Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

Just to add from what I've heard about Eastern European 'strip clubs', if my partner suggested joining a stag do there, I'd explain that given their nature, BD the pressure to go in he should probably make his excuses and avoid that do ,(unless he felt he could go elsewhere, which is usually not feasible without being labelled a kill joy, under the thumb, puritan, treasonous etc - people need everyone to validate their behaviour, you see, some guys not doing it would suggest it not ok). If he didn't see where I wax coming from I'd seriously rethink the relationship and let him know that.

Eastern European stag dos should ring alarm bells (canaries aren't much better at times). Uk clubs can vary of course.

The only thing with louder alar bells would be Thailand.

Organising stag dos to EE says a lot about the people involved, before they even go.

currantbeings to me that's absolutely horrendous. And, much as I am all for the truth usually, really in this case why tell you that-just to hurt you more? ! He's not feeling very apologetic is he?!
Plus he tried to sexually assault someone. Whatever their job, touching someone between their legs without consent is not an act of someone I would want near me..

@drogosnextwife no it hasn't been said to me personally, but its obviously including me as someone who doesn't feel the strip club thing is a terrible thing. It then implies that im under the control of my husband because I trust him on a lads night. We're not all submissive because we dont see this as cheating.

However, OP has added extra bits that this isn't just on its on in the relationship and theres other stuff going on. Also he lied, thats the problem here. And now reading the update its much much more than a strip.

It is a deal breaker for me too. TBH I'd be more than angry with just a visit to a strip club. This is no secret. DH knows this is a line and a serious one for me. Fortunately he chooses not to anyway, he has more respect for women in general to treat them as sexual objects to be paid for. He also respects my feelings, and those of our teenage daughter.

OP. don't be afraid to do what you feel is best for you and your feelings. Your DP knew ow you felt bout this and he made a conscious home to disregard your feelings, thereby showing you no respect. He knew you wouldn't be happy. He knew you had said it was a line for you. Yet he still went ahead. Now, you may be able to forgive - but do you want to? You are perfectly in your rights to make that choice,

@swashbuckles your friend trying to force a kiss on you isn't at all the same as what the DH has done here, not even slightly.

Amazes me, the rationales that people come up with for why this is totally ok with them.

Yeh it speaks volumes. Makes you wonder what else he's been up to 🤔LTB, no coming back from that confession im afraid.

@swashbuckles I appreciate your perspective and I’m certainly not here to chastise other people for their opinions, just because they’re different to mine.

I absolutely get that some people are fine with this and some people aren’t.

Also, because I dont care about my husband going to a strip club im now gullible? No, I just have trust in my relationship.

@currantbeings I'd say the update of him trying to make it to be a physical sexual act and actually cheating changes things. He's been completely out of order.

First of all everybody, stop feeling sorry for the dancers. They have the control in that club, not the men and they're making good money. They are doing it because they chose to do that.

Fuck off with this nonsense. I’ve worked with victims of trafficking who have been trafficked to clubs like this in Prague and throughout Eastern Europe - and to the U.K. too. You have no idea if this woman was there willingly.

OP, he’s disgusting. I wonder if those defending it really understand what happens in a naked lap dance in an Eastern European club - I suspect not, or I’m pretty sure wouldn’t be okay with it. The idea that it’s not okay if it’s a “real person” you met, but fine if you’re paying a woman (aka “not a real person”, I guess) is beyond sickening.

swashbuckles I agree that there is no real right or wrong, because relationships are built upon design. I know from personal experience that it's very difficult to view situations like this in just black and white, especially when there are children involved - you really have to acknowledge the grey. I just cannot relate to how some people seem to separate this from cheating though. It's more than just cheating too. It's the general lack of respect for both the partners and the women whom they are 'paying for'. Intimacy is the currency of my relationship and if I felt that held no significant value, I don't think I'd feel like I had anything at all.

Just read your latest update OP

What a bastard

So sorry

Also, because I dont care about my husband going to a strip club im now gullible? No, I just have trust in my relationship.

Yes, you can trust that wherever and whenever your OH fancies getting his rocks off over another woman grinding around naked on top of him, he will cause you said it's ok!

I really respect your strength. Your boundaries are your own, the opinion of others doesn't come into it.
My ex-H overstepped mine and I forgave him, yet here we are, almost divorced!
It's been a hard lesson for me to learn and I only wish I had your strength initially.

