 'men' just have no willpower or ability to think!

Hope you are looking after yourself OP

Sorry OP I would 100% consider it cheating. If he met a woman in a bar and she stripped naked for his pleasure it would be cheating - the fact that it was paid for in an organised setting doesn't make it better, it makes it worse!

I'd be devastated but I'd have to leave OP over this, kids together or not. I'd never forgive it and it would completely change my view of him

HOWEVER just to give an other perspective on things, there is a lot of peer pressure at these types of trips and blokes do all sorts of idiotic things they’d never do at home.

I think that's bollocks if I'm honest. It's a myth, or it's only true of people who are too immature to be getting married anyway.

Thankfully most of the men I know (in their early 30s now) don't enjoy this type of thing and are the type to go for a drink instead and leave the ones wanting strippers to it. My DP is like that too.

My instinct is that I wouldn't be able to forgive this, especially given his attitude afterwards and that text. He did it knowing that it was beyond what you are comfortable with. I don't know how you'd build that back... but you are pregnant with him and planning to marry. Have you already asked him to leave? The headspace might do you and him some good.

Does he seem sorry?

"It tells me he has the desire to cheat"

First of all everybody, stop feeling sorry for the dancers. They have the control in that club, not the men and they're making good money. They are doing it because they chose to do that.

If anything the men are disrespecting the dancers more by not paying for private dances. The girls will dance on the stage and talk to punters and for this they don't get paid. If they do private dances, they get paid. It's more disrespectful to the girls to enjoy chatting them and perving over them on stage as a freebie. Isn't that using them more??

I'm an ex pole dancer and I went to a strip club for my hen do and had private dances. It does not mean that I want to cheat on my husband with the girl, in the slightest. The girls are performing and it's a show.

It sounds like he knew he'd messed up and didn't know how to deal with it when he got back. Your initial reaction is completely valid - tell him stay somewhere else, stay away from the wedding and take some time to get your head around it before making any permanent decisions. You need to talk to him about exactly what happened, why and how it has made you feel.

I'd be upset about the lying. That's a huge breach of trust, and I can understand you're doubting him now.

However, I don't understand why a lapdance causes such outrage when the many posts about non-supportive partners don't. I'd ten times rather have a partner who helps around the house and supports me and then goes and enjoys the occasional lapdance from a stranger, than a husband who cannot be bothered vacuum cleaning while you're as big as a house suffering from pelvic instability, and just whinges about the lack of sex while watching the telly.

Fuck peer pressure, these are grown men, not 15 year old boys. The fact that he has daughters makes it even worse.

I'm with you OP, I'd be severely fucked off if DP went into a strip club and he knows it. Being drunk with the lads is no excuse. I fucking hate the sex industry.

Does the bride know?

Agree with @coral13 mostly (although there are problems with the sex industry) it isn't always disempowering or degrading for the girls if they've made a CHOICE!

The problem is with the OPs partner and the fact he lied and went against her boundaries.

If it was Betty from the corner shop or Mary from work or a girl he met in the pub sitting naked on his lap shoving her breasts in his face and making him so turned on he had to wank himself off, no one would think you should continue with the relationship or marry him.

I know others are all fine with this but I don't see why paying a woman to do it, makes the act any different - seedier and with a whole other layer of exploitation maybe - but essentially the same act of infidelity.

Completely respect and am grateful to @coral13 for her perspective. I suppose it’s different strokes for different folks.

However, each couple will have different boundaries. A private lap dance may be acceptable to some couples and not at all to others. He KNEW that getting that dance was crossing a line where I was concerned.

He has hugely disrespected me and lost my trust all in one go and to be honest, I felt sick when I read that text but at the same time I’m glad I did read it!

He’s apologised but I think he’s been a bit shocked by my reaction. He’s tried turning it around on me saying I’m always too uncomfortable and tired to have sex with him now. Maybe because I’m growing your child and looking after your other children as well as working full time. Dickhead.

I felt as though he was trying to pin some of the blame on me. He goes through periods where he’s tired and doesn’t want to do anything - that’s fine, it doesn’t give me the urge to go out and find some stranger to gyrate all over me and fucking pay for it!

I’m still very angry. I haven’t told the bride yet but she’s sent me a message asking if all is ok. I don’t know what to say to her.

I would LTB for this, without a doubt. Yuk.

And I wouldn't go to his skanky friend's wedding either and I'd tell the bride why.

@TrySinging believe me, this is going to be the most likely outcome!!

I think you should tell her what's wrong. Its then down to her if she has a discussion with her fiance asking if he did similar and of he did it's down to her if she's on with that.

As you say, every couple has a different line and you made it clear this was not ok to you, he did it anyway.

Tbh, even if it had been Betty from the corner shop, I'd still much rather have that than a husband who won't clean up after himself even when I'm nauseous / tired / in pain. Getting sexual gratification from someone else just isn't the same level of relationship-fail to me as an unsupportive partnership.