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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

481 replies

currantbeings · 13/03/2019 11:12

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 18/03/2019 21:16

Aw glad you're home and being looked after. Great that SIL is being supportive!

beenwhereyouare · 18/03/2019 21:37

Great! I know you're happy to be with your little one. And I'm glad you're letting him do those things for you. You're so right to make him take responsibility. Don't let him upset you, either.
I hope the baby will wait awhile longer. Know that we're all wishing you well.

Mrsmummy90 · 18/03/2019 23:42

Glad to hear that you're home! Xx

beenwhereyouare · 24/03/2019 15:31

I hope you are doing okay. Please let us hear from you now and then. 🙏

WheelyCote · 24/03/2019 15:54

This would be a crosding the line thing for me...id be fuming. Completely understsnd were your comimg from

sweethoney111 · 24/03/2019 21:51

Hi OP,
Wanted to give the option from someone who worked as a waitress in a strip club (I wasn’t a stripper) in the UK.

Stag groups in strip clubs behave very differently to guys who just pop in, usually loud, table filled with beer, lots of drinking and mainly just having a laugh with each other and the typical ‘lad banter’. I’d seen many many guys in stag groups not wanting to get a dance and friends paying the girls to take them for dances they didn’t really want. Men are men at the end of the day NOT that it excuses anyone’s behaviour but men are visual creatures unlike us and do think very differently to us about women (hence why men like strip clubs as you would never catch me / most women paying a man to show me his hairy ass 😂)

Although it’s not a nice thing to see in a text (and the part about the toilet would infuriate me but he could also have just been saying this to his friend as I’ve never seen anyone that turned on by a lap dance) or think that he has had a lap dance I do think you shouldn’t end your relationship over this. If he a good man otherwise and you love him, set some clear boundaries for the future and let him regain your trust.

Yes he should have been honest with you 100% even though you would have been mad at least him being honest you would know you could still trust him BUT it was a stag do. He probably didn’t want to look stupid in front of his friends (seen it many times) and he probably didn’t want to tell you and cause an argument and upset you. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DP going to a strip club unless for a stag do (even then it would depend of his character as a man) and you would be surprised the amount of married men who pop in on their lunch breaks or evenings alone paying for dances and surprised at how many men turn down dances when there for a stag do/friends birthday etc. Maybe I see things differently because I have worked in such a place and see the other side of the coin but just thought I’d would share my perspective with you. Flowers

Bubblegumgal · 24/03/2019 23:34

@sweethoney111 if you rtft you’ll see this was a dealbreaker for the op as it would be for many of us. Justify it all you want but peer pressure does not equate to loss of free will & the exchange of money does not make it any less than cheating. In fact it’s worse than cheating, because it’s cheating in front of their friends and bragging about it to their friends. OH would be gone in a heartbeat if he did that to me.

currantbeings · 25/03/2019 11:25

Hi everyone,

I’m still hanging on in there. Still living with him, strange as I’m still so pissed at him but am on bed rest so can’t really get away!! But he’s actually been ok, making sure I’m fed and watered and that DD is fed, dressed etc.

For someone who is on bed rest and not doing a huge deal of anything I sure am tired!

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 12:27

He probably thinks you're not serious about ending the relationship and will 'come around'. Being nice/helpful would seem to him to expedite that.
But why wouldn't he be nice ok no matter what; you're heavily pregnant with his child, his actions may have contributed to a health crisis for you and the baby, he's badly hurt and upset you etc. He'd have to be an utter utter *@#£ not to be ok.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 12:29

Whatever happens anyway op, hope you can just take it easy and not stress yourself for yourself and baby's sake.

runninginheelsisnotfun · 25/03/2019 13:02

OP I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. I greatly admire your strength, it may sound strange but it's inspiring.

I could have written your story myself (minus DC) only it was my DH's stag do in Prague. It was only a few weeks before the wedding and I found out whilst he was there.

I had the same conversation, strip clubs, fine I don't like it but I get it. ABSOLUTELY NO private dances!

Low and behold, his best man and him organise a limo to pick them up from the airport with a naked women in the car to greet them and 'give them the ride of their life' to the hotel. Ok there was 8 guys in the car so doubt there was much 'riding' but FFS!!

They then chartered a private strip boat for the evening - what the fuck!!! That's not to mention all the clubs and dances and god only knows what else.

I was livid and if I didn't have over 100 people coming to the wedding a few weeks later I would have cancelled it. My mum was unbelievably ill on the lead up to the wedding and knew she didn't have long left so I went through with it for her sake.

That was 3.5 years ago. We have 2 DC now and honestly- I still question if I should have called it off, I'm still incredibly hurt by it.

I wish you every bit of luck and good health I can and with your strength everything will work out just fine, even if it doesn't feel like it right now Thanks

beenwhereyouare · 25/03/2019 15:16

Currant, so glad you're ok. And that he's taking care of you and your dd. He better be; he needs to do these things for you. That's what loving partners do. Apparently he's an idiot, but maybe not the entire asshole I thought. At least he recognizes the cost of his stupidity. I don't think I've heard you mention him blaming his actions on you. That's better than most of them do.
Continue resting if you can; this may be better for you in that you can release some of that anger in smaller doses. Less toxic for you and both your dc. You deserve Flowers.
God bless!

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 15:30

i don't think I've heard you mention him blaming his actions on you.

He did, he referred to their lack of sex life due to his pregnancy.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 15:31

her pregnancy Blush

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 15:39

That's what loving partners do. Apparently he's an idiot, but maybe not the entire asshole I thought

Well what's he supposed to do - they live together, they have a child together, she hosts his child from a previous relationship, they've been together a long time and are engaged and planning a wedding and on top of all that she's heavily pregnant with child and threatening for early delivery (after previous losses) - do you think he's going to say "ok, you're giving me shit about having a private lap dance, lying by omission and sleazily reminiscing with my friend; that's unacceptable, get out of our house, with our daughter and our unborn child" or "I'll allow you to stay here but do everything your self, I'm not bringing you anything" ... And his family and friends would find out.

I mean, the credit that men get for nothing or next to nothing is laughable.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 15:47

running - you didn't have to stay with him and have two kids after (in fact one would've thought your family and friends would have your best interest at heart and would appreciate why you didn't want to hitch your wagon with the man he'd shown himself to be on his stag do, he makes op's partner look good in comparison). Where you are is I fear where op will end up in a couple of years; but never mind, another man who knows he can treat his partner (and women in general) with utter disrespect and essentially cheat in her with a stag do as an excuse and suffer no real consequences.

beenwhereyouare · 25/03/2019 16:46

Moralitym1n1
Your opinion of me and others isn't the point of this thread. If you feel you must continue making it personal, please do it elsewhere and direct your comments on this post to @currantbeings.
Bless your heart and have a nice day.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 17:03

@beenwhereyouare

My opinions (or anyone elses for that matter) of your opinions are relevant to this thread. That is sop on munsnet; if you feel that what someone had said is faulty to ant degree, you can state that and explain why. That's in the spirit of Mumsnet and of free and open debate.

At the end of the day, the only reason anyone states that they disagree with someone's opinion is because they feel it's not doing justice to the op, and leading them somewhere ill advised or influencing them in a way that is not to their welfare eg being an apologist for bad behaviour of giving undue credit.

This dynamic happens in every thread, every day if the week on munsnet, we don't need you as self appointed moderator.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 17:08

You'll see many many other posters disagreeing quite stridently with other posters opinions (and quoting them to do so) previously in this thread (and as I said in every other thread) and moreover the op has previously stated she was ok with the debate happening on the thread.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 17:11

I responded to your opinion because I felt it gave ops partner undue credit in the circumstances.

I responded to running's post because it struck me as such a pertinent example of how accepting something up to you "temporarily" is very likely to lead to you accepting it permanently.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 17:11

*accepting something unacceptable to you temporarily ..

AnotherEmma · 25/03/2019 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

beenwhereyouare · 25/03/2019 17:19

Moralitym1n1
Your opinion of me or other posters isn't the point of this thread. Currantbeing's health and situation is. If you feel you absolutely must share those criticisms, please do that elsewhere.
As we say in the South,
Bless your heart and have a good day.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 17:20

@beenwhereyouare

(Forgot to say the main reason I first responded to your post is they you hadn't read op's posts and said wrongly that he'd not tried to blame her in any way).

Moralitym1n1 · 25/03/2019 17:27

@beenwhereyouare

Where would you like me to correct your misconceptions about op's experience or say that I feel you're giving undue credit to her partner in the circumstances? Somewhere that op cant read it? .. The whole point for me was to balance out your opinions.

You speak as though you're the only person who cares about op's health and that of her children; which if you read my posts and many others you'll see is not the case.

Also please stop with the creepy, patronising "bless your heart " stuff.