Good luck x

Sounds like he's a proponent of the 'i could've done much worse, you should be grateful school' as well.

He really doesn't know when to stfu does he. Not that it would make it much better. At least you're getting a grip on what you're dealing with in him.

This man doesn't respect you or women in general. To him women exist as free childcare providers, wash his pants and to service his sexual wants. Him trying to turn this on you like its your fault (wtf) is the level of how entitled he feels to your body. Personally that would kill any feelings I had for any man.

For what it's worth, especially on stag dos with big groups of men, strip clubs are often the only place they can all get in, loads of clubs & bars won't allow entry to big groups of men. I've been in these clubs myself and don't be fooled in to thinking it's close to cheating, there's strict regulations on touching girls etc, they're just girls out there trying to make a living

Not in Eastern Europe I bet, don't be so naive.

I know a girl whose male friend told her what goes on in Eastern European bstrop clubs and I've had a young make colleague describe the same for ones in the Canary Island.

Not all clubs are the same, even within the UK.

assasinated I didn't mean that it was the same or even similar, just that when it comes to cheating people do have different ideas. I was replying to one poster in particular, sorry if was unclear.

OP, that's kind of what I mean. You made your point of view clear. Hell some people are okay with sex with others (swinging etc) and if they're happy and safe what business is it of anyones. You weren't okay with this and he still did it, and lied about it. Also your update about him trying to touch her, knowing he shouldn't, ugh.

empty, I won't say I find it insulting because there would be something wrong with me if a strangers comments insulted me, but when people say things like this, I feel the need to defend myself and my friends and make it known that the majority of dancers are no different and no more exposed to any slavery etc than the next person. I've been stripping for 17 years,full time for most of it. I have worked intimately with many dancers, have a lot of friends in the industry and many more acquaintances, and my other job/studies alongside does make me concerned about some of them, but I've never seen evidence of any trafficking. when I have studied prostitution etc, a lot of them are also strippers. That's not quite the same however. I am glad this woman had it about her to 'not let him' touch her. That makes me angry for both her and the OP. Disgusting.

Well done you're sticking to your guns. The way he's acting, I wouldn't be surprised if even more came out.

First of all everybody, stop feeling sorry for the dancers. They have the control in that club, not the men and they're making good money. They are doing it because they chose to do that.

Fuck off with this nonsense. I’ve worked with victims of trafficking who have been trafficked to clubs like this in Prague and throughout Eastern Europe - and to the U.K. too. You have no idea if this woman was there willingly.

Thank god someone said it. I'm fed up with this crap being spouted on threads about strip clubs, especially strip clubs in eaurope and other countries. Trafficking is rife, and you have no idea which club it is or what's going on behind the scenes.

@trysinging and because of that its only happened twice in our 9 year relationship. Surely if I was giving him all of these free passes he'd be out all the time.

Dont make me out to be this enabler of him cheating or someone he walks all over. We communicate, I dont need to keep him on a tight lead. I also know that from communicating, that he fucking hates these clubs, and usually will wander off to an old man pub for a pint. But sometimes, that isn't doable.

Some of the replies to people who dont see this terrible are shit. Not all men are fucking pigs.

Also another one saying this would be a deal breaker for me. I really don’t get this thing where it is seen as the norm that ‘everyone’ goes to strip clubs for their stag do’s. They really, really don’t. I’ve got male friends and relatives who have done other stuff and no strippers (and that’s the truth not naivety). I would rather stay single forever than be with someone who thought this was ok to do when they were in a relationship as it would mean we were utterly incompatible. Horses for courses though. I sort of get being dragged along into one of these places as part of a night out but not a private dance like this. No way.

don't be fooled into thinking it's cheating

Mate, if my man has sexual interaction with another woman, which is what it is whether she grinds on his penis through his trousers or not; it's cheating.

If I went and did the equivalent with another man even in a dedicated club and I handed over money; do you think my partner would be ok with it.

*But sometimes, that isn't doable
*
Yes it is doable, every single time. It's all down to personal choice.

I feel for you OP. My DH did this at one stage. It hit me out of the blue how hurt I was, I’d always just shrugged and didn’t care if anyone mentioned lap dances. Mainly because I’d never thought he do it. We came close to splitting up. The main difference was he realized how I felt after he fessed up. Apologized and when asked to go to his best mates stag some time later he didn’t. And he was his best man.