Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

@WiseBlankie if my OH hoovered the ceiling, I’d still feel as betrayed and angry as I do right now.

How much housework he does isn’t going to make me feel differently about near as dammit cheating!

Tbh, even if it had been Betty from the corner shop, I'd still much rather have that than a husband who won't clean up after himself even when I'm nauseous / tired / in pain. Getting sexual gratification from someone else just isn't the same level of relationship-fail to me as an unsupportive partnership.

well if marriage were an either/or, I might agree with you. But it isn't. It is possible to have a husband who pulls his weight and who doesn't have lap dances.

@pallisers, exactly. I’d rather be single than have an ultimatum like that.

I love the peer pressure argument that always comes up. That only washes with someone who is 14.
Sorry this has happened to you op. Your call, your boundaries.

Ok so I appreciate there are a lot of different views on lap dances but I think people jumping to say "leave him" is a huuuge overreaction. It's incredibly shitty of him to do this when he knew how you felt on the matter, so I can see why you're annoyed and he obviously hasn't handled it well so fair play being annoyed with that.

I'm of the opinion that a stag do will without a doubt come with a visit to a strip club and given the occasion I don't see a problem. If he couldn't finish a night out without a lap dance then we would have a problem but as a one off I don't see it as a big deal.

For what it's worth, especially on stag dos with big groups of men, strip clubs are often the only place they can all get in, loads of clubs & bars won't allow entry to big groups of men. I've been in these clubs myself and don't be fooled in to thinking it's close to cheating, there's strict regulations on touching girls etc, they're just girls out there trying to make a living. It's also very much a boys will be boys and getting caught up in the moment etc, yes they're grown men and can say no but men & women behave differently in these situations and I know my husband has been on stag dos where some of the "lads lads" will pay for the "quite/whipped" one in the group to get a dance.

As I said, his reaction is shitty, maybe you would have felt better if he'd be honest about it upfront? I think his actions may not be ideal for you personally, but it would be foolish to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship for this.

I think you need to be careful before causing trouble (whether you mean to or not) for the bride to be.

You can be angry at your fiance for lying to you but don't bring her into it. You only (or are supposed to) get one hen or stag do before your wedding and they're supposed to be memorable nights - please don't ruin it for her. (or him, he's equally entitled to the stag he wants but I get that you don't like him). Just don't spoil the moment for them, because your fiance lied.

Oh yeah on the topic of the wedding I think you're majorly overreacting. If you messaged told me & told you weren't coming to my wedding because your husband had a lap dance on my husbands stag do I would be pleased not to have you there as you'd come across as crazy!

@coral13, no, I don’t want to tell her what’s gone on. I’ve replied and told her that we’ve had a disagreement. As you say, it’s my fiancé that’s in the bad books, she doesn’t need to suffer too.

However, she may see/deal with this sort of thing differently but I’m putting my foot down. Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve realised I can’t trust him 100%

I don't think OP is overreacting at all

He had a private dance - some random woman's naked vagina in his face and on his crotch
He was so hard from it he had to go and have a wank

I'd be waving him goodbye too tbh

@hannah9176 me not going to the wedding is for other people’s benefit more than mine.

I wouldn’t enjoy it, I’d be miserable, it would be awkward as hell because the groom now knows that I’m pissed off with him and my OH. I feel humiliated, bloated, swollen and ugly to boot. Add to this the fact that I’m deeply hurt I just don’t really want to show my face. Especially if OH is seen as the ‘whipped one’ as you so eloquently put it.

Not that he is ‘whipped,’ he evidently does as he pleases regardless of what I think. I’ve never stopped him doing anything. I was quite looking forward to a weekend of uninterrupted sleep in between his farting, snoring and rubbing his dick in my back. I just didn’t expect that he’d abuse my trust the way he has done.

Oh ok I read it as the friend was saying he had to go for a wank after. That's vile to be fair and I wouldn't be impressed with that. I still don't think it's a relationship ender though I think you maybe need a few days to take a step back & reflect on things. If he is defensive then maybe there are some issues but if he's genuinely regretful I think it's fair to think maybe it was just a bit of poor judgment on his part.

"Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve realised I can’t trust him 100%"

That says it all. LTB. And ignore the handmaidens on here.

(The best place for this thread is Relationships - you can ask MNHQ to move it if you want.)

@hannah9176, he seems regretful but then goesall defensive. It’s not like I pushed him for info when he came home. I only found out last night by accident and the stag do was over a month ago.

The way he was behaving when he came home set alarm bells ringing but I ignored it thinking I’d probably rather not know.

I love him but I also have to respect myself, even if he doesn’t.

What a horrible, sleazy man. I’d be gutted too, OP.

@currantbeings

There's a lot of apologists on this thread, coloured by their own experiences of sex work and low expectations of men.

I respect you so much for sticking to your guns on this. She was completely naked and he was clearly aroused. With a pregnant partner at home? No freaking way..

Any other context it would not be acceptable. (Although apparently it is if your husband is supportive and does the hoovering ?! )

You were clear, he crossed the line.

I agree that you shouldn't tell the bride. However, if I was the bride and you told me this I would definitely understand you. You are not crazy!

@AnotherEmma thank you, I’ll ask MNHQ to do that for me.

To be fair, it was something very minor. He was texting my friend in regards to her organising something for my birthday. He started ‘low key’ flirting with her. She stopped him dead, didn't reply and told me. She thought she was overreacting but it was on her conscience. Again it’s minor but I always think that it starts with minor things.

I’d absolutely tell the bride what happened. Not to “get her fiancé in trouble” - just be honest and factual. Why should you lie??

OP, don't let anyone tell you that you're overreacting. You alone set your boundaries, no-one else. You were very clear with your partner what your boundaries were and he ignored them - the blame for the situation and the consequences is his alone. Good for you for standing up for yourself!xx

I completely agree with you op. I hate the whole stag night thing. It’s become socially acceptable for married men to actively seek out sexual gratification and pay for it is. For me it’s 10x worse than in the moment cheating. I’d kick him out under those circumstances and tell the bride.

I think it's a tricky one. I'm trying to see it from your side as this wouldn't be an issue for me so I'm sorry if I'm coming across as rude.

You've said alarm bells were ringing when he came home so he obviously knew what he had done was wrong. If he knows it's such a deal breaker for you maybe you need to get to the bottom of why he was so keen to go for a dance knowing fine well what the repercussions would be. Is it something you could compromise on? Ie if he's on a stag and everyone is having a dance then as long as he talks to you about it it would that cover the trust issues? Or is it a hard no from you and if he isn't willing to accept that then would you be willing to end a relationship over it?

All the people saying it's not that bad and the OP is over reacting, honestly you would actually be OK with your partner do this:

He had a private dance - some random woman's naked vagina in his face and on his crotch
He was so hard from it he had to go and have a wank

Because ^that sums up up very well.

Good god the low standards on here is embarrassing. Why on earth is this OK when money is being exchanged? Why does that make it any less of a shitty, disrespectful, sleezy thing to do?

As a pp said the "peer pressure" shite honestly shouldn't wash with anyone over the age of 15.

I would leave my dp in a heart beat if he did this.

Yes the woman are doing their job and putting on a show, that IS NOT what men are in there for, they are in there to get their jollies from naked women dancing around a stage, or in this case fringing up against their cock.

Grinding, not fringing!

Oh and for what it's worth op, if I was the bride I would want you to tell me what had happened and give her the chance to get rid of her sleezy future husband if she wants to, not let her get married and find out after she is legally tied to this arsehole.

If he is defensive then maybe there are some issues but if he's genuinely regretful I think it's fair to think maybe it was just a bit of poor judgment on his part.

Ahh so as long as they feel a bit bad about doing it, then all should be forgiven? Bloody hell! like I said, low standards on here.

Honestly this wouldn't bother me as it's not the same as cheating. The text would piss me off but not the actual lap dance.