Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

And telling the bride isn't a very nice thing to do.

Can I just say I think it's really offensive that someone thinks I'm a handmaiden because I dont get like this when my husband goes on a stag do with a strip club?

Whatever you say, whatever age you are there is a peer pressure element. Also I know that even though my husband has had one, he genuinely can't be arsed with it and I trust him.

I think it all depends on your relationship, and I think the issue here is the lying.

We're just moving this over to relationships at the OP's request.

I would divorce my husband for this. He has absolutely no respect for women and no respect for himself. One life we get...I choose not to spend it with such a weak man.

I dont think you're overreacting.

The peer pressure thing is nonsense. You have serious problems as an adult if you go along with something you don't agree with because it might upset your mates if you don't.

@currantbeings, your boundaries are yours. Don't apologise for them. I would feel as you do, I would not be going to the wedding or any events with these men. I would also want at the minimum some time away from my DP for both him and me to think about what we want next. For me, I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who had no problems with this. I would also be so disappointed in him as a parent as well.

How in the fuck can people not consider this cheating? If you came home and found your OH on the sofa with a naked woman with her fanny in his face and him with a boner, would you be fine with that too? How is it different that this occurs in a strip club? The fact that he is paying a woman to do this only makes it worse! Would you LTB for paying for a prostitute? Again, how is this different to that? It's paying someone for sexual favours. Strip clubs seem to have been granted some kind of cheaters amnesty. I feel sorry for all the gullible women who's OH's have stitched them up good and proper.

He'd be well gone if he was my partner skanky git

I agree with McHelenz, there's definitely a peer pressure regardless of them being 18 or 58 years old!

If it was the other way round and you were on a hen do and there was say a stripper or naked butler, would your husband expect you to sit in the corner away from everything and not get involved? Would you expect him to divorce you because you were involved in some of the games?

I think a prostitute and stripper are very different, to start with you can't even touch a stripper. Its essentially real life porn. Would you have an issue if he got himself off on porn? That's still getting aroused by watching another woman (albeit for free).

Please stop feeling sorry for lapdancers. It isn't like prostitution where there's a lot of pimps/desperation etc.

I feel for you OP, you put your cards on the table as to what is acceptable and not and you're vulnerable and trusted him. I would say more about the lies than the actual lapdance, though. It seems he has been very scared of you finding out! On the plus (!) side he's a crap liar so I guess you'll know if anything was to happen in the future.

Trysinging I wouldnt say that's comparable. In that situation it is likely to lead to more, and the reason it was happening is probably for that. In a stripclub, it isn't, It's a lapdance-that's a product paid for in a context.

And telling the bride isn't a very nice thing to do

Yeah you're right we should collude with the guys in hiding men's inappropriate sexual behaviour - which amounts to cheating really. If it was with a ', civvie' it would be cheating but somehow it isn't if you walk into a club and hand over money. If 'their' women did the equivalent to them, do you think they'd be ok with it?

Op my relationship (no kids at the time) almost ended (in fact it did but got back together years later) over this issue - in his case to my knowledge a 'tabld dance' in the main club floor included with price of admission, not even a private dance. To me it is cheating,band he even knew it was where your line wax drawn.

The boosting about it and reminiscing to his mates too ... Seriously these are the sort of people I'd suspect may cheat when they gave the opportunity and see it as ok too.

The looking after his kids Inc step kid while he did it would make me rage to Krakatoa levels too.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

*get the opportunity

The bride will most likely go ahead anyway - most do. It won't be 'worth' cancelling the wedding and breaking up the relationship over - even if it is.

She may or may not regret that later.

OP please ignore the bullshit from a certain poster who is minimising and excusing your partner's behaviour.

Whatever people's opinions on strip clubs (I can't stand them but I realise some women don't have a problem with them) the fact is that he didn't just go to a strip club, he had a private dance when you'd made it clear you didn't want him to.

@hannah9176 I'd leave a hen party if that was the entertainment. Or not accept the invite to begin with. Nothing to do with what my DP would expect me to do, more about what I would consider ok.

Can I just say I think it's really offensive that someone thinks I'm a handmaiden because I dont get like this when my husband goes on a stag do with a strip club?

Did anyone say this to you personally? Why do you find it offensive?

Incidentally I found only if the very few male lap dancing clubs (Caesars in Streatham) in the UK at the time and had several private dances - just to help.him appreciate my view point before we finished.

If more women did that, we'd have less of this shit ( or maybe just even more lying about it).

swashbuckles why does it matter that it didn't lead to more? People here really do seem to have very low expectations of monogamous relationships. And let's not minimise - 'a product paid for'? It's not a bloody new microwave. It's an extremely intimate sexual act.

• one of the very few

HOWEVER just to give an other perspective on things, there is a lot of peer pressure at these types of trips and blokes do all sorts of idiotic things they’d never do at home.

Men are grown adults. They should be perfectly capable of saying no. They are beyond the immature teenage stage where friends and peer pressure is the bee all. Many grown men manage this perfectly well. Even more woman manage too. No excuses.

The fact that he got a hard on and had to have a wank would be the end for me. Plus the minimising/blame shifting too. All round disgusting behaviour imo.

He’s just told me he tried to touch her ‘down there’ but she wouldn’t let him.

If my mind wasnt made up before it is now. If she’d pulled his pants down and sat on his cock, he’d have let her.

Well thats even worse. So sorry OP

trysinging

I don't personally see a lapdance as cheating. It's absolutely fine that others do, it doesn't make either party wrong. My friend tried to kiss me while they were drunk once and I had to sort of squirm away-I told my then DP who said they wouldn't have been bothered it;'s just someone being drunk and silly, to me however, I would have felt like I was cheating. People think differently.

if my DP had a lapdance I wouldn't be bothered unless they developed feelings for the stripper, or we were skint and they were using 'our' money for such luxuries. However if I came home from work and my DP had some random woman there half naked grinding, I'd be thinking 'Wtf, why's this person in my house' and assuming they were gearing up for sex, which I do see as cheating.Contextually they are different.

I guess that covers the 'product' thing too. I don't see it as an intimate sexual act. Others do-that's life I guess.

OP I'd be fuming too. I think you're being incredibly brave to throw him out for now - but rightly so. If you let it go, god knows what else he'd think he can get away with. What a cheeky b***d - whilst you're at home looking after your girls AND pregnant. Unbelievable behaviour